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Posts Tagged ‘family. job’

The Pistol at a Funeral

Posted in art, children, comedian, comic, entertainment, family, fantasy, Fiction, flash fiction, humor, life, literature, love, nephew, Personal, photography, sarcasm, short story, the pistol, Uncategorized, writer, Writing, tagged , , , , , , , , , , on September 2, 2016| 14 Comments »


photo_zps39f3d4ee

Some of you may remember my young nephew the Pistol. His one and only Grandpa died. Now the Pistol and one of his cousins Katie are the youngest of their siblings. The other kids are teenagers.

The main service was over and family members were coming forward to relate their stories. The adults went first followed by the teens. No one thought about the five year olds. In awesome Pistol style, my little nephew stood up and loudly announced, “I have something to say.”

The Pistol climbed the steps up front. And he began.

“Grampa won’t be able to give Katie rides on the tractor anymore, because … well … he’s dead. And now I would like to sing God Bless America.”  At which point, he began belting it out. The audience rose and joined him.

It was a lovely way to end a funeral. Pistol, you’re awesome

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I Don’t Need You to Scare Me, I Scare Myself

Posted in anxiety, art, books, entertainment, family, fantasy, Fiction, flash fiction, humor, life, literature, Personal, Random, sarcasm, writer, Writing, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , on August 23, 2016| 30 Comments »


I’ve been a bit under the weather. The doctor prescribed me a cough medicine with codeine.

Wrapped in a warm blanket snuggle into the depths of the sofa, the darkness had settled and with it a drowsy drugged feeling. I hadn’t coughed in almost an hour.

The light from the television pushing just enough light into the room to make out the patches on Grandma’s old quilt.

Soft elevator music played in the background while a man in the lobby of a large office building buffed the floor. A comforting fog moved into my mind.

What was the name of this movie? My mind drifted like a cloud.

A deafening crash echoed through the room as a body slams on top of a truck on the screen in front of me.

My chest was heaving my body tense, I was hardly able to process what just happened. I looked around at the people watching TV with me. They were staring at me with open mouthed amazement.

“Did I scream out loud?”

“Yeah,” my roomie replied.

I screamed like I have never screamed before. Hollywood pays people for this kind of high pitched, gut wrenching scream of terror. I tell you this so that you may learn a lesson from it. If you are taking cough medicine with codeine, do not watch a movie called Devil. I had to pray myself to sleep last night.

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Hotel Amnesia

Posted in art, chick lit, comedian, comic, entertainment, family, fantasy, Fiction, flash fiction, humor, life, sarcasm, short story, travel, writer, Writing, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , on August 2, 2016| 9 Comments »


My head was thumping. I was having trouble thinking.

Oh God!

I shot straight up, realizing the lump in the bed next to me was alive and possibly awake. A sliver of light broke through the darkened hotel room.

Minutes ticked by while my mind raced to remember.

Why was I in a hotel room? Convention, yeah, we were at a convention. Who was we? Me and my three closest friends.

A late night of shots and gambling left me hazy as to the details. The other three lumps began stirring. Three heads started popping up, then burrowing back into their pillows and back up again. If I had a mallet I could have played whack-a-mole.

I flipped on the lamp.

Holy mackerel!

I fell asleep with my friends in the room and woke up with three trolls instead. These women were able to completely change the shape and color of their features.

I have a heart-shaped birthmark on my cheek. I like to tell young tattooed people it started as a little heart by my eye. But by the time I’m eighty it’ll have fallen to my boob and look like an arrow pointing straight to hell.  I digress.

That mark is always there no matter how much stuff I try to cover it with.  I feel like a throw back to the Jurassic period.

I was on my knees praying to Maybelline to save me.

Holy Sephora! How’d they do that Cover Girl?

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Voice of the Universe

Posted in Fantasy/Scifi, Random, Writing, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , on July 12, 2016| 42 Comments »


magic cat

I have an idea for a story where the voice of the universe talks to a guy through his toilet. So what kind of guy would hear voices from the toilet —

I’m sitting here waiting in a cafe because the voice of the universe spoke to me through my toilet. I know, it sounds crazy.

My name? Now that’s a story. My father was a hippie. My mother was Native American, Comanche actually. When my mother was pregnant with me, they went to the medicine woman, who told them they must name me after the place where I would be born.

They planned to be in Phoenix, Arizona when I was born. I was going to be named Phoenix Arizona, kinda cool. Instead, when my Mom was seven months pregnant, they decided to go to a peace march in Washington. I was born in Washington, DC. So my name? It’s District of Columbia, District of Columbia Campbell or DC for short.

I’d like to think my parents were dropping acid, smoking a little too much ganja, or at least on a three day bender, but  they say they were high on love.

She also told them I was twins, girls, but they didn’t think to ignore her just because she was wrong on number and sex. No, they followed her instructions to a T. I’d like to kick the ass of a medicine woman about now.

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How My Sister Became a Cannibal

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 20, 2016| 52 Comments »


winter princess woman

My Grandmother wanted her ashes spread over a field of blue bonnets. So after she was cremated, we set out to find the perfect place. It became somewhat of a contest.

I have four sisters and two brothers. Cell phones at the ready, we all set out like it was some kind of race to find the perfect place. Pictures flew of green fields with a smattering of blue. None were considered worthy of Grams.

The hunt continued some good contenders were found, but nothing quite right. One of my brothers even submitted a dense patch of blue in the median somewhere along highway 67. Be real Bro. Who wants to visit Grams along a busy stretch of country highway?

Finally, one of my over achieving sisters found a rolling patch of blue leading down to a lake. (I say she’s over achieving mostly because I didn’t find it myself.)

