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Posts Tagged ‘humour’

Glippie-trippie-seed – Mythical Medical Terms

Posted in humor, Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , , on March 4, 2014| 15 Comments »


I glippie-trippie-seed myself. For those not in the medical industry, an explanation.

I tripped over a cord. Just as I recovered, I tripped on a rug, slamming my palm into the corner of my desk. I twisted my other hand against my desk (both bruised).

Then, in order to stop myself, I rammed my head into a wooden shelf. Though it may be more accurate to say the shelf stopped me as I was moving and it was not.

To summarize, Glippie-trippie-seed: a double trip ending with a few tears and a big ouch. Resulting in a headache involving no alcohol. Followed up with several Advil. You probably saw it in the Olympics.

If Advil wants to sponsor me, I can find other shameless ways to plug their drug.

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Super Yumminess

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , , , , , on March 3, 2014| 41 Comments »


Holy Moly. Mother of Super Yahuperness. I have a job offer. It’s in the Dakotas so I just need a way to get there and really warm clothes. Don’t know whether I’m excited or panicked, probably both. I’m inspired, perchance a haiku

Yeah yeah yeah

I don’t know what to say

I know haiku’s aren’t supposed to rhyme

But I can’t help myself most of the time

I have a jooob

I have a jooob

I have a jooob

I’ll try to write something of substance tomorrow. If you’ve read any of my previous posts, you know that’s a lie. I never post anything of substance.

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More Fun with Bosses

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 28, 2014| 21 Comments »


I’ve had a couple of bosses who were able to appreciate my sense of humor.

I was working on a project with about 75 people, 60 of whom were vegetarians. We were working particularly late one night, so a manager, lets call him Randall, ordered pizzas for everyone.

When the smell of Italian seasoning and bread filled my cube, I meandered on down to the conference room of delicious goodness.

The table was loaded with pizza of every description: salami, sausage, pepperoni, and so on. Until we got to the last two pizzas which were vegetarian. I stood there by Randall observing the luscious display.

I said, “Next time you should get more vegetarian. You know almost everyone’s a vegetarian.”

He said, “I did.”

“I only see two.”

“There’s those mushroom, onion, and bacon pizzas.”

I waited.

“Oh crap, bacon.You must think I’m an idiot.”

“No, I prefer special.”

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Live, Laugh, Love … Seriously

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , on February 27, 2014| 18 Comments »


If you’ve come to this blog looking for the book Live, Laugh, Love, move along. Don’t read any further, nothing to see here.

This blog is Scream, Cry, Jump Up and Down with a Little PMS and Lots of Alcohol thrown in. My furnace is broken. It was 18F. And my space heater broke. Argh, I may not get out of bed until spring.

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My Favorite Bosses – Count Down

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 25, 2014| 22 Comments »


I have several bosses that I loved working for. The most fun are the ones who play along with my insanity. One of my bosses moved to France and I miss her horribly. Her name was Elizabeth, so I called her Lizardibreath to her face. And behind her back.

There was a particular incident that demonstrates our relationship.

I was having  lunch at my desk: burger, fries, a packet of salt and of course a diet soda.  

Lizard-breath came stomping around the corner. We could all hear her coming. The click, click of her high heels running through the isle ways made grown men cringe.

“I need you to …”

I held up my hand for her to stop, opened the packet of salt and sprinkled it in a circle around my chair. “Ok, now what?” I asked.

She responded without skipping a beat. “I’m not a witch, I’m a vampire. I need you to ….”

“Damn it, I forgot the garlic salt.”

“Go through the clients records and …”

She was always up for the game. I really miss Lizard-breath. She just had to move to France. How insensitive can one person be?

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Roast Squirrels Recipe – I’m a Foodie Today

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 24, 2014| 25 Comments »


I have a whole shelf full of recipes from my ancestors, some of which are really great. Others are a bit odd. Someone has included notes on how to buy meat from the butcher. That tells you where most of the meat came from.

I’m not going to tell you how to make a crown roast out of hotdogs. I’ll save that for another day. Today is squirrel roasting day. Getting gigglie yet?

For this recipe you’ll need 3 small squirrels (so send a boy out with a good BB gun, they’ll generally drag you back a couple).

You’ll also need cooking oil, (We’re getting fancy now, usually it just lard or grease.) lemon juice, bread crumbs, milk, (Use cream if you’re having the preacher over.) mushrooms, salt, pepper, onion juice, (There aren’t instructions for juicing an onion, hum.) and bacon fat (My Gramm’s didn’t fail me. She says, “There’s no substitute for bacon lard.”)

I think it goes without saying but just in case dress, clean and wash the critters before you start. Marinade the meat with oil and lemon juice for at least 1 hour. Yum-Yum sounding good already, doesn’t it?

Stuff the squirrels with everything else. Sew it up, truss it and roast. Brush it with the bacon fat every 15 minutes. Serve it up with some pan gravy. And there you have it.

