Posted in art, comedian, comic, family, humor, sarcasm, Uncategorized, tagged author, comedian, comedy, comic, family, fantasy, food, funny, humor, humour, job, life, paranormal, work, writer, writing on July 21, 2014| 15 Comments »
But, I don’t see it.
Posted in comedian, comic, family, humor, sarcasm, Uncategorized, Writing, tagged author, comedian, comedy, comic, family, fantasy, food, funny, humor, humour, job, life, paranormal, work, writer, writing on July 16, 2014| 54 Comments »
I was in an accident yesterday and hurt my side. If I turn the wrong way, I feel like I can’t breath. When asked, the doctor suggested that I not wear a bra for a while, YEAH BABY!
How to sum up the first day post accident?
The codeine’s … … … … … …
That pretty much says it.
Posted in art, comedian, comic, family, Fantasy/Scifi, humor, Personal, Writing, tagged author, comedian, comedy, comic, family, fantasy, food, funny, humor, job, life, paranormal, work, writer, writing on July 5, 2014| 49 Comments »
In fifth grade English, Mrs. Barnett use to give us a picture from a magazine and had us write a story about it. To this day, I still find this fun. Person, place or thing, what’s the rest of the story?
Is she good or is she bad? Was she jilted on her wedding day? There are no rules, whatever you think is the right answer.
Shall we play?
I was told I’m evil, a child of the dark. The light say I may be innocent now, but eventually I will kill and destroy just as my ancestors have done.
Until a few months ago, I thought there were only humans and I was one of them. I didn’t even know fae existed, light or dark. Now I’m hunted, already judged and sentenced because of what, not who I am.
I’m one of the last dark fae. I can’t let them execute me. But if I fight the light, will I fulfill my dark destiny?
What’s her story? Tell us your version.
Posted in comedian, comic, family, humor, Personal, Random, sarcasm, Writing, tagged author, comedian, comedy, comic, family, fantasy, food, funny, homour. job, humor, life paranormal, romance, work, writer, writing on June 27, 2014| 50 Comments »
I’ve been playing around with the length of my blog posts. I usually write short posts. I tried creating longer posts.
My last post was about fake cowboys. It was the long version. Here is the shorter version.
You Call Yourself A Cowboy?
Here’s my message to a couple of guys on my flight back to Texas.
If you paint your boots with puffy paint, you are not a cowboy. If you bedazzle your belt to match your puffy painted boots, maybe you best stay home.
If you have bling on your jeans, skip the rodeo. If you need to tie your hat on, don’t wear it.
A real cowboy fills his jeans with an air of freedom and a bit of wilderness. He strides confidently in worn boots. More often then not, there’s a little stubble on his chin.
He doesn’t bedazzle or puffy paint anything. He tips his hat to the passing ladies, no strings necessary.
I loves me a cowboy. All pretenders need not apply.
So which do you prefer, this post or the next?
Posted in comedian, comic, family, Fantasy/Scifi, humor, Personal, Writing, tagged author, comedian, comic, entertainment, family, fantasy, funny, humor, job, life, paranormal, travel, work, writing on June 23, 2014| 46 Comments »
The airplane was so tiny, it could be called a sardine can. my fourteen inch wide carry-on was banging against the seats as I dragged it behind me. I had become intimate with the two seat on the left, one on the right commuter plane. Even at my diminutive height of five foot two, I managed to smack my head on an over head bin. Up until now, all super small planes I’d flown on were short and wide, not super narrow.
This must be how sailor a submarine feel. I do loves me a man in a sailor uniform. But that’s another story.
As I was fighting with my recalcitrant case, banging along after me. A ray of hope entered the darkness. A cowboy booted foot protruding out in the isle. A cowboy, too tall for his seat. Cowboys always offer help to a woman in distress.
As I slugged closer to immediate help, I notice a harlequin pattern painted on the boot. My stomach began to sink. When I got close enough to realize it was puffy paint, my stomach hit bottom. And not just puffy paint, he had bedazzled his belt to match his boots. This was no cowboy, it was a fauwboy (a faux cowboy).
