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I’m trying to work today, however my cat has other ideas. He has gone from the back of my chair, to my lap, my desk, my keyboard and now my mouse. Oh Annoying Cat, go somewhere else. I’m trying to write a book. Maybe I should have gotten a gold fish.

How does your pet try to get attention?

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What does this picture have to do with my post?

 Nothing, but it’s my blog and I can post it if I want to.

I need to write something funny, but I’m not feeling inspired. I think maybe my blood sugar is too even since I eat mostly vegetables now. I’m missing the sugar highs, I think I was much funnier then. Or maybe I’m missing alcohol, the drinking kind not the rubbing kind.

Someone told me that I could get more traffic on my blog if I wrote about trending topics, but I don’t know how I can fit World War III, polar bears, Earth and border patrol all into the same post. The Earth will be engulfed in World War III if the polar bears aren’t stopped by the border patrol. That was totally spontaneous.

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72 (9)

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haunted-house

On my way to New Orleans, I stayed in a less expensive hotel in order to save a little money. It seemed fine enough, except the carpet was sticky, there were no washcloths and no soap. The front desk clerk said they were out of soap, but I could have an extra packet of shampoo.

I slept with my coat on. I feel dirty and not in a good way.

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garden girl

My phone number belonged to a call girl before I got it from T-Mobile. She must have been really good because she still gets calls. I thought about answering numbers I don’t know with some themed response.

Since it was Christmas –

Do you want a one horse open sleigh or the whole team?

We’re running a two for one special on Santa’s Little Helper.

Would you like the two French hens and my partridge in your pear tree?

 

With this kind of talent, I should be writing erotica.

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cropped-dog-snowman.jpg

Some people never grow up and I’m glad I’m one of them. My top 10 list of things I said during Christmas.

10. I don’t know who brought the whoopee cushion, but yes, I did use it.

9. You are not allowed to use my <deodorant, shampoo, eye shadow, moisturizer> without asking because you forgot yours or it smells SO good.

8. My sweater will not be the same after your chest has been in it.

7. Yes, I brought heated sheets and no, they are not for us to share.

6. To my “vegan” sister: We all know you’re a vegan. However, lobster is an animal and it does so count. I don’t care what you read. And I still think serving you the turkey neck was funny and so do our brothers.

5. Leaving my door unlocked was not an invitation for you all to take over my bed and drink my chocolate wine. And I’m the only one who gets to drink out of the bottle.

4. Reading my journal is not an attempt to bring us closer. It was not lying open on the bed. It was hidden in the chest of drawers.

3. I don’t think waving the turkey carcass, butt first in my face brought back nostalgic memories from our childhood.

2. I don’t know who put the ice packs in your beds. To one of my brothers: Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. Good one.

1. Sorry the kittens shredded the toilet paper, again. I have a 20 pack hidden in my trunk.

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