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Posts Tagged ‘paranormal’

My Traveling Panties, Back On The Road. Again

Posted in comedian, comic, family, humor, Uncategorized, Writing, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 25, 2014| 12 Comments »


I’m in South Dakota – forgot my hat, gloves, and scarf. I don’t own a coat and am recalcitrant towards the idea of buying one. And it’s freaking cold.

One guy went ice fishing. I said me too in freezer section at my grocery store. And my fish were in the form of sticks, beat that.

Downstairs they’re holding the South Dakota Dairy Princess competition.  It’s a cross between Amish mafia and duck dynasty with a little children of the corn. You can see why I’ve retreated to my room. These people have some serious game faces.

So long from the frozen tundra. Here’s wishing me spring.

So, I’m back on the road again.

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I’m in the Crap Business

Posted in comedian, comic, family, humor, short story, Uncategorized, Writing, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 18, 2014| 38 Comments »


I started a new job a week ago. Tuesday was my first day.

Tuesday: I’ve received twenty-five documents to read today. And I don’t have a computer yet. I’ll be traveling a lot, so they’re sending a laptop. Yeah!

Wednesday: All of the documents I received are from 2010-2012. I think they might be outdated. Also they’re all about different subjects and there’s nothing to connect them. I’m going to keep plugging along, it’ll make sense soon. P.S. Didn’t get the computer today. 😦

Thursday: I’ve received a task to complete by Monday. They documents I have are definitely outdated. I don’t have access to the company’s library. Did I mention I didn’t get my laptop today?

Friday: I received my laptop. Yeah! 🙂 I got someone to send me a couple of documents about my assignment to write about something I don’t know anything about yet.

Saturday: Trying to catch up today. I don’t have access yet. I talked to IT, they said the forms haven’t been signed. So I can’t login. In the meantime, people are sending me emails to a box I can’t access. Great. 😦

Sunday: Ok, I bit the bullet and just started writing about what little crap I have.

Monday: I sent out my crap for review. I don’t know if it was a test or hazing, but at least I have a draft. I’m sure I’m receiving lots of informative email messages in the box I can’t open. On a side note – I received a call from 1989. They want their computer back.

Tuesday Morning: Got back comment from the crap I wrote, not too bad. I have several meetings online.

Tuesday Afternoon: I attended this morning’s meetings. Still don’t know crap and can’t access crap. Some people sent me more bits and pieces of their favorite crap to my personal email account. Nothing to tie it all together. When I ask questions, I’m told to look in the documents from 2010. With a warning, these documents need to be updated. They’re three years old. Oh crap.

They’re sending me to the corporate offices tomorrow way up in freezing land. It’s thirty degrees there. I live in a desert, I don’t have a coat. Super crap.

So to summarize, I’m going to the mother ship in the frozen tundra without a coat. I don’t know crap about crap. I have meetings all day about crap, but it’s not related to the crap I’m supposed to finish by Friday.

I think that pretty much summarizes new jobs, everything’s crap for a while.

P.S. My laptop times out when I open emails. I think it might be crap.

 

 

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My Grams Invented Road Rage

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 17, 2014| 15 Comments »


I was about ten when my Grams introduced me to road rage. We were having a nice leisurely drive through the small town she lived in. A woman came up behind us and started honking.  Now this was a large road with three lanes and only two cars on the road, hers and Grams’.

She continued honking for a while before Grams changed lanes. The young little twit didn’t know what she was in for. My Grams got right behind her and began honking, nonstop. She was laughing gleefully, not unlike a crazy witch on speed. This continued quite a while. We followed that pour woman into the parking lot.  When she got out of her car, my Grams rolled down her window shook her fist and roared off.

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Have You Ever Made an Intern Do Your Laundry?