Ah heck, I should’ve put this recipe out for Thanksgiving. I apologize.

P.S If you don’t know who to dress and clean a squirrel, I’ll include that in the Braised Moose recipe. I’ll try to get to it before Easter.

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Abbie, You Are a Big, Fat Liar

Posted in art, comic, family, humor, Personal, Random, sarcasm, Uncategorized, Writing, tagged , , , , , , , , , , on February 22, 2014| 20 Comments »


Dear Abbie,

I know you must work at Careerbuilder, because your emails end with their name. You send me emails almost everyday. Always with the same subject XYZ Company is interested in you.

I fell for it the first couple of times. I mean who wouldn’t. You work at a large employment site which I regularly use. I figure you have the inside scoop and have found me <blank> (charming, pathetic, funny, sad, annoying, add your own).

I thought perhaps these companies are really shy, like back in grade school and wanted you to slip me a little note. “We like you, do you like us, check yes or no.” I went directly to the company and said, “Yes, I like you and would love to go steady.”

However… Not only did they not send the note, they had never heard of me. And when they had they were nice enough. “We’re sure you’re a really nice person (call security we’ve got a live one.), but we’re already going steady and we really like him… a lot.”

How humiliating.

You’re on notice Abbie. I’m hip to you and your funny hijinks. So when you get an email telling you some awesome company wants to go steady with you, remember I’ve got my eye on you.

Dee

P.S. Am I still your friend? Check Yes or No. NO big fat NNNNNOOOOOO!

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Remember Maybelle, Not of the Ice Cream Fame, the Rubbers Fame

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 20, 2014| 9 Comments »


Maybelle collected butterflies (warning if you have a pet butterfly, stop reading). She had a lovely collection on the wall behind her desk, close to thirty.

The collection was so varied no two were the same colors.

It was a lovely day in spring.

One day I was asking her a question, “When are we going to take the V22 out for a test run, I want to shot some missiles?” A breeze came through the open door on my right, bringing with it the smell of the Chesapeake Bay. Everything faded around me. I was hardly listening anymore.

“We don’t have any tests scheduled until next month…”

I was lost in early spring. Maybelle had added another butterfly to her collection. It was pale yellow with bright blue on the tail.

“… and we’re not testing missiles.”

Then the wing flipped. I jumped, blinking. That can’t be right. It’s wing flipped again.  Oh no.  It wasn’t still alive!

Oh yes it was. Maybelle had caught a butterfly at lunch and pinned it to the wall.

I never crossed Maybelle after that.  She was a butterfly hit man and I didn’t want her turning to humans.

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Yes, I do accept money orders, checks, cashier check…

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 19, 2014| 28 Comments »


I was reading a couple of blogs this afternoon when I came across one that mentioned Writer Sponsorships. Really? Is there such a thing?

I’ve sponsored several of my friends and their children to dance, walk, march (band), play, run, whatever. Paying an amount per hour, mile or whatever. For things such as loving trees, hugging trees, planting trees, saving trees, and well whatever.

However, I never thought of a sign up sheet for sponsoring my writing, some sum of money for amount of words or pages written during a certain period of time. That’s brilliant. For example someone, probably a great aunt who pities me, might offer twenty-five cents for every 100 or 500 or 1,000 words or pages in a 14 day period.

Interesting idea, how fast would I write if I were actually getting paid? Could I or would I finish a rough draft in 14 days?

Okay, I’m convinced. I’ve made up my sponsor sheet and I’m sitting right here with my favorite pencil, poised ready to sign you up.

Sitting here, not writing, just waiting for you or anyone… It’s very quiet. … Very, very. …

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Maybelle in Her 70’s Gives Noteworthy Advice

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 18, 2014| 21 Comments »


I’m supposed to blog everyday, except I missed Monday. I’m back today to try again.

A while back, I was working in Maryland. An engineer moved from Atlanta to work with us.

After the first week so, a technician in her 70s, Maybelle gave him some note worthy advice.

With a big grin on her face, Maybelle said, “I know what you need?”

To which Willie replied with an equally big grin, “What?”

She said, “Rubbers.”

Willie’s smile waned. “What?”

“You’re going to need rubbers and good strong ones.”

Maybelle continued to grin.

Willie’s smile was replaced by confusion. He began rocking from one foot to another. He looked at me.

How long should I let the show continue?

I shrugged, asking, “Do you two need some alone time?”

“No!” Willie snapped. “Look,” he stammered at Maybelle, “… you’re a nice person … I mean it’s not that I don’t like you … you’re very interesting …”

Maybelle continued grinning. She had no clue.

“Galoshes, it rains a lot, there’s swamps and things get boggy.” I had to rescue him. He was going to upset Maybelle and she was 76 after all.

So, if you’re in a really wet climate, look for those really strong rubbers.

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