What to do with your ex’s tattoo?
Posted in art, comedian, comic, entertainment, humor, life, photography, Uncategorized | Tagged funny | 13 Comments »
Posted in art, entertainment, family, humor, life, love, Personal, photography, sarcasm, sister, Uncategorized, writer, Writing | Tagged family | 14 Comments »
April
Uncertainty
April 1
I was cleaning off my desk. I wanted everything to be ready, just in case. There was a pile of self help books. All designed to help you figure out what you really want to do. I keep starting them, then tossing them aside. I’m not sure I ever really performed the exercises or answered the profound questions. Why do you need so many books to answer one simple question – “what should you do with your life”? I set them aside. Possible lymphoma the doctor had said. Perhaps, if she were right, I’d go through them during chemo.
I boxed up all my paints – oils, watercolors, pastels, stabilizers, thickeners, and brushes. I doubt I’ll be using them any time soon. Perhaps I should give them to some young artist, maybe the Allen boy. Art supplies are expensive and he’s in college. He’d appreciate them.
I found the paint set I got for my tenth birthday, tubes of acrylics in a little wooden box. There were plastic inserts used to mix the paints with just the right amount of water. I used these to create my first masterpiece of a horse, Old Billy, eating grass in front of the barn. The brushes are gone, the paints dried up and the plastic inserts have disintegrated, but I think I’ll keep them just the same.
I keep thinking about my mother, diagnosed with cancer at my age, dead two years later. But I don’t have to worry, I don’t have cancer.
I sorted through some old files and found sketches I’d made in high school. When I was young, I thought I’d be an artist, a painter. I’ve been painting and drawing for as long as I can remember. I don’t know what I’ll do with these old pictures, but I can’t throw them away.
When should I tell my family? My younger sister, Allie has depended on me since our parents died. I don’t want to worry her if it turns out to be nothing, but I don’t want to wait too long either. I just don’t want to worry anyone if I don’t have to.
For more in this story, select the Meet Me By the Gate tab at the top of the page.
Posted in anxiety, art, books, entertainment, family, Fiction, health, life, Personal, photography, short story, sister, Writing | Tagged Meet me by the Gate | 69 Comments »
“I want you to sit in on this conference call,” my boss said on my first day. “You don’t need to say anything just listen.”
Famous last words.
“I’m John,” my fellow coworker introduced himself as he dialed the conference number. “It’s just going to be you and me in here.” He continued.
The meeting started pleasant enough and then storm clouds began gathering on the horizon. (Figuratively, not literally.)
“Are you stupid?” a voice on the other end of the phone yelled at John, as he tried to explain the system limitations for the third time.
“The constraints of the hardware won’t allow for …” John said, before he was interrupted yet again.
“I don’t care about the hardware constraints, you idiot. Just make it work. I have no problem coming over there in person. … You are going to do it my way. If you weren’t such a stupid moron …”
After several minutes of this tirade, John quietly closed his computer, got up and walked out, leaving me sitting alone with the still screaming voice on the other end of the phone.
The yelling continued for another five minutes when the voice said, “Do you understand me, John?”
I took the phone off of mute. What should I say?
“Hi. My name’s Deidra. John had to leave a while ago. Something must have come up.”
Silence.
“It’s my first day, so I can’t really answer any questions. Do you need me to give John any messages?”
More silence.
“Okay, then well I look forward to working with you all. I guess the meeting is adjourned.”
I returned to my desk thinking, I am not in Kansas anymore Toto and the house missed the wicked witch of the west this time.
Posted in Uncategorized | 48 Comments »
Maybe we’ll think twice before getting another tattoo.
Posted in art, comedian, comic, humor, life, love, photography, Uncategorized | Tagged funny | 31 Comments »
I love paper – old books, pretty patterns, and foreign magazines. I rescue broken books and posters from the garbage heap. And then they’re all just here and I don’t do anything with them. Tonight I have the urge to rip them all apart; keep the best parts; shuffle them around; and bind them back together, making something different.
It’s this souped up hyper feeling and all I can think about is tearing into these books. It’s an itch you can’t scratch. Why can’t I get some obsessive urge to do something positive? Will I spend the next three days ripping up books to find myself surrounded by piles of paper?
Already I know this feeling will be followed by a round of anxiety and then exhausted depression. That part I’m afraid of. If I knew I would wind up with something; a great novel, a painting, or some break through research, I would plunge ahead, depression be damned.
Maybe just tonight under the cover of darkness I’ll free some pages from their old bindings. I’ll take my medicine and in the morning I’ll try to redirect myself in a positive direction.
Posted in anxiety, art, books, depression, entertainment, fantasy, Fantasy/Scifi, Fiction, free, life, literature, love, mental health, Personal, photography, sarcasm, short story, Uncategorized, writer, Writing | Tagged compulsions | 51 Comments »
Posted in animals, art, comedian, entertainment, humor, life, photography, sarcasm, Uncategorized, writer, Writing | Tagged animals | 12 Comments »
I have an idea for a story where the voice of the universe talks to a guy through his toilet. So what kind of guy would hear voices from the toilet —
I’m sitting here waiting in a cafe because the voice of the universe spoke to me through my toilet. I know, it sounds crazy.
My name? Now that’s a story. My father was a hippie. My mother was Native American, Comanche actually. When my mother was pregnant with me, they went to the medicine woman, who told them they must name me after the place where I would be born.
They planned to be in Phoenix, Arizona when I was born. I was going to be named Phoenix Arizona, kinda cool. Instead, when my Mom was seven months pregnant, they decided to go to a peace march in Washington. I was born in Washington, DC. So my name? It’s District of Columbia, District of Columbia Campbell or DC for short.
I’d like to think my parents were dropping acid, smoking a little too much ganja, or at least on a three day bender, but they say they were high on love.
She also told them I was twins, girls, but they didn’t think to ignore her just because she was wrong on number and sex. No, they followed her instructions to a T. I’d like to kick the ass of a medicine woman about now.
Posted in Fantasy/Scifi, Random, Writing | Tagged author, comedian, comedy, family. job, funny, humor, humour, job, laugh, life, writer, writing | 42 Comments »
My sister was tired of expensive cable bills, so she cancelled her cable.
Of course a cable company representative called to try and entice her back with a special offer. He asked, “I see you cancelled your cable service. May I ask why?”
I’m sure he expecting some reply like, ‘It’s too expensive’ or maybe ‘I don’t really watch it that much’.
Did my sister say one of these canned replies? No.
She said, “I canceled cable to get the devil out of my life.”
The voice on the other end of the phone was silent. That’s right, try to find a special offer for demonic possession. That story surely became call center legend.
Posted in anxiety, art, comedian, entertainment, family, humor, life, Personal, photography, sarcasm, television, Uncategorized, writer, Writing | Tagged funny | 54 Comments »
You know you’re not supposed to play in the laundry.
Can’t get out, can you?
Posted in animals, art, comedian, comic, entertainment, flash fiction, humor, life, Personal, photography, Random, sarcasm, short story, Uncategorized, writer, Writing | Tagged animals | 38 Comments »
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