If I Were a Food Designer

August 4, 2016 by Deidra Alexander

I wish I was a food designer. I’m sure they’re out there. People paid to come up with flavors of things like chips, jelly beans and protein bars.

I think a girl named Twig makes all the protein bar flavors. They all come in some kind of animal feed flavor – oats, wheat, or rice (crispy’s) and sugar.

Sure these things are good for a day or two and then they begin to wear on me. Fruit and grain, fruit and grain, day after day. Sure they throw in a few nuts every now and then, but it’s the same basic taste.

With my flavors I could open a “Protein Bar” Bar. So this is me ordering in my Protein Bar Bar.

“I’ll have the Chicken Fried Steak and Gravy Protein Bar, a side of Shrimp Fried Rice Protein Bar and a Margarita Protein Bar. Oh what the heck give me two Margarita Protein Bars. I’m not driving tonight.”

The waiter would chuckle and say, “Excellent choice, Madam.”

My sister would say, “Do you have the Lobster Dipped in Butter Protein Bar on the kids’ menu? I’m not very hungry. Can I substitute a Martini Protein Bar for the drink?”

I would roll my eyes behind her back and the waiter would chuckle again.

When he left I would say, “You know they have a special key on that computer that says “Spit in the Food” protein bar and he just used it on your order.”

She’d squawk, “No they don’t,” but she would closely inspect her food.

She thinks I don’t notice, but I do.

After she devours her little, tiny meal, she’d want a bite of mine which in reality would be half my food.

When I’m sick, I would have a Chicken Pot Pie Protein Bar and think about my Grandma.

And sometimes late at night when no one’s looking, I would have 4 or 5 Chocolate, Chocolate Truffle Ice Cream Protein Bars and maybe 2 or 3 Turtle Cheese Cake Protein Bars. The next day I would pretend I didn’t know who ate them.

Yeah, my protein bars would be like meals at the Jetson’s.

(This story does not in anyway reflect the things I might or might not do in reality. As for my sister who thinks your friends might see this and think it’s about you, you might want to consider why.)

Posted in art, books, chocolate, comedian, comic, entertainment, fantasy, Fantasy/Scifi, Fiction, food, humor, life, literature, Personal, photography, sarcasm, short story, sister, Uncategorized, writer, Writing | Tagged food | 17 Comments

17 Responses

on August 9, 2015 at 3:15 am | Reply Irishkiwi

Hahaha this is hilarious!!

LikeLiked by 1 person
on August 9, 2015 at 11:42 am | Reply John W. Howell

So funny. I hope some of the culinary schools are paying attention. They have the portion size down pat now they can put the whole gourmet thing in a bar.

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on August 9, 2015 at 1:20 pm | Reply Shandra

Absolutely LOVE the *disclaimer* at the end. Wonder why? 🙂

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on August 10, 2015 at 11:45 am | Reply Anne Bonney

I will definitely be a customer at your protein bar bar – lobster dipped in butter and a margarita protein bar. Oh, yes.

LikeLiked by 2 people
on August 11, 2015 at 7:11 pm | Reply philosophermouseofthehedge

I think the space station occupants want your number to give to NASA.

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on August 13, 2015 at 9:58 pm | Reply N. E. White

I went to school with a food chemist. That’s what she does for a living: come up with new cereals. I should give her your number.

LikeLiked by 1 person
on August 14, 2015 at 12:56 pm | Reply dellanioakes

I like your ideas for protein bars.
As to people being paid for coming up with interesting combinations, a friend of ours has a Sno Cone business. He has a Flavorologist (I think I have that right) who comes up with the flavors. I felt like Charlie at the chocolate factory when we had a tasting a few months ago. You know that scene, “The snozberries taste like snozberries!”? We had wedding cake sno cones that tasted like wedding cake – even the creamy, buttery flavor & texture of the icing. The watermelon tasted like watermelon! My favorite was the Barbie, a mixture of wedding cake and cotton candy. These are not the sno cones I remember from my youth!

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on August 20, 2015 at 1:28 am | Reply K. Shawn Edgar

Bar food is good 😀

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- on October 9, 2015 at 9:03 am | Reply Deidra Alexander
  
  I thought my protein bar selection was awesome.
  
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  - on October 23, 2015 at 10:46 pm K. Shawn Edgar
    
    Absolutely it was
    
    LikeLiked by 1 person
on August 20, 2015 at 8:55 pm | Reply alexanderfilmworks

One of my favorite flavors would be an “S.O.S. Protein Bar”; the old favorite creamed chipped beef on toast, a/k/a s**t on a shingle.
Can’t help it… I grew up with that.

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- on October 9, 2015 at 9:07 am | Reply Deidra Alexander
  
  Aww yes, as did I. It was the only dish my Dad could make.
  
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on August 4, 2016 at 9:37 am | Reply If I Were a Food Designer — Deidra Alexander’s Blog – falkeadpackprointernational

[…] via If I Were a Food Designer — Deidra Alexander’s Blog […]

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on August 4, 2016 at 10:01 am | Reply my valiant soul

Such a unique yet adorable thought.

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on August 4, 2016 at 1:29 pm | Reply kernerangelina

hilarious as always

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on August 6, 2016 at 2:54 pm | Reply charcamolson

I know a place that sells Beef, or is it Bison, bars. I think it’s bison bars, made with real bison. Also, turkey bars made with turkey and cranberry. I wasn’t very impressed, though.

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on August 8, 2016 at 5:59 am | Reply Tyson Adams

I’m not sure protein bar flavour developer is a real job since they all taste like ground up cardboard mixed with chalk.

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