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Archive for the ‘depression’ Category


99nnbI love paper – old books, pretty patterns, and foreign magazines. I rescue broken books and posters from the garbage heap. And then they’re all just here and I don’t do anything with them. Tonight I have the urge to rip them all apart; keep the best parts; shuffle them around; and bind them back together, making something different.

It’s this souped up hyper feeling and all I can think about is tearing into these books. It’s an itch you can’t scratch. Why can’t I get some obsessive urge to do something positive? Will I spend the next three days ripping up books to find myself surrounded by piles of paper?

Already I know this feeling will be followed by a round of anxiety and then exhausted depression. That part I’m afraid of. If I knew I would wind up with something; a great novel, a painting, or some break through research, I would plunge ahead, depression be damned.

Maybe just tonight under the cover of darkness I’ll free some pages from their old bindings. I’ll take my medicine and in the morning I’ll try to redirect myself in a positive direction.

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green jewel

Shapeless lumps of teeth and flesh surround me, clawing and biting at my arms. Their talons are careful not to tear the green, Grecian gown I wear. Together we rise slowly from the pit.

A great flash of light.

I drop to a crouch, hugging my knees to my chest. The creatures ignite falling in columns of ash around me.

I wake to blazing lights cutting across the sky, punctuated by a barrage of thunder. The storm rages outside and I am sweat drenched in bed.

If I could paint the images in my head. The cavernous hall, filled with sights and words I cannot banish. I try to chase the ravens from my window sill, but they always return wanting more.

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Last night I made myself lie down and close my eyes.

These last few weeks I haven’t thought about sleep until the sun is coming up. I don’t want to stop to think, not even for sleep. Keep your mind busy.

Play another game.

Watch another show.

What’s on YouTube?

Read the news.

Who’s killing who?

Has Greece sunk beneath the sea of it’s debt yet.

Wait for exhaustion.

When the light starts to peek through the trees. I know I won’t have to think when I finally stop to sleep.

Instead, tonight I lay in the dark, my jaw stiff. Listening to my teeth grinding. I dreamed of a debate about an illness sweeping the world. We had the cure. It could be sprayed in the air and we would all be saved. But there was an insane deliberation about harming the environment. We could save everyone but did nothing instead.

I feel better today. I’ll exercise and shower. I’m going to get back to good someday soon. I hope I can find the right road.

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I woke up this morning, my head is pounding and all I can think is I’m going to die. I must have been clinching my jaws, neck and shoulders.  I’ve been off my routine since I got back from seeing the ex. It’s hard to keep up this game – exercise, food, schedule, medication. Why is happiness so difficult?

I knew last night when I went to bed I was going to smother in my sleep. I was 100% positive and I went to sleep anyway. I’m going to be dead in the next few days, I can feel it.

There’s another bit of my mind that knows it isn’t true. “You’re off your meds. Just get back on your routine.” My face aches, my head is pounding and I just don’t do it.

Dead in days, dead in days. It keeps echoing in the silence. That chant and the whirring of the ceiling fan, it’s all I hear.

I’m off my routine. I know I should get up and start. Get up. NOW! GET UP! But I keep staring at the ceiling.

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It is February and I didn’t make a New Year’s Resolution, mainly because I know I don’t keep them. I’m feeling the need to be honest, to tell the truth.

I started this blog years ago telling stories mostly of my life and my people. My sense of humor was on display. If I’m truthful I’m avoiding telling you my secret.

It’s easy to say in private. You can just blurt it out. But in public, I keep thinking of the proper explanation or wrapper. I’m forgoing all of that before I put everyone to sleep.

I have depression, anxiety and obsessive compulsiveness. I take medication for all of it. I don’t like saying I’m depressed, anxious, or obsessive compulsive. I’m not a cold when I’m sick so I don’t think I should have to be my chemical imbalance.

I play with my medication, sometimes on purpose, most of the time on accident. One of my medications keeps me from obsessing. It’s either on or off. I think some obsession is good, so it’s one of the medications I play with most often.

This was as I mentioned before a blog of humor, but I can’t see things as funny everyday or even every week. I’m often struck with what I call the feeling of impending doom. It’s like waiting for an emotional apocalypse that doesn’t come.

I slept for eight hours last night which is the first time in several weeks so I feel good. I dare say maybe even happy. I still don’t feel funny today, but happy is enough.

(I’m not going to say I’ll write more often. That is a promise I think we all know I can’t keep. But I’ll try for a while.)

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