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After hours of shopping, I was trying on slacks in a brightly lit dressing room. Finally, I found a pair that fit perfectly.  Tight enough in the right places and loose in others.

When I stepped out of the dressing room to show my friend, she said, “You have the ass that could rule the world.”

Maybe I could rule the world. I seriously considered her statement before realizing there are already enough asses ruling out there now.

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cutting apple

I wish I was a food designer. I’m sure they’re out there. People paid to come up with flavors of things like chips, jelly beans and protein bars.

I think a girl named Twig makes all the protein bar flavors. They all come in some kind of animal feed flavor – oats, wheat, or rice (crispy’s) and sugar.

Sure these things are good for a day or two and then they begin to wear on me. Fruit and grain, fruit and grain, day after day. Sure they throw in a few nuts every now and then, but it’s the same basic taste.

With my flavors I could open a “Protein Bar” Bar. So this is me ordering in my Protein Bar Bar.

“I’ll have the Chicken Fried Steak and Gravy Protein Bar, a side of Shrimp Fried Rice Protein Bar and a Margarita Protein Bar. Oh what the heck give me two Margarita Protein Bars. I’m not driving tonight.”

The waiter would chuckle and say, “Excellent choice, Madam.”

My sister would say, “Do you have the Lobster Dipped in Butter Protein Bar on the kids’ menu? I’m not very hungry. Can I substitute a Martini Protein Bar for the drink?”

I would roll my eyes behind her back and the waiter would chuckle again.

When he left I would say, “You know they have a special key on that computer that says “Spit in the Food” protein bar and he just used it on your order.”

She’d squawk, “No they don’t,” but she would closely inspect her food.

She thinks I don’t notice, but I do.

After she devours her little, tiny meal, she’d want a bite of mine which in reality would be half my food.

When I’m sick, I would have a Chicken Pot Pie Protein Bar and think about my Grandma.

And sometimes late at night when no one’s looking, I would have 4 or 5 Chocolate, Chocolate Truffle Ice Cream Protein Bars and maybe 2 or 3 Turtle Cheese Cake Protein Bars. The next day I would pretend I didn’t know who ate them.

Yeah, my protein bars would be like meals at the Jetson’s.

(This story does not in anyway reflect the things I might or might not do in reality. As for my sister who thinks your friends might see this and think it’s about you, you might want to consider why.)

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My apologies to anyone who was offended by this post. That was not my intention. I have weighed less than 95 pounds for most of my life. I grew up in extreme poverty. We didn’t have food everyday, so I was malnurished until adulthood. We lived in miserable circumstances without food, heat, hot water, and proper clothing. We survived by finding humor in everything, even the holes in our shoes. Nothing was so sacred that we couldn’t laugh about it. My intention wasn’t to upset and devalue anyone, rather to find humor in all circumstances.

Thank you for letting me know your feelings on this topic and so to keep from upsetting anyone else, I have chosen to remove this post in its entirety. Please forgive my irreverence.

Best Regards,

Dee

puzzle city woman

 

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ny foodcart

Bucket List #483 Eat off of Food Cart

I never really thought I would mark number 483 off of my bucket list, but I did and lived to tell the tale. I’ve wanted to try a food cart munchies for a long time. They don’t have this type of thing in my neck of the woods. I saw a cart yesterday morning and decided to live dangerously. It was just breakfast but still baby steps. Who knows what daring thing I might try next.

I haven’t mentioned the plane ride. It was a proper size plane, three seats on each side. I of course was stuck in the middle. It was a newer plane with drop down TVs and an in-flight movie.

I noticed a safety hazard that should be reported to the FAA. We were packed so tight you couldn’t fart. I’m serious this is both a personal health hazard and a safety concern. Imagine … The flight has ended. Everyone jumps up simultaneously and boom fart gas erupts under high pressure. Then the windows blow out.

 

I’m telling you, it could happen. 

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