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Posts Tagged ‘laugh’

Abbie, You Are a Big, Fat Liar

Posted in art, comic, family, humor, Personal, Random, sarcasm, Uncategorized, Writing, tagged , , , , , , , , , , on February 22, 2014| 20 Comments »


Dear Abbie,

I know you must work at Careerbuilder, because your emails end with their name. You send me emails almost everyday. Always with the same subject XYZ Company is interested in you.

I fell for it the first couple of times. I mean who wouldn’t. You work at a large employment site which I regularly use. I figure you have the inside scoop and have found me <blank> (charming, pathetic, funny, sad, annoying, add your own).

I thought perhaps these companies are really shy, like back in grade school and wanted you to slip me a little note. “We like you, do you like us, check yes or no.” I went directly to the company and said, “Yes, I like you and would love to go steady.”

However… Not only did they not send the note, they had never heard of me. And when they had they were nice enough. “We’re sure you’re a really nice person (call security we’ve got a live one.), but we’re already going steady and we really like him… a lot.”

How humiliating.

You’re on notice Abbie. I’m hip to you and your funny hijinks. So when you get an email telling you some awesome company wants to go steady with you, remember I’ve got my eye on you.

Dee

P.S. Am I still your friend? Check Yes or No. NO big fat NNNNNOOOOOO!

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Remember Maybelle, Not of the Ice Cream Fame, the Rubbers Fame

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 20, 2014| 9 Comments »


Maybelle collected butterflies (warning if you have a pet butterfly, stop reading). She had a lovely collection on the wall behind her desk, close to thirty.

The collection was so varied no two were the same colors.

It was a lovely day in spring.

One day I was asking her a question, “When are we going to take the V22 out for a test run, I want to shot some missiles?” A breeze came through the open door on my right, bringing with it the smell of the Chesapeake Bay. Everything faded around me. I was hardly listening anymore.

“We don’t have any tests scheduled until next month…”

I was lost in early spring. Maybelle had added another butterfly to her collection. It was pale yellow with bright blue on the tail.

“… and we’re not testing missiles.”

Then the wing flipped. I jumped, blinking. That can’t be right. It’s wing flipped again.  Oh no.  It wasn’t still alive!

Oh yes it was. Maybelle had caught a butterfly at lunch and pinned it to the wall.

I never crossed Maybelle after that.  She was a butterfly hit man and I didn’t want her turning to humans.

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Yes, I do accept money orders, checks, cashier check…

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 19, 2014| 28 Comments »


I was reading a couple of blogs this afternoon when I came across one that mentioned Writer Sponsorships. Really? Is there such a thing?

I’ve sponsored several of my friends and their children to dance, walk, march (band), play, run, whatever. Paying an amount per hour, mile or whatever. For things such as loving trees, hugging trees, planting trees, saving trees, and well whatever.

However, I never thought of a sign up sheet for sponsoring my writing, some sum of money for amount of words or pages written during a certain period of time. That’s brilliant. For example someone, probably a great aunt who pities me, might offer twenty-five cents for every 100 or 500 or 1,000 words or pages in a 14 day period.

Interesting idea, how fast would I write if I were actually getting paid? Could I or would I finish a rough draft in 14 days?

Okay, I’m convinced. I’ve made up my sponsor sheet and I’m sitting right here with my favorite pencil, poised ready to sign you up.

Sitting here, not writing, just waiting for you or anyone… It’s very quiet. … Very, very. …

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Maybelle in Her 70’s Gives Noteworthy Advice

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 18, 2014| 21 Comments »


I’m supposed to blog everyday, except I missed Monday. I’m back today to try again.

A while back, I was working in Maryland. An engineer moved from Atlanta to work with us.

After the first week so, a technician in her 70s, Maybelle gave him some note worthy advice.

With a big grin on her face, Maybelle said, “I know what you need?”

To which Willie replied with an equally big grin, “What?”

She said, “Rubbers.”

Willie’s smile waned. “What?”

“You’re going to need rubbers and good strong ones.”

Maybelle continued to grin.

Willie’s smile was replaced by confusion. He began rocking from one foot to another. He looked at me.

How long should I let the show continue?

I shrugged, asking, “Do you two need some alone time?”

“No!” Willie snapped. “Look,” he stammered at Maybelle, “… you’re a nice person … I mean it’s not that I don’t like you … you’re very interesting …”

Maybelle continued grinning. She had no clue.

“Galoshes, it rains a lot, there’s swamps and things get boggy.” I had to rescue him. He was going to upset Maybelle and she was 76 after all.

So, if you’re in a really wet climate, look for those really strong rubbers.

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Who Needs Cable When You have a Brother-in-law

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 14, 2014| 17 Comments »


Was at my sisters a few weeks ago.

