Archive for August, 2016
Wax On Wax Off
Posted in animals, art, comedian, entertainment, family, humor, life, love, photography, Uncategorized, writer, Writing, tagged animals on August 31, 2016| 1 Comment »
When Practical Jokes Turn … on Me
Posted in art, comedian, comic, family, fantasy, Fantasy/Scifi, Fiction, flash fiction, food, humor, life, love, My Writing Updates, Personal, photography, Random, sarcasm, short story, sister, Uncategorized, writer, Writing, tagged author, comedian, comedy, comic, family, funny, humor, job, laugh, life, work, writer, writing on August 30, 2016| 34 Comments »
Every morning my obnoxious alarm goes off. Blinded by daylight, I slap it a couple of times and stumble to the kitchen. I stand in front of the open refrigerator door, drink milk straight from the carton, and grab a hard boiled egg.
I love cold hard boiled eggs so I make them on Sunday afternoon and put them in a container ready for the week. It adds to my mindless routine. I love mindless in the morning.
But one day it was different. Saturday morning, my siblings decided to get together. Early. Really early. They know I don’t do early, especially not on Saturday. Early Saturday in Deidra time means I’ll be 2 hours late. Whatever time you set.
To help me with this, they decided to meet at my house and for my convenience, they let themselves in. They’re really thoughtful that way.
An issue arose during the early morning gathering which has forced me to issue the following warning.
To the person who replaced my boiled egg with a frozen egg,
I’m narrowing the suspect pool. The noose is tightening. Feel my breath on the back of your neck as I close in. In the words of the immortal wicked witch of Oz.
“I will get you and your little dog too.”
That’s Cheesy
Posted in animals, art, comedian, comic, entertainment, fantasy, Fantasy/Scifi, Fiction, flash fiction, food, humor, life, literature, Personal, photography, sarcasm, Uncategorized, writer, Writing, tagged animals on August 29, 2016| 7 Comments »
Cheese should be service room temperature. I learned that is France. I just took the cheese out of the frig, so I’m sitting on it trying to warm it up with the bun power. See, I am a super hero with super buns.
Buttons: The Necromancer’s Cat
Posted in Uncategorized on August 28, 2016| 21 Comments »
Buttons sat on the open window sill, his green eyes narrow slits. He calculated the amount of force it would take to propel himself through the air to the robins flitting about outside. Never mind the two-story drop.
“Buttons, come away from there,” his mistress sternly called.
He obeyed, begrudgingly.
Mind your own bee’s wax, he thought.
“You don’t want to eat them anyway.”
No, duh, the whole cat of the undead thing.
Katherine’s eyes narrowed.
Buttons pretended to ignore her, closing his eyes. Sometimes he thought she could read his mind. She was unnerving like that and cats are hard to unnerve.
He seemed like any other cat unless you looked too closely. Other than the scraggly fur and an ear that had seen better days, he seemed quite normal. His mistress had resurrected him when she was four. She was the most powerful necromancer in a thousand years, maybe ever. People avoid someone with power like hers.
This is What Commitment Looks Like
Posted in art, comedian, comic, humor, life, love, photography, Uncategorized on August 26, 2016| 18 Comments »
My Mind’s Eye Needs Glasses
Posted in art, books, comedian, comic, entertainment, fantasy, Fiction, flash fiction, humor, life, literature, Personal, photography, sarcasm, short story, writer, Writing, tagged minds eye on August 25, 2016| 24 Comments »
The following is a series of short random thoughts I had during the day when I should have been doing something productive.
I didn’t stretch my jaw enough before I started talking I think I pulled a muscle. Now I have a headache. Am I the only person alive who has to stretch her jaw muscles to start the day?
I was feeling nostalgic thinking back on my childhood, so I decided to recreate a summer camp memory. I took a shower in cold water pretending I was back in girl scouts … I remembered why I hated girl scouts.
How is it the blinking light on my phone saying I have emails or tweets wakes me up, but I sleep through two alarms? Maybe that’s my super power and I’m now a super hero.
I hate it when I have to go to the doctor for a shot. The shot doesn’t really bother me. It’s my doctor. He has osteoporosis and his nurse has arthritis in her hands. Who do I chose? I wind up flipping a coin,
Jungle Love
Posted in animals, art, comedian, entertainment, family, humor, life, love, photography, Uncategorized, writer, Writing, tagged animals on August 24, 2016| 5 Comments »
I Don’t Need You to Scare Me, I Scare Myself
Posted in anxiety, art, books, entertainment, family, fantasy, Fiction, flash fiction, humor, life, literature, Personal, Random, sarcasm, writer, Writing, tagged author, comedian, comedy, family. job, funny, humor, humour, job, laugh, life, writer, writing on August 23, 2016| 30 Comments »
I’ve been a bit under the weather. The doctor prescribed me a cough medicine with codeine.
