Posted in art, comedian, comic, Fantasy/Scifi, humor, photography, sarcasm on August 13, 2015| 9 Comments »
Posted in alcohol, animals, comedian, comic, humor, sarcasm, tagged funny on February 23, 2015| 10 Comments »
Due to ice and not the “cooling my Margarita” kind of ice, I’m trapped in Dallas when I should be in New York City.
The heat in my house is less than adequate. If I had little children, they would be wearing their cute little imaginary snow suits. As it is the kittens, who are HUGE (Maine coons cats) kept wheedling their way under my blankets to warm their paws on any expose skin they can find. Little darlings (again, sarcasm).
I was rotting my brain watching YouTube when I came across a video of men getting a-steams. Which is the steaming of the nether regions. You know, the one that starts with a…
You sit relaxing over a chair hole while hot tea boils beneath you. I was thinking holy mackerel, my Finnish friends with the love of saunas have started their own spa chain.
I haven’t had a manicure, pedicure or even a facial. So it may surprise you when I say, I have had my a.. steamed. Usually it’s in the middle of August and you’re praying the temperature will get down to 100 F (38 C), but you know it won’t until September. Then as sure as butter will fry your bacon, I inevitably say, “My butt is sweating.”
And you telling me people really pay for this. I’m starting a spa. Come on down to Texas and we can steam you. Just shove this green tea bag up your. Well, you know where. That’ll be five dollars please.
P.S. Next time I want to tell someone off, I’ll say, “Shove it in your chair hole and sit on it.”
Posted in amnesty, comedian, comic, humor, immigration, immigration reform, politics, sarcasm, tagged amnesty, immigration, immigration reform on February 18, 2015| 30 Comments »
This picture has nothing to do with the post. Just liked it.
I’ve been thinking about the amnesty tax credit thing. I’ll catch you up just in case. There’s an illegal alien amnesty program being bantered around the U.S. If you’re from certain countries, you can claim amnesty to stay in the United States.
In addition, you’ll get a social security number which will give you the right to vote in U.S. elections even though you aren’t a citizen. You’ll also be allowed to collect the tax credit which is $6,000 per year. The program allows you to collect for this year plus the last 3 years for a total of $24,000 tax free.
Never one to give up twenty four thousand tax free dollars, I’ve come up with a plan. I think I should renounce my U.S. citizenship and get a new one from one of the countries included in the amnesty program. Then claim amnesty thus securing my own twenty four thousand tax free dollars.
Now I just need to decide on a country. I don’t speak Spanish which may narrow my options. And then I want to do from the comfort of my home, preferably still in my pajamas.
Yes, I am lazy and greedy. Any suggestions?
Posted in animals, Christmas, humor, sarcasm, short story, Writing, tagged animals, blind dog, kitten, kitten sitting, kittens on December 24, 2014| 8 Comments »
My adventures in kitty sitting continue.
We drove to the old house yesterday to meet my siblings for Christmas.
We started the long drive in the morning bright and early also known as noon. We took the sedan instead of the convertible. If Blind Dog was disappointed, she didn’t say so.
BD took the back seat beside the two cat carriers containing Sam and Frodo. We began our merry drive, not zooming down the highway but tootling along the winding country lanes.
After we took a break to eat, drink and of course poop. The boys meowed pitifully when I tried to return them to their carriers. Thus they persuaded me to let them stay out.
As I was driving, Frodo decided he should sit on my shoulder just to make sure things were going well. Sam climbed into the front seat putting his front paws on the dashboard, my navigator I suppose.
Frodo decided to have a go at driving with his butt in my face and his front paws on the steering wheel. Sam sitting on the dashboard in front of me didn’t help me any.
With the boys, having chosen to return to their cages, we continued the trek with Blind Dog riding shotgun blasting whatever random radio station we could find.
P.S. The boys figured out how to open one of the bathroom doors. They went straight for the toilet paper. My little duo are going to make excellent cat burglars. If you keep your valuables in a roll of toilet paper, I suggest you move them now.
Posted in animals, Christmas, humor, sarcasm, Writing, tagged cat sitting, kittens, kitties on December 23, 2014| 5 Comments »
To start with, 80% of the time the kittens are adorable and cuddly. I’m going to report on the other 20% of the time.
I got up this morning to find that last two rolls of toilet paper properly gnawed and clawed. The dynamic duo found the toilet paper stash in the pantry and gave the dog a snack or two while they were at it.
You can’t imagine how much effort it takes to piece together enough ripped toilet paper to make a usable portion. Life goes on.
I was preparing breakfast this morning as the two kittens, Sam and Frodo watched the process. Strawberries, spinach, carrots, banana … I opened a lower cabinet drawer.
One kitten watched me wash carrots, I could have sworn there were two. The remaining kitten, Sam lost interest too and wandered to the forest of potted plants. I finished my smoothie and returned to my office.
At lunch, I was making a little something when I heard a little meow, muffled and far away. No kittens in sight. I opened all of the cabinet drawers, no kitten. My mistake went back to what I was doing.
Opening the refrigerator door, I heard another meow. Again, I opened the drawer, calling kitty, kitty, no sound. Continued making lunch.
The meowing began in earnest. I opened drawer after drawer, followed by cabinet doors until Frodo finally stepped out. Okay, so they’re still cute most of the time.
P.S. I bought Sam and Frodo a mird (mouse with feathers, mouse bird) toy today. It squeals and it’s eyes light up. The boys are mad for it.
P.P.S I’m bringing the lively fellows with me to visit my family at Christmas. Their owner is in Europe and they obviously can’t be left alone.
Posted in comedian, comic, family, Fantasy/Scifi, humor, My Writing Updates, Personal, Random, sarcasm, short story, Uncategorized, Writing, tagged author, comedian, comedy, comic, family, funny, humor, job, laugh, life, work, writer, writing on September 11, 2014| 32 Comments »
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