And so we scheduled a lovely morning to say farewell to Grams. I met my sister, the over achiever to car pool. Someone thought it would be a good idea to take handfuls of her and spread her around thinking good thoughts.

Midway through I realized how disgusting this was. That was about the time the wind picked up. Grandma blew back in my face and I choked on her.

On our way home, my sisters wanted to go through a drive through and pick up a burger.

I said, “I have to go in. I have Grandma all over my hands and steering wheel.”

My sister start to laugh.

I took one look at her and said, “You have a smudge of Grandma on your teeth.”

I don’t know how many time I’ve told my sister to keep her mouth shut. She never listens. I think this makes her a cannibal.

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More Fun with Bosses

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 28, 2014| 21 Comments »


I’ve had a couple of bosses who were able to appreciate my sense of humor.

I was working on a project with about 75 people, 60 of whom were vegetarians. We were working particularly late one night, so a manager, lets call him Randall, ordered pizzas for everyone.

When the smell of Italian seasoning and bread filled my cube, I meandered on down to the conference room of delicious goodness.

The table was loaded with pizza of every description: salami, sausage, pepperoni, and so on. Until we got to the last two pizzas which were vegetarian. I stood there by Randall observing the luscious display.

I said, “Next time you should get more vegetarian. You know almost everyone’s a vegetarian.”

He said, “I did.”

“I only see two.”

“There’s those mushroom, onion, and bacon pizzas.”

I waited.

“Oh crap, bacon.You must think I’m an idiot.”

“No, I prefer special.”

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Live, Laugh, Love … Seriously

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , on February 27, 2014| 18 Comments »


If you’ve come to this blog looking for the book Live, Laugh, Love, move along. Don’t read any further, nothing to see here.

This blog is Scream, Cry, Jump Up and Down with a Little PMS and Lots of Alcohol thrown in. My furnace is broken. It was 18F. And my space heater broke. Argh, I may not get out of bed until spring.

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My Favorite Bosses – Count Down

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 25, 2014| 22 Comments »


I have several bosses that I loved working for. The most fun are the ones who play along with my insanity. One of my bosses moved to France and I miss her horribly. Her name was Elizabeth, so I called her Lizardibreath to her face. And behind her back.

There was a particular incident that demonstrates our relationship.

I was having  lunch at my desk: burger, fries, a packet of salt and of course a diet soda.  

Lizard-breath came stomping around the corner. We could all hear her coming. The click, click of her high heels running through the isle ways made grown men cringe.

“I need you to …”

I held up my hand for her to stop, opened the packet of salt and sprinkled it in a circle around my chair. “Ok, now what?” I asked.

She responded without skipping a beat. “I’m not a witch, I’m a vampire. I need you to ….”

“Damn it, I forgot the garlic salt.”

“Go through the clients records and …”

She was always up for the game. I really miss Lizard-breath. She just had to move to France. How insensitive can one person be?

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Roast Squirrels Recipe – I’m a Foodie Today

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 24, 2014| 25 Comments »


I have a whole shelf full of recipes from my ancestors, some of which are really great. Others are a bit odd. Someone has included notes on how to buy meat from the butcher. That tells you where most of the meat came from.

I’m not going to tell you how to make a crown roast out of hotdogs. I’ll save that for another day. Today is squirrel roasting day. Getting gigglie yet?

For this recipe you’ll need 3 small squirrels (so send a boy out with a good BB gun, they’ll generally drag you back a couple).

You’ll also need cooking oil, (We’re getting fancy now, usually it just lard or grease.) lemon juice, bread crumbs, milk, (Use cream if you’re having the preacher over.) mushrooms, salt, pepper, onion juice, (There aren’t instructions for juicing an onion, hum.) and bacon fat (My Gramm’s didn’t fail me. She says, “There’s no substitute for bacon lard.”)

I think it goes without saying but just in case dress, clean and wash the critters before you start. Marinade the meat with oil and lemon juice for at least 1 hour. Yum-Yum sounding good already, doesn’t it?

Stuff the squirrels with everything else. Sew it up, truss it and roast. Brush it with the bacon fat every 15 minutes. Serve it up with some pan gravy. And there you have it.

Ah heck, I should’ve put this recipe out for Thanksgiving. I apologize.

P.S If you don’t know who to dress and clean a squirrel, I’ll include that in the Braised Moose recipe. I’ll try to get to it before Easter.

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Abbie, You Are a Big, Fat Liar

Posted in art, comic, family, humor, Personal, Random, sarcasm, Uncategorized, Writing, tagged , , , , , , , , , , on February 22, 2014| 20 Comments »


Dear Abbie,

I know you must work at Careerbuilder, because your emails end with their name. You send me emails almost everyday. Always with the same subject XYZ Company is interested in you.

I fell for it the first couple of times. I mean who wouldn’t. You work at a large employment site which I regularly use. I figure you have the inside scoop and have found me <blank> (charming, pathetic, funny, sad, annoying, add your own).

I thought perhaps these companies are really shy, like back in grade school and wanted you to slip me a little note. “We like you, do you like us, check yes or no.” I went directly to the company and said, “Yes, I like you and would love to go steady.”

However… Not only did they not send the note, they had never heard of me. And when they had they were nice enough. “We’re sure you’re a really nice person (call security we’ve got a live one.), but we’re already going steady and we really like him… a lot.”

How humiliating.

You’re on notice Abbie. I’m hip to you and your funny hijinks. So when you get an email telling you some awesome company wants to go steady with you, remember I’ve got my eye on you.

Dee

P.S. Am I still your friend? Check Yes or No. NO big fat NNNNNOOOOOO!

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