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Posts Tagged ‘comic’


sleeping princess woman

I’m lying on the exam table in my doctor’s office the Wednesday before my wedding. The room seems bleary through my watery eyes. It probably smells like antiseptic, but how would I know my nose has been stuffed up for four days now.

No amount of NyQuil has helped me. I have a raging head cold. With only three days to go before my wedding, I’m seeking professional help.

The door pops open. My doctor is reading my chart when she looks at me, doing a double take.

“Oh, you very ugly for your wedding,” she says. “You’re nose all red. Watch you going to do?”

I blink not once, not twice, but three times. “I don’t know, go to my doctor.”

Ugly indeed.

 

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people windy picnic

Every morning my obnoxious alarm goes off. Blinded by daylight, I slap it a couple of times and stumble to the kitchen. I stand in front of the open refrigerator door, drink milk straight from the carton, and grab a hard boiled egg.

I love cold hard boiled eggs so I make them on Sunday afternoon and put them in a container ready for the week. It adds to my mindless routine. I love mindless in the morning.

But one day it was different. Saturday morning, my siblings decided to get together. Early. Really early. They know I don’t do early, especially not on Saturday. Early Saturday in Deidra time means I’ll be 2 hours late. Whatever time you set.

To help me with this, they decided to meet at my house and for my convenience, they let themselves in. They’re really thoughtful that way.

An issue arose during the early morning gathering which has forced me to issue the following warning.

To the person who replaced my boiled egg with a frozen egg,

I’m narrowing the suspect pool. The noose is tightening. Feel my breath on the back of your neck as I close in. In the words of the immortal wicked witch of Oz.

“I will get you and your little dog too.”

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After hours of shopping, I was trying on slacks in a brightly lit dressing room. Finally, I found a pair that fit perfectly.  Tight enough in the right places and loose in others.

When I stepped out of the dressing room to show my friend, she said, “You have the ass that could rule the world.”

Maybe I could rule the world. I seriously considered her statement before realizing there are already enough asses ruling out there now.

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109

Jim was a nuclear physicist, a brilliant man. Much to his own detriment, he didn’t know when to stop thinking.

He had been through a series of interviews. The job was basically his. All he had to do was pass a drug screening. I don’t know if they said drug test or not. I’m assuming not, they must have been vague.

The company had an on-site clinic where the test was performed.

So, Jim comes toddling in. The tech hands him a cup and tells him to return the sample to her desk.

Does Jim think “They want to see if I use drugs.”?

No.

He thinks “It’s a nuclear facility. They want to take a baseline reading now so they can measure the affects of potential radiation exposure over time.”

So instead of urine, he gives them a sperm sample. He is still trying to figure out why he didn’t get the job.

Can you imagine the technician’s reaction when a cup of sperm lands on her desk?

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03 (3)

Cloud Catcher

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57 (2)

What’s your caption?

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We’ll see what weirdness I can pull out today. Closing my eyes, pulling a volume, and opening to random page.

Drum roll please …

French Toasties

I’m pretty sure this is not French nor do the French want to claim it.

Make 4 sandwiches of 4 frankfurters. (Hate to pop bubbles so early. but frankfurter ain’t French.)

You split the hot dogs length wise and width wise and add mustard. (So far so good.)

But Auntie couldn’t stop there. Oh no.

Mix an egg, milk, sugar, and salt. Dip sandwiches in mixture. Top with grated cheese and paprika and bake. 

Okay maybe this one isn’t too bad. This great aunt was on a hot dog craze. Must have been a fad. On the same page is GLAMOUR DOGS which in addition to hot dogs, include corn chips, cheese, onion, Worcestershire, and tomato sauce. YUCK!!

This is officially the end of this post. I had a request for a couple of recipes I mentioned in a previous post. Those are listed below. They are part of my Auntie’s “Ladies Fare or Ladies Lunches”.

Frosted Party Sandwiches

Mix 6 oz. cream cheese with 2 Tsp. milk. 

Cut 2 – 1/2 inch rounds from 12 slices of white bread.

On 1/3 of the rounds spread butter and salmon salad. These are the bottoms.

On 1/3 of the rounds spread egg salad. These are the middles.

Stack with a plain round on top of the other 2.

Frost the sides and tops of the sandwiches with the cheese mixture. 

Decorate with shrimp, capers, olives, mint, parsley, etc. NOTE: Make several hours ahead.

As I remember she was quite creative with the decoration. She made a clock face from capers & slivers of olives, a champagne glass with bubbles, a martini glass, flowers, animals, and fruit.

Melon American

Thaw 2 packages of frozen raspberries and stir. Place in a cup on a platter.

Whip 12 oz of cream cheese and 1/4 cup of milk until fluffy. Heap beside raspberry sauce.

Cut 2 honeydew melons into 1/2 inch slices, arrange on platter and refrigerate.

When served, guests put a little melon, little cheese, and a little sauce on plates.

Ta Da, Melon American.

They’re red, white and green. I don’t know why she called them American. Don’t ask. Learn from me, it’s easier that way. 

 

 

 

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