He didn’t offer to help me with my case. He didn’t even look me in the eye.
Hot and sweaty, struggling down the isle I continued. Then I saw another ray of hope, a cowboy hat way in the back, near my seat. In the row so far back, if they’d have to strap me in the toilet to get me any closer to the rear of the plane.
My seat was finally in reach. Someone would help me heft my case into the overhead bin. I turned with a forlorn look of desperation. His hat was tied to his head with strings. STRINGS TYING ON HIS HAT. This was no cowboy.
Cowboys do not paint their boots, bedazzle their belts, or need to tie their hats on. Cowboys wear worn boots, real leather, silver belt buckles, jeans without bling and finally, cowboys know how to treat women like ladies.
This is why I loves me a cowboy.
And a sailor
Any man in military uniform.
Firemen.
Texas Ranger, which goes without saying.
And …
Posted in comedian, comic, family, humor, Personal, Writing, tagged author, comedian, comic, entertainment, family, fantasy, funny, humor, job, life, paranormal, travel, work, writer, writing on May 30, 2014| 18 Comments »
I’ve managed to break another tablet. I mention this since it has been a while since I’ve posted. I travel during the week and use my tablet to stay connected. I managed to break this tablet, by plugging my cell phone charger into my tablet. Not that this had any thing to do with drinking whiskey straight. It happened during the airport apocalypse. I can assure you there was no whiskey involved in that incident though I think it couldn’t have hurt.
I stay at a hotel in Sioux Falls with a secret club on the ninth floor. You have to know about it and then beg and whine to get access. Since I’m a superb whiner, I was granted access the second night. Persistence, squeaky wheel, you know the drill…
I was given a key card to swipe on the reader in the elevator. This allows you to reach the hitherto inaccessible ninth floor run by Charlie, a lovely older lady. Charlie’s an interesting character. She use to be a manager with the hotel before she had a brain aneurysm. She has some memory related issues but other than that, she’s in tiptop shape.
At this point, you’re thinking where does the whiskey come in. The attraction of the secret club is an open bar and free food. They serve an entree and what I call bits and pieces, cheese, nuts, shrimp and the like. And did I mention the open bar is free. The Ninth Floor began to remind me of gangster movie, which led to drinking liquor straight.
I would step up to Charlie’s bar and say, “Whiskey, straight.”
Her brows would wrinkle and she would say, “Really?”
I replied, “Yeah.” Like a gansta says yeah.
She would shake her head like we hadn’t been through this the night before and pour the cocktail. I grabbed it, downed it and slammed the glass back down. The mostly male audience was impressed. And I would go about my evening.
Recently I went in for a checkup. My doctor is a tiny thing, even shorter than my five foot two self. This doctor makes grown men quake, even other doctors.
I have a policy “Be bad, but don’t lie about it.” So when she asked, You’re a moderate drinker, right?
I replied, “Yeah, mostly. Except for the whiskey, straight, only one, a night.”
She stopped and turned. I’m sure she assumed I would have a different answer.
“What you mean?” she asked, looking at me over her glasses.
“I found this club. The drinks are free. One thing leads to another. You know.”
The diminutive doctor comes over. Patting my arm she said, “Just because it’s free, doesn’t mean we want it.”
Now when a bartender asks me, “Want something to drink?”
I replied, “Nah, my doctor told me to stop drinking whiskey straight.”
Which gets about the same reaction as drinking whiskey straight.
Posted in comedian, comic, family, humor, short story, Uncategorized, Writing, tagged comedian, comedy, comic, family, funny, humor, humour, life, work on April 28, 2014| 12 Comments »
One of my colleagues keeps swearing a guy is stalking her. We both travel to Sioux Falls, but we arrive at different times. She gets in late Sunday evening and I arrive late Monday night. She says this guy’s always at the airport in a green and white van. He always slows down and asks her if she wants a ride. She always says no and catches a cab.
Tonight we’re arriving at about the same time. I’ll put an end to this tonight. To be continued…
Posted in comedian, comic, family, humor, short story, Uncategorized, Writing, tagged author, comedian, comedy, comic, family, fantasy, funny, humor, humour, job, laugh, life, paranormal, writer, writing on March 18, 2014| 38 Comments »
I started a new job a week ago. Tuesday was my first day.
