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Archive for the ‘Fiction’ Category


Everyone seems to be teaching some kind of class or writing some kind of how to book. Someone suggested I take an inventory of my skills and then create an empire around my greatest ability. I thought jeez I want an empire, surely I learned a thing or two worth knowing. Sure enough I found one skill I have that far outstrips all of the others, procrastination. Yes, I could teach a master’s class. So, I want to introduce a seminar I’m putting together to teach the fine art.

I’m going to get back to putting together the materials. Right after I paint the note cards I used for another project. If I paint them, I can use them again. While they’re drying I’ll play another game a solitaire and read my emails. After that I’ll clean off my desk. You can’t start a new project with a dirty desk. Have I checked Facebook today? I need a fan page.

Gosh this is exhausting work. Maybe a a nap. I’ll be refreshed a ready to go after a nap. What’s that spot on the wall? I should probably clean that. Oh look a squirrel. Where’s my camera? …

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My son started eating vegetarian pork and beans.

I said, “You like the pork and beans without the pork. I like them without the beans.”

He said, “That’s just barbecue pork.”

Laughing I said, “Exactly.”

“That’s not funny.”

Which made it funnier. He rolled his eyes. I snorted and choked. It wasn’t funny anymore. But he laughed anyway.

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Someone advised me to network with other authors. I was going to offer my services for something I’m really good at. Then this morning I realized I can’t remember what I’m really good at. I think I’m getting an early case of my Mother’s forgetfulness.

She use to run around the house saying, “Where are my glasses? Where are my glasses?”

Someone would invariably say, “They’re on your head.”

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I’m spending the day writing or in this case writing about writing. I started the day at a word count of 16,800 words for my book Who Stole the Corporate Sausage. To give some perspective my target word count is 50,000 words, so I’m about 30% through. I’m hoping to finish the first and second draft by the end of the month. Ambitious, I know.

I’m finishing the formatting for a vegetarian cookbook I’ve also been working on. It includes a few alcoholic beverages. It turns out alcohol is vegan. Who knew? Perhaps this vegetarian thing won’t be so bad after all. Maybe I’ll change the title to The Drunk Vegetarian.

Since today is Friday, the day can only get better with each passing hour, so here’s to the best hour of all, happy hour. Cheers.

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I’m writing a book of humorous essays and quips called Who Stole the Corporate Sausage? Think Dilbert met the TV show The Office and had a love child. I’m thinking of releasing a free shorter version with some of the content called My Boss Is An Asterisks Hole. 

Is this something you guys might be interested in?

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haunted-house

On my way to New Orleans, I stayed in a less expensive hotel in order to save a little money. It seemed fine enough, except the carpet was sticky, there were no washcloths and no soap. The front desk clerk said they were out of soap, but I could have an extra packet of shampoo.

I slept with my coat on. I feel dirty and not in a good way.

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garden girl

My phone number belonged to a call girl before I got it from T-Mobile. She must have been really good because she still gets calls. I thought about answering numbers I don’t know with some themed response.

Since it was Christmas –

Do you want a one horse open sleigh or the whole team?

We’re running a two for one special on Santa’s Little Helper.

Would you like the two French hens and my partridge in your pear tree?

 

With this kind of talent, I should be writing erotica.

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cropped-dog-snowman.jpg

Some people never grow up and I’m glad I’m one of them. My top 10 list of things I said during Christmas.

10. I don’t know who brought the whoopee cushion, but yes, I did use it.

9. You are not allowed to use my <deodorant, shampoo, eye shadow, moisturizer> without asking because you forgot yours or it smells SO good.

8. My sweater will not be the same after your chest has been in it.

7. Yes, I brought heated sheets and no, they are not for us to share.

6. To my “vegan” sister: We all know you’re a vegan. However, lobster is an animal and it does so count. I don’t care what you read. And I still think serving you the turkey neck was funny and so do our brothers.

5. Leaving my door unlocked was not an invitation for you all to take over my bed and drink my chocolate wine. And I’m the only one who gets to drink out of the bottle.

4. Reading my journal is not an attempt to bring us closer. It was not lying open on the bed. It was hidden in the chest of drawers.

3. I don’t think waving the turkey carcass, butt first in my face brought back nostalgic memories from our childhood.

2. I don’t know who put the ice packs in your beds. To one of my brothers: Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. Good one.

1. Sorry the kittens shredded the toilet paper, again. I have a 20 pack hidden in my trunk.

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27 (2)

You’re trapped on a deserted island with the main character from the last movie or TV program you last watched. How do you survive and/or escape?

I’m trapped with Claus Michaelson, the lead vampire from the Original. I think I just became a blood bag.

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219

Simon says stand on your left leg.

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