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Archive for March, 2014

Dairy Princess, Really?

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 26, 2014| 8 Comments »


I’m sure you will be pleased to know Miss Dairy Princess was crowned last night. The stress has been lifted and the country gives a collective sigh of relief, we can now start thinking about world peace.
I can’t report anything more specific since the tickets cost twenty bucks and there wasn’t an open bar. I checked.
Tonight, the mood has shifted as there’s a military banquet. Think men in uniforms roaming the halls. I loves me a man in uniform. Okay, okay, I loves me a man. Tomorrow night I’ll be back home.
Tata till then.
P.S. Panty report. They’re chafing.

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My Traveling Panties, Back On The Road. Again

Posted in comedian, comic, family, humor, Uncategorized, Writing, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 25, 2014| 12 Comments »


I’m in South Dakota – forgot my hat, gloves, and scarf. I don’t own a coat and am recalcitrant towards the idea of buying one. And it’s freaking cold.

One guy went ice fishing. I said me too in freezer section at my grocery store. And my fish were in the form of sticks, beat that.

Downstairs they’re holding the South Dakota Dairy Princess competition.  It’s a cross between Amish mafia and duck dynasty with a little children of the corn. You can see why I’ve retreated to my room. These people have some serious game faces.

So long from the frozen tundra. Here’s wishing me spring.

So, I’m back on the road again.

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I’m in the Crap Business

Posted in comedian, comic, family, humor, short story, Uncategorized, Writing, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 18, 2014| 38 Comments »


I started a new job a week ago. Tuesday was my first day.

Tuesday: I’ve received twenty-five documents to read today. And I don’t have a computer yet. I’ll be traveling a lot, so they’re sending a laptop. Yeah!

Wednesday: All of the documents I received are from 2010-2012. I think they might be outdated. Also they’re all about different subjects and there’s nothing to connect them. I’m going to keep plugging along, it’ll make sense soon. P.S. Didn’t get the computer today. 😦

Thursday: I’ve received a task to complete by Monday. They documents I have are definitely outdated. I don’t have access to the company’s library. Did I mention I didn’t get my laptop today?

Friday: I received my laptop. Yeah! 🙂 I got someone to send me a couple of documents about my assignment to write about something I don’t know anything about yet.

Saturday: Trying to catch up today. I don’t have access yet. I talked to IT, they said the forms haven’t been signed. So I can’t login. In the meantime, people are sending me emails to a box I can’t access. Great. 😦

Sunday: Ok, I bit the bullet and just started writing about what little crap I have.

Monday: I sent out my crap for review. I don’t know if it was a test or hazing, but at least I have a draft. I’m sure I’m receiving lots of informative email messages in the box I can’t open. On a side note – I received a call from 1989. They want their computer back.

Tuesday Morning: Got back comment from the crap I wrote, not too bad. I have several meetings online.

Tuesday Afternoon: I attended this morning’s meetings. Still don’t know crap and can’t access crap. Some people sent me more bits and pieces of their favorite crap to my personal email account. Nothing to tie it all together. When I ask questions, I’m told to look in the documents from 2010. With a warning, these documents need to be updated. They’re three years old. Oh crap.

They’re sending me to the corporate offices tomorrow way up in freezing land. It’s thirty degrees there. I live in a desert, I don’t have a coat. Super crap.

So to summarize, I’m going to the mother ship in the frozen tundra without a coat. I don’t know crap about crap. I have meetings all day about crap, but it’s not related to the crap I’m supposed to finish by Friday.

I think that pretty much summarizes new jobs, everything’s crap for a while.

P.S. My laptop times out when I open emails. I think it might be crap.

 

 

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My Grams Invented Road Rage

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 17, 2014| 15 Comments »


I was about ten when my Grams introduced me to road rage. We were having a nice leisurely drive through the small town she lived in. A woman came up behind us and started honking.  Now this was a large road with three lanes and only two cars on the road, hers and Grams’.

She continued honking for a while before Grams changed lanes. The young little twit didn’t know what she was in for. My Grams got right behind her and began honking, nonstop. She was laughing gleefully, not unlike a crazy witch on speed. This continued quite a while. We followed that pour woman into the parking lot.  When she got out of her car, my Grams rolled down her window shook her fist and roared off.

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Have You Ever Made an Intern Do Your Laundry?