Tuesday: I’ve received twenty-five documents to read today. And I don’t have a computer yet. I’ll be traveling a lot, so they’re sending a laptop. Yeah!
Wednesday: All of the documents I received are from 2010-2012. I think they might be outdated. Also they’re all about different subjects and there’s nothing to connect them. I’m going to keep plugging along, it’ll make sense soon. P.S. Didn’t get the computer today. 😦
Thursday: I’ve received a task to complete by Monday. They documents I have are definitely outdated. I don’t have access to the company’s library. Did I mention I didn’t get my laptop today?
Friday: I received my laptop. Yeah! 🙂 I got someone to send me a couple of documents about my assignment to write about something I don’t know anything about yet.
Saturday: Trying to catch up today. I don’t have access yet. I talked to IT, they said the forms haven’t been signed. So I can’t login. In the meantime, people are sending me emails to a box I can’t access. Great. 😦
Sunday: Ok, I bit the bullet and just started writing about what little crap I have.
Monday: I sent out my crap for review. I don’t know if it was a test or hazing, but at least I have a draft. I’m sure I’m receiving lots of informative email messages in the box I can’t open. On a side note – I received a call from 1989. They want their computer back.
Tuesday Morning: Got back comment from the crap I wrote, not too bad. I have several meetings online.
Tuesday Afternoon: I attended this morning’s meetings. Still don’t know crap and can’t access crap. Some people sent me more bits and pieces of their favorite crap to my personal email account. Nothing to tie it all together. When I ask questions, I’m told to look in the documents from 2010. With a warning, these documents need to be updated. They’re three years old. Oh crap.
They’re sending me to the corporate offices tomorrow way up in freezing land. It’s thirty degrees there. I live in a desert, I don’t have a coat. Super crap.
So to summarize, I’m going to the mother ship in the frozen tundra without a coat. I don’t know crap about crap. I have meetings all day about crap, but it’s not related to the crap I’m supposed to finish by Friday.
I think that pretty much summarizes new jobs, everything’s crap for a while.
P.S. My laptop times out when I open emails. I think it might be crap.
Posted in Uncategorized, tagged author, comedian, comedy, comic, family, fantasy, funny, humor, humour, job, laugh, life, paranormal, writer, writing on March 17, 2014| 15 Comments »
I was about ten when my Grams introduced me to road rage. We were having a nice leisurely drive through the small town she lived in. A woman came up behind us and started honking. Now this was a large road with three lanes and only two cars on the road, hers and Grams’.
She continued honking for a while before Grams changed lanes. The young little twit didn’t know what she was in for. My Grams got right behind her and began honking, nonstop. She was laughing gleefully, not unlike a crazy witch on speed. This continued quite a while. We followed that pour woman into the parking lot. When she got out of her car, my Grams rolled down her window shook her fist and roared off.
Posted in Uncategorized, tagged author, comedian, comedy, comic, family, fantasy, funny, humor, humour, job, laugh, life, paranormal, writer, writing on March 13, 2014| 18 Comments »
Now that I’m employed I was thinking about getting some help. Perhaps there is some young bright eyed bushy tailed college student aspiring to a future in the personal assistant industry. Is that an industry? Whatever. I’m willing to gift that experience.
Here’s my intern daydream –
Intern: Good Morning, Miss A. Here’s your breakfast.
I sit up in bed, removing my sleeping mask, which I don’t have.
Me: Thank you, Peggy Sue.
Intern: That’s not my name.
Me : I don’t have time for this. Add learning your name to my calendar.
Intern: I’ve scheduled it for this afternoon.
DAY PROGRESSES
Intern leaving for the evening: I’ve sorted through your emails; processed the request for appearances, Yes to Oprah, no to Nolan; created a cover for your book; sent your sisters birthday gifts; made your bed and finished your laundry.
Me: I love you Peggy Sue.
Intern: My name’s not Peggy Sue.
Me: Add a reminder to learn your name to my calendar.
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