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Archive for June, 2016


90 (4)

Dear Kitten,

My paintbrushes are not kitty chew toys. Please stop taking them from the jar on my desk.

Dear Kitten,

Please stop lying on my freshly painted work. I know “up” is your favorite place. But I put them “up” high so you wouldn’t get to them.

Dear Kitten,

Though the paints are nontoxic, I don’t think you should drink the rinse water. Does it really taste that great?

Dear Kitten,

When I went to answer the phone that was not permission for you to walk on my stamp pad and then across my desk.

Dear Kitten,

When I woke up this morning and you were sleeping with your head on the pillow next to mine, I forgot all the annoying things you did yesterday.

 

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389

Could this be the future?

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21 (11)

I loves me a cowboy.

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48 (16)

I have a co-worker I like to refer to as Miss Positivity. When I’m ranting and raving about someone whose causing me issues, she days, “You never know what’s going on in her life. She might be having issues.”

I tried to get her to say something bad about someone.

Nope.

So I asked, “What about a serial killing cannibal?”

To which she replied, “You never know, he might have a vitamin deficiency.”

Tell that to the people in his freezer.

 

 

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work out

If you can’t walk up it, I don’t think you can roll up it.

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green jewel

Shapeless lumps of teeth and flesh surround me, clawing and biting at my arms. Their talons are careful not to tear the green, Grecian gown I wear. Together we rise slowly from the pit.

A great flash of light.

I drop to a crouch, hugging my knees to my chest. The creatures ignite falling in columns of ash around me.

I wake to blazing lights cutting across the sky, punctuated by a barrage of thunder. The storm rages outside and I am sweat drenched in bed.

If I could paint the images in my head. The cavernous hall, filled with sights and words I cannot banish. I try to chase the ravens from my window sill, but they always return wanting more.

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Pet the kitty!

457

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53 (9)

Hey Maybelle, the dish needs adjusting.

Why me?

Because you’re in charge of dishes.

I’ve been thinking again. This time about tourettes. I worked with a guy who had tourettes, but he only twitched when he got nervous. He didn’t yell out random obscenities. I thought he should just for fun. I would.

I would begin all meetings with –

“I want to apologize in advance. I have tourettes. When I get nervous I may say a few inappropriate words or phrase. Which can quickly snowball since my nerves will increase the more words I say.”

Then at some point I’ll break in with –

“Holy crap.

Damn it.

Turkey butt.

Sorry ass.

Son of a bitch.

Can those peaches, honey buns!

Sorry my Grandpa was a frugal man.”

And thus would end the meeting on a high note.

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winter princess woman

My Grandmother wanted her ashes spread over a field of blue bonnets. So after she was cremated, we set out to find the perfect place. It became somewhat of a contest.

I have four sisters and two brothers. Cell phones at the ready, we all set out like it was some kind of race to find the perfect place. Pictures flew of green fields with a smattering of blue. None were considered worthy of Grams.

The hunt continued some good contenders were found, but nothing quite right. One of my brothers even submitted a dense patch of blue in the median somewhere along highway 67. Be real Bro. Who wants to visit Grams along a busy stretch of country highway?

Finally, one of my over achieving sisters found a rolling patch of blue leading down to a lake. (I say she’s over achieving mostly because I didn’t find it myself.)

And so we scheduled a lovely morning to say farewell to Grams. I met my sister, the over achiever to car pool. Someone thought it would be a good idea to take handfuls of her and spread her around thinking good thoughts.

Midway through I realized how disgusting this was. That was about the time the wind picked up. Grandma blew back in my face and I choked on her.

On our way home, my sisters wanted to go through a drive through and pick up a burger.

I said, “I have to go in. I have Grandma all over my hands and steering wheel.”

My sister start to laugh.

I took one look at her and said, “You have a smudge of Grandma on your teeth.”

I don’t know how many time I’ve told my sister to keep her mouth shut. She never listens. I think this makes her a cannibal.

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you said not to cut is down

the palm. So we built around it.

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