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 13, 2014| 18 Comments »


Now that I’m employed I was thinking about getting some help. Perhaps there is some young bright eyed bushy tailed college student aspiring to a future in the personal assistant industry.  Is that an industry? Whatever. I’m willing to gift that experience.
Here’s my intern daydream –
Intern: Good Morning, Miss A. Here’s your breakfast.
I sit up in bed, removing my sleeping mask, which I don’t have.
Me: Thank you, Peggy Sue.
Intern: That’s not my name.
Me : I don’t have time for this. Add learning your name to my calendar.
Intern: I’ve scheduled it for this afternoon.
DAY PROGRESSES
Intern leaving for the evening: I’ve sorted through your emails; processed the request for appearances, Yes to Oprah, no to Nolan; created a cover for your book; sent your sisters birthday gifts; made your bed and finished your laundry.
Me: I love you Peggy Sue.
Intern: My name’s not Peggy Sue.
Me: Add a reminder to learn your name to my calendar.

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Blog Characters Begging for Their Own Story

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 11, 2014| 22 Comments »


I’ve blogged about people I’ve known at various times in my life. Last night I had a dream where almost everyone of them lived in a small town together.

There was Maybelle, my ex-bosses, my sisters, the pistol and his family, etc. Plus a man who came into the local dinner naked. I didn’t write about him, he just invaded my dream without his pants. And not in a good way.

Would anyone be interested in reading about these characters and their fictional adventures? Let me know your thoughts.

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YEA BABY!!!!! (Not a real baby.)

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 7, 2014| 25 Comments »


Hey everyone,

Sorry I neglected you for the past couple of days. When I left you, I was given a kind of offer, nothing in writing. For the rest of the week I have been having multiple interviews per day, gather work samples and creating samples for things I didn’t have.

Finally, late this afternoon, after the third interview of the day, I got a solid offer. It came after I interviewed with the Vice President who said, “Now that’s someone I can have a drink with.”

I start on Tuesday and will be in Texas next week and Sioux Falls every other week after that. Thank you for your encouragement and well wishes.

Now I’m off to watch trashy TV – an entire season of Amish Mafia. I love that infighting.

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My Favorite Bosses – Count Down

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 25, 2014| 22 Comments »


I have several bosses that I loved working for. The most fun are the ones who play along with my insanity. One of my bosses moved to France and I miss her horribly. Her name was Elizabeth, so I called her Lizardibreath to her face. And behind her back.

There was a particular incident that demonstrates our relationship.

I was having  lunch at my desk: burger, fries, a packet of salt and of course a diet soda.  

Lizard-breath came stomping around the corner. We could all hear her coming. The click, click of her high heels running through the isle ways made grown men cringe.

“I need you to …”

I held up my hand for her to stop, opened the packet of salt and sprinkled it in a circle around my chair. “Ok, now what?” I asked.

She responded without skipping a beat. “I’m not a witch, I’m a vampire. I need you to ….”

“Damn it, I forgot the garlic salt.”

“Go through the clients records and …”

She was always up for the game. I really miss Lizard-breath. She just had to move to France. How insensitive can one person be?

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Remember Maybelle, Not of the Ice Cream Fame, the Rubbers Fame

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 20, 2014| 9 Comments »


Maybelle collected butterflies (warning if you have a pet butterfly, stop reading). She had a lovely collection on the wall behind her desk, close to thirty.

The collection was so varied no two were the same colors.

It was a lovely day in spring.

One day I was asking her a question, “When are we going to take the V22 out for a test run, I want to shot some missiles?” A breeze came through the open door on my right, bringing with it the smell of the Chesapeake Bay. Everything faded around me. I was hardly listening anymore.

“We don’t have any tests scheduled until next month…”

I was lost in early spring. Maybelle had added another butterfly to her collection. It was pale yellow with bright blue on the tail.

“… and we’re not testing missiles.”

Then the wing flipped. I jumped, blinking. That can’t be right. It’s wing flipped again.  Oh no.  It wasn’t still alive!

Oh yes it was. Maybelle had caught a butterfly at lunch and pinned it to the wall.

I never crossed Maybelle after that.  She was a butterfly hit man and I didn’t want her turning to humans.

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