Wrapped in a warm blanket snuggle into the depths of the sofa, the darkness had settled and with it a drowsy drugged feeling. I hadn’t coughed in almost an hour.
The light from the television pushing just enough light into the room to make out the patches on Grandma’s old quilt.
Soft elevator music played in the background while a man in the lobby of a large office building buffed the floor. A comforting fog moved into my mind.
What was the name of this movie? My mind drifted like a cloud.
A deafening crash echoed through the room as a body slams on top of a truck on the screen in front of me.
My chest was heaving my body tense, I was hardly able to process what just happened. I looked around at the people watching TV with me. They were staring at me with open mouthed amazement.
“Did I scream out loud?”
“Yeah,” my roomie replied.
I screamed like I have never screamed before. Hollywood pays people for this kind of high pitched, gut wrenching scream of terror. I tell you this so that you may learn a lesson from it. If you are taking cough medicine with codeine, do not watch a movie called Devil. I had to pray myself to sleep last night.
The Rule of Asses
Posted in art, books, chick lit, comedian, comic, entertainment, family, fantasy, Fiction, flash fiction, humor, life, literature, Personal, photography, Recommendations, sarcasm, shopping, short story, writer, Writing, tagged author, comedian, comic, family, fantasy, Fiction, food, foodie, funny, humor, job, life, paranormal, romance, work, writer, writing on August 22, 2016| 56 Comments »
After hours of shopping, I was trying on slacks in a brightly lit dressing room. Finally, I found a pair that fit perfectly. Tight enough in the right places and loose in others.
When I stepped out of the dressing room to show my friend, she said, “You have the ass that could rule the world.”
Maybe I could rule the world. I seriously considered her statement before realizing there are already enough asses ruling out there now.
When Panties Fly
Posted in art, books, chick lit, comedian, comic, entertainment, fantasy, Fiction, humor, life, literature, sarcasm, short story, travel, writer, Writing, tagged comedy on August 21, 2016| 71 Comments »
It was early one spring when I found myself on a French highway between Normandy and Paris with my panties strung on a line across the back window of a silver sports car. French truck drivers, not unlike American truck drivers were quick to express their approval of my delicates flapping in the breeze as I zoomed back to Paris.
This would never have happened if I hadn’t decide liquor was more important than panties. You see I worked in Europe three weeks of every month. So naturally, I decided I could forego clothing to create luggage space for more wine and champagne.
This time my brilliance got the best of me. I found myself in the unfortunate position of being in a hotel in rural France without clean panties.
Never fear, I thought, a quick wash in the sink and they’ll be dry and ready for the flight back to the U.S. in the morning.
However, come morning my “delicates” were still wet. Not to be outwitted by panties, I grabbed a string from the hotel owner and strung it across the back window of the sports car I had rented. I set off for Paris, my windows down and my line of undies flapping behind me. Admiring truck drivers honked at me all the way back to Paris.
Unfortunately, I hadn’t calculated air speed and drag, not being of the mathematically minded. As I pulled into the car rental lot to the shocked horror of the Parisian employees, one end of the string had pulled loose and the whole string was waving like a kite high above the back of that sports car shining in the morning sun.
They found me ripping my underwear out of the back window and shoving it into my suitcase just in time to catch my flight. They didn’t even had the decency to look haughty.
- Follow Deidra Alexander's Blog on WordPress.com
-
Join 29.2K other subscribers
Archives
- June 2017
- May 2017
- April 2017
- January 2017
- December 2016
- November 2016
- October 2016
- September 2016
- August 2016
- July 2016
- June 2016
- May 2016
- April 2016
- March 2016
- February 2016
- January 2016
- November 2015
- October 2015
- September 2015
- August 2015
- May 2015
- March 2015
- February 2015
- December 2014
- September 2014
- August 2014
- July 2014
- June 2014
- May 2014
- April 2014
- March 2014
- February 2014
- January 2014
- October 2013
- September 2013
- October 2012
- September 2012
- August 2012
- July 2012
- June 2012
- May 2012
- April 2012
- March 2012
- February 2012
- January 2012
- December 2011
- November 2011
- October 2011
- September 2011
- August 2011
- July 2011
- June 2011
- April 2011
- February 2011
- January 2011
- November 2010
- October 2010
- September 2010
Deidra Alexander's Blog 