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Archive for May, 2015


Last night I made myself lie down and close my eyes.

These last few weeks I haven’t thought about sleep until the sun is coming up. I don’t want to stop to think, not even for sleep. Keep your mind busy.

Play another game.

Watch another show.

What’s on YouTube?

Read the news.

Who’s killing who?

Has Greece sunk beneath the sea of it’s debt yet.

Wait for exhaustion.

When the light starts to peek through the trees. I know I won’t have to think when I finally stop to sleep.

Instead, tonight I lay in the dark, my jaw stiff. Listening to my teeth grinding. I dreamed of a debate about an illness sweeping the world. We had the cure. It could be sprayed in the air and we would all be saved. But there was an insane deliberation about harming the environment. We could save everyone but did nothing instead.

I feel better today. I’ll exercise and shower. I’m going to get back to good someday soon. I hope I can find the right road.

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I woke up this morning, my head is pounding and all I can think is I’m going to die. I must have been clinching my jaws, neck and shoulders.  I’ve been off my routine since I got back from seeing the ex. It’s hard to keep up this game – exercise, food, schedule, medication. Why is happiness so difficult?

I knew last night when I went to bed I was going to smother in my sleep. I was 100% positive and I went to sleep anyway. I’m going to be dead in the next few days, I can feel it.

There’s another bit of my mind that knows it isn’t true. “You’re off your meds. Just get back on your routine.” My face aches, my head is pounding and I just don’t do it.

Dead in days, dead in days. It keeps echoing in the silence. That chant and the whirring of the ceiling fan, it’s all I hear.

I’m off my routine. I know I should get up and start. Get up. NOW! GET UP! But I keep staring at the ceiling.

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