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109

Jim was a nuclear physicist, a brilliant man. Much to his own detriment, he didn’t know when to stop thinking.

He had been through a series of interviews. The job was basically his. All he had to do was pass a drug screening. I don’t know if they said drug test or not. I’m assuming not, they must have been vague.

The company had an on-site clinic where the test was performed.

So, Jim comes toddling in. The tech hands him a cup and tells him to return the sample to her desk.

Does Jim think “They want to see if I use drugs.”?

No.

He thinks “It’s a nuclear facility. They want to take a baseline reading now so they can measure the affects of potential radiation exposure over time.”

So instead of urine, he gives them a sperm sample. He is still trying to figure out why he didn’t get the job.

Can you imagine the technician’s reaction when a cup of sperm lands on her desk?

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67

Do you ever have thoughts that you wish you didn’t have? Like maybe this one.

In my imagination, I’m hanging out with a couple of friends. We’ve been drinking wine, laughing, and listening to music.

When someone says, “I found this old porn in my Mom’s closet. It’s so bad, it’s hysterical.”

She puts it on. The hair is plastered with hair spray and way too tall. You all laugh.

A guys come on screen and someone says, “Hey he’s not bad looking.”

“Yeah,” you agree, “he actually pretty hot.”

Another friend with a fist full of popcorn says, “That looks like your Dad.”

“No,” you insist shocked and a bit disgusted, “that guy is hot. I’d go out with him. He doesn’t look anything like my Dad.”

One of your other friends chimes in, “He really does look like your Dad around the eyes and that nose.”

Then he does something so quintessentially “your” Dad and you know that IS your Dad. You’re watching a porn starring your Dad.

The screams of horror are echoing through my head as I type.

So you’re pissed because you have to live with that image for the rest of your life and you want to confront your Dad, but you’re not sure how that’s going to work.

You start the conversation with something like, “What the H-E- double toothpicks is wrong with you? A porn?”

“You’ve been watching porn,” your Dad counters.

“You were in it.”

Your Mom interrupts, “Do not yell at your Father.”

“Mom, did you know Dad was in a porn?”

And she replies, “Well yes, dear that’s how we met.”

And that’s why I try not to think.

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243

My dog has super powers.

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297

Can you scoot over a bit?

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61

Police escort for zebra.

That picture has nothing to do with my post. I just like it.

While I was fooling around today (I’m not working until Wednesday), I was singing Popeye the Sailor Man to myself. I had a realization. (And myself is very fond of that song.) On to the realization

I always thought this song was propaganda deployed by my Mother to get me to eat spinach. Then I got to the verse “Popeye the sailor man lives in the garbage can.” Wow, what’s up with that? I never thought about his super humble abode. I think the subliminal message communicated here does not match the intended propaganda.

I can’t remember a time in which I wanted to live in a garbage can. As a matter of fact the only person I knew who lived in a garbage can was The Grouch over on Sesame Street. He was never happy, so I’m thinking living in a garbage can is less than ideal.

Now I’m thinking this message may have been holding me back. Did my parents inadvertently set my career on a less than desirable path? Am I perchance sabotaging myself?

Does anyone know a career positive song that might reprogram my garbage can size goals?

Mental check: +3.5 on positive side (5 being max)

Feet cold

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243

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119 b

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35 (11)

You know you’re not supposed to play in the laundry.

Can’t get out, can you?

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90 (4)

Dear Kitten,

My paintbrushes are not kitty chew toys. Please stop taking them from the jar on my desk.

Dear Kitten,

Please stop lying on my freshly painted work. I know “up” is your favorite place. But I put them “up” high so you wouldn’t get to them.

Dear Kitten,

Though the paints are nontoxic, I don’t think you should drink the rinse water. Does it really taste that great?

Dear Kitten,

When I went to answer the phone that was not permission for you to walk on my stamp pad and then across my desk.

Dear Kitten,

When I woke up this morning and you were sleeping with your head on the pillow next to mine, I forgot all the annoying things you did yesterday.

 

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21 (11)

I loves me a cowboy.

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