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 13, 2014| 18 Comments »


Now that I’m employed I was thinking about getting some help. Perhaps there is some young bright eyed bushy tailed college student aspiring to a future in the personal assistant industry.  Is that an industry? Whatever. I’m willing to gift that experience.
Here’s my intern daydream –
Intern: Good Morning, Miss A. Here’s your breakfast.
I sit up in bed, removing my sleeping mask, which I don’t have.
Me: Thank you, Peggy Sue.
Intern: That’s not my name.
Me : I don’t have time for this. Add learning your name to my calendar.
Intern: I’ve scheduled it for this afternoon.
DAY PROGRESSES
Intern leaving for the evening: I’ve sorted through your emails; processed the request for appearances, Yes to Oprah, no to Nolan; created a cover for your book; sent your sisters birthday gifts; made your bed and finished your laundry.
Me: I love you Peggy Sue.
Intern: My name’s not Peggy Sue.
Me: Add a reminder to learn your name to my calendar.

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Blog Characters Begging for Their Own Story

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 11, 2014| 22 Comments »


I’ve blogged about people I’ve known at various times in my life. Last night I had a dream where almost everyone of them lived in a small town together.

There was Maybelle, my ex-bosses, my sisters, the pistol and his family, etc. Plus a man who came into the local dinner naked. I didn’t write about him, he just invaded my dream without his pants. And not in a good way.

Would anyone be interested in reading about these characters and their fictional adventures? Let me know your thoughts.

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How I Made My Boss a Vampire

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 8, 2014| 10 Comments »


I was going to tell you how I made my vampire boss my best friend. (If you’re new to my blog check out More Fun with Bosses to find out more about my vampire boss. Real person, not kidding.)

My vampire boss made men’s blood run cold. If you could hear the click, click, click of her high heels coming, someone was going to get his/her throat ripped out. One day I knew that click, click, click was coming for me.

I waited a little apprehensive. No one likes to have their throat ripped out. I made a vow to myself as she ripped around the corner. Either we were going to be friends after this or she would leave parading my head on a stick.

With her face screwed up like a demon about to unleash it’s venom, she opened her mouth.

Holding up my hand, palm facing her, I said, “Stop. I know you have a problem and I am here to help you, but first you have to wipe that expression off your face and calm yourself done.”

After that, she was my best friend. She would even run out and bring my lunch back if I was busy. Of course I’d ask her to, her and the CIO. He brought me lunch several times too. Hey no problem asking.

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YEA BABY!!!!! (Not a real baby.)

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 7, 2014| 25 Comments »


Hey everyone,

Sorry I neglected you for the past couple of days. When I left you, I was given a kind of offer, nothing in writing. For the rest of the week I have been having multiple interviews per day, gather work samples and creating samples for things I didn’t have.

Finally, late this afternoon, after the third interview of the day, I got a solid offer. It came after I interviewed with the Vice President who said, “Now that’s someone I can have a drink with.”

I start on Tuesday and will be in Texas next week and Sioux Falls every other week after that. Thank you for your encouragement and well wishes.

Now I’m off to watch trashy TV – an entire season of Amish Mafia. I love that infighting.

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Glippie-trippie-seed – Mythical Medical Terms

Posted in humor, Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , , on March 4, 2014| 15 Comments »


I glippie-trippie-seed myself. For those not in the medical industry, an explanation.

I tripped over a cord. Just as I recovered, I tripped on a rug, slamming my palm into the corner of my desk. I twisted my other hand against my desk (both bruised).

Then, in order to stop myself, I rammed my head into a wooden shelf. Though it may be more accurate to say the shelf stopped me as I was moving and it was not.

To summarize, Glippie-trippie-seed: a double trip ending with a few tears and a big ouch. Resulting in a headache involving no alcohol. Followed up with several Advil. You probably saw it in the Olympics.

If Advil wants to sponsor me, I can find other shameless ways to plug their drug.

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Super Yumminess

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , , , , , on March 3, 2014| 41 Comments »


Holy Moly. Mother of Super Yahuperness. I have a job offer. It’s in the Dakotas so I just need a way to get there and really warm clothes. Don’t know whether I’m excited or panicked, probably both. I’m inspired, perchance a haiku

Yeah yeah yeah

I don’t know what to say

I know haiku’s aren’t supposed to rhyme

But I can’t help myself most of the time

I have a jooob

I have a jooob

I have a jooob

I’ll try to write something of substance tomorrow. If you’ve read any of my previous posts, you know that’s a lie. I never post anything of substance.

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