My young nephew, the Pistol, asked his Dad, “What does CENSORED mean?”

His Dad replied, “It’s CENSORED, not CENSORED.”

My sister turned molten rage in her eyes, steam coming out of her ears.

I grabbed a drink and pulled up a chair. For once I was quiet. I didn’t want to get kicked out when things were getting really good.

My Sister yelled, “Why did you tell him how to pronounce it?”

My Brother-in-law replied, “I don’t know. I wasn’t thinking.”

Good one, Bro. I’m sure she’ll run with that.

At which point the Pistol asked, “BUT, WHAT DOES CENSORED MEAN?”

My sister turned to him and said, “You go sit on the front porch.” She must have noticed me then, because she added, “You too.”

I said “What, I didn’t laugh?”

She gave me the hairy eyeball.

So, the Pistol and I were sitting on the front porch when he asked, “What does CENSORED mean?”

“It’s a bad word.”

“Oh, why didn’t they just tell me that?”

“I don’t know, they’re your parents.”

“Yeah, they send me out here a lot when I ask about new words.”

“Yeah, me too.”

So I’m assuming my Sister is having a REALLY good Valentine’s Day. If not, I’m sure her and her husband are discussing new words.

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Coffee and Lots of Chocolate

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 13, 2014| 8 Comments »


A few years ago, we got a new coffee flavor at the office, Chocolate Doughnut. If there was ever a coffee for me, that’s got to be the one. So of course, I tried it. Chocolate Doughnut awesome greatness, right? No, I couldn’t find the chocolate doughnut because of all the coffee.

However, that gave me a super idea. The office also had a candy dish. I grabbed three Three Musketeers, dropped them into the Chocolate Doughnut coffee, and stirred until dissolved. It didn’t help. Coffee is obviously a demon’s brew, because it totally overwhelmed the chocolate. And, we all know chocolate is a gift from heaven.

Since I had wasted three chocolates, I felt obliged to drink it anyway.  I was sick as a dog. Obviously, coffee is poison, because we all know chocolate could never make me sick.

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Can a Blogger Post Everyday?

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 12, 2014| 22 Comments »


What could I possibly write about everyday? There’s only so much of the Pistol anyone can take. Someone said she created her photo album pages using everyday cues, For instance, she looked at her coffee and create pages involving coffee.

So that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to write about coffee. I don’t drink coffee.

But my Mom did. She was an artist and drank 15 to 20 cups a day while she was painting. One day, I noticed she rinsed her paintbrushes in her coffee instead of the water.

“Deedeeann,” she called, (That’s me.) “make me coffee, please.”

On my way to the kitchen it struck me. Did she like the taste of the cream or the color of the coffee? So began my experiments.

First, I tried flour. Did she notice any difference? No.

Baking soda? No.

Baking powder? No.

Ice cream? Well maybe, she asked me to make another cup. Not really my goal.

If I wanted to get out of being the sole coffeemaker, I would have to take drastic action. Mayonnaise.

I was out of the rotation for several months until she forgot and then the experiments started anew.

I don’t know where the Pistol gets it.

 

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Picture of the Pistol

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , , , , , on February 11, 2014| 2 Comments »


Image

The Pistol Hiking Last Fall

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The Pistol Learns New Word

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , on February 10, 2014| 10 Comments »


I invited myself over to my sister’s house. I still don’t have heat, so I was seeking some warmth.

The Pistol has a brother in high school, who is himself a bit of a pistol. We were watching TV when an erectile dysfunction commercial came on.

Older Brother asked, “Pistol, do you know what erectile dysfunction is?”

Pistol’s Mom, “Stop it.”

Pistol replied, “Yeah.”

Pistol’s Mom was rendered speechless and full of dread.

Pistol continued, “It’s when your reptile has a big problem.”

Older Brother, “Well, not quite.”

Mom regained consciousness, “SHUT UP!”

And so the Pistol missed a bit of knowledge from his older brother.

Of course I just laughed hysterically through the whole thing, chanting tell him, tell him. I was escorted off of the premises again.

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My Sister … Again

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , on January 30, 2014| 16 Comments »


I’m not one to complain. Okay I am, but I haven’t blogged lately.

When my sister was over, she left one of those airplane catalogs in my bathroom. She had strategically circled certain items. She claims it wasn’t left on purpose. She forgot it and wants it back.

Too late. Dear Sis, you know the monogrammed roll of toilet paper you didn’t circle? Check it off your list. I have a role of toilet paper and a sharpie right here. Sharpie’s are water proof, so it’s save for guests and children.

For that matter, if anyone would like an artisan roll of toilet paper or paper towels, let me know and I’ll customize a roll for you.

To help support an unemployed blogger, visit my store at http://stores.ebay.com/Retrends-by-Dee

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