Archive for January, 2012

I was with my sister and nephew on a foreign beach. It wasn’t a nudist beach, but apparently sometimes stuff just happens.

My nephew had just come to tell me, “Jesus walked on that water. I vomited in it.” Though geographically challenged, he was still cute.

On the blanket next to us, a guy and girl somewhere between 18 and stupid decided to have an all out wrestling match tongue included. I decided we should probably leave before my nephew caught on.

But my timing was a little off, because he was suddenly filled with righteous indignation saying, “You’re not allowed to fight with girls. They’re not as tough as us.”

As heads began turning, I grabbed his hand and started towards his mom and the car.

But my nephew wasn’t done yet. He loudly spewed some of his mother, saying, “You’re in  trouble. Wait until your father gets home.” Not quite finished, he yelled over his shoulder. “Give her her shirt back. You are in so much trouble young man.”

When I found my sister, his mother my parting words were – “Here that’s your.” Before I left her with my nephew.

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Does anyone else get tangled in their clothes?

I put on a sports bra this morning and the real sport turned out to be trying to get the thing off. I thought I was going to have to cut my way out or call for the jaws of live. I would have considered phone a friend but that conversation wouldn’t have gone so great.

“Hey friend. Whatcha doing?”

“Nothing, what about you?”

“Well, now that you ask, I put on a sports bra. When I tried to take it off, it got stuck. So it’s around my arm pits and I can’t put my arms down.”

The other day, I was trying to put on some wrap thingie and got tangled. I found myself spinning in circles, like my dog when she’s chasing her tail.

Now I remember why I don’t write a fashion blog.

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Dear Store Manager,

The Christmas stuff that didn’t sale before Christmas isn’t going to sell now at 30% off. I’m afraid the candy cane door mat, pine scented candles, and reindeer PJs all not happening. You need to cut your losses.

Think of Easter. That grass-skirt clad Santa isn’t going to be cute with colored eggs around it. Besides I hear the Easter Bunny doesn’t like to share.

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Yes, I’m still stuck on Christmas. I think I have enough posts to stretch this out to Valentine’s Day, but I’ll spare you.

I hate to be a Scrooge so this is my last Christmas related post.

Things I dislike, intensely about Christmas.

Stores so crowded you have hair in your mouth and it isn’t yours.

Christmas gifts that are chores.

Relatives who sign people up for dating services. That isn’t a gift even if you filled out the questionnaire and created the profile.

Anything of the month, except alcohol and chocolate.

-10 degrees. I don’t care of it’s fahrenheit or celcius. I don’t like it.

Rumors I didn’t start.

Things I love about Christmas.

Rumors I started.

Laughing until you cry because your sisters are so stupid funny.

The faces of little children Christmas morning.

The crunch of snow and the silence of a bitter cold night.

Reliving your childhood with your siblings and cousins.

Snowball fights, sled rides, horses, falling into snow drifts so deep you need help getting out.

Roaring fires, hot chocolate, knowing looks when your crazy elders speak their ‘wisdom’.

Your crazy elders you hope will live forever, but know won’t.

And yes, maybe even the tree you were given. That’s where I’ll be the rest of the day, the six hour journey to get the tree. Hopefully it produces apples of gold, real not gold plated.

And one more thing, remember the Writer’s Digest’s Best Websites Contest. If you read a blog and think, Wow she’s really funny, ignore her and remember me. Instructions provided purely as a public service.

1. Send brief email to writersdigest@fwmedia.com (click now)

2. Put 101 Best Websites Nominations in subject line. (cut and paste now)

3. As an example include some kind of note like

Please consider Deidra Alexander’s Blog at www.deidraalexander.com for your list of 101 Best Website. (copy and paste optional. )

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I should be writing a New Year’s blog post, but I’m not feeling terribly excited about it. Instead I’m writing a blog post about cleaning out my office closet.  I decided to organize my office so that I can write more efficiently. I’m doing this instead of writing, which is something I should consider later.

First thing, the closet is filled with empty containers. No wonder I don’t have room for anything in here.  I next encountered three alarm clocks still in boxes, funny since I’m always late.

Just found my Gramms’ old photo album perfect distraction. I can flip through these for a while. Ah, my eyes! There’s a picture of my Gramms in her industrial brazzer and a man’s tie around her neck drinking whiskey from the bottle. No, it wasn’t taken yesterday, she looks about twenty. I see what Gramps was attracted to, but I wonder who’s taking the pciture?

Four beanie babies I’ll set those aside for the kidlings.

Cloth grocery bags I never take to the grocery store. Perfect for storing the twenty plus empty containers.

Something in a box from IKEA called Rationell. Don’t know what it is. The only picture on the box is of a man throwing away trash. Those Swedes are so neat. Opened it. Put it together. Still don’t know what it is. I’m using it to hold notebooks on my desk.

Lots of trash, extra wrapping paper. Huge matted balls of cables for who knows what. Pictures that were never hung.

Oh dang it, Blind Dog made off with one of the beanie babies. Think it was a grey dog. Too late, Blind Dog’s chewed the nose off. (Yes, I’m a seeing eye human.)

My apologies to Blockbuster. Apparently you didn’t lose that movie several summers ago. My bad.

That’s about it. Wait somethings in the very back. Okay, no clue how this got back there. Tucked in the very back behind the vacuum and several large pictures is a lasso, a green lasso.  I have absolutely no idea where that could have come from.

Check your closets. If you find a stray cowboy, I’ve got his lasso.

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