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Archive for the ‘Random’ Category

Whittling Down the Bucket List

Posted in comedian, comic, Random, sarcasm, Uncategorized, Writing, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 27, 2014| 4 Comments »


ny foodcart

Bucket List #483 Eat off of Food Cart

I never really thought I would mark number 483 off of my bucket list, but I did and lived to tell the tale. I’ve wanted to try a food cart munchies for a long time. They don’t have this type of thing in my neck of the woods. I saw a cart yesterday morning and decided to live dangerously. It was just breakfast but still baby steps. Who knows what daring thing I might try next.

I haven’t mentioned the plane ride. It was a proper size plane, three seats on each side. I of course was stuck in the middle. It was a newer plane with drop down TVs and an in-flight movie.

I noticed a safety hazard that should be reported to the FAA. We were packed so tight you couldn’t fart. I’m serious this is both a personal health hazard and a safety concern. Imagine … The flight has ended. Everyone jumps up simultaneously and boom fart gas erupts under high pressure. Then the windows blow out.

 

I’m telling you, it could happen. 

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New York, New York

Posted in comedian, comic, family, humor, My Writing Updates, Personal, Random, sarcasm, short story, Uncategorized, Writing, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 25, 2014| 26 Comments »


wb7o

If I can make it here, I can make it anywhere.

My first day in New York City. 

I took to the streets, walking to the office, I immediately noticed New Yorkers don’t adhere to the three foot rule. If you get to within three feet of a person, you smile and greet them. I scared me some New Yorkers.

The Empire State Building was lit in green and blue tonight.

It’s up to you New York, New York.

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Gram’s Reindeer Recipe: The Other, Other White Meat

Posted in comedian, comic, family, Fantasy/Scifi, humor, My Writing Updates, Personal, Random, sarcasm, short story, Uncategorized, Writing, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 15, 2014| 17 Comments »


I can’t imagine why a Reindeer Pot Roast recipe is included in my family archives . Was Santa on someone s**t list? Was one of my ancestors going to show Mr. Claus what when you leave a stocking full of oranges instead of candy? I can;t tell you for sure.

But I can give you a jist of the recipe.

Wipe down the roast with LARD, preferably salted pork lard. (You can tell the age of a recipe by the term used to reference fat. This one’s old.)

Roll roast in flour, salt, and pepper.

Fry the roast in more salted pork LARD (1/2 pound) in a “kettle”. (Yeah, this is an old recipe.)

Brown flour in “Kettle”. (Okay, she was confused about kettles, but hey, she could write, so get over it.)

Place roast on rack in bottom of kettle. (Because hey don’t forget the LARD is still in there. Add water, seasonings (not getting too fancy because the only seasoning is one bay leaf) , cover and simmer.

Add carrots, onions, potatoes and turnips. (Haven’t heard that one in a recipe in a long time.)

If you don’t have enough meat for everyone make dumplings.

And so my Foodie Friends, add that one to your cookbook!

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The Day My Life Took a Turn

Posted in comedian, comic, Fantasy/Scifi, humor, My Writing Updates, Personal, Random, sarcasm, short story, Uncategorized, Writing, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 4, 2014| 48 Comments »


First day on the job, I was told to sit in on a client meeting to see how these Q & A sessions go. It was a phone conference. The client was in their offices and we were in ours. 

The client had about five people on the line, we had one guy, Bill and me. Of course he was doing all the talking. 

Midway through, a woman on the client side began yelling over everything Bill said. Finally, she was screaming things like, “You can’t be that stupid.”

At this point, Bill closed his laptop, picked up his stuff and just left without a word. 

The tirade continued with just me on the line.

She finally ended with. “Do you understand that, BILL?” She slurred his name in a most unattractive manner.

I hesitated for a moment, before taking the phone of off mute and said in a small voice, “Um, hi. I’m Deidra”

<pause>

“This is my first day.”

<pause>

“Um, Bill left a while ago.”

<pause>

“I don’t know anything about the super awesome thingie. Do you want to leave a message?”

<pause, silence, no response>

“Okay then, I guess we can adjourn.”

I didn’t know that day, but I had been introduced to the woman who would be my arch nemesis for the next two years.

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Her Skirt Swung with Each Step Saying Hate Me, Hate Me …

Posted in comedian, comic, family, humor, My Writing Updates, Personal, Random, sarcasm, short story, Uncategorized, Writing, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 30, 2014| 20 Comments »


I was fairly new on the job. I’d been there just long enough to know there was a woman, my manager who would come downstairs, jump on her broom and terrorize the entire wing. 

She was a pretty woman, which made her more frightening. You could hear her coming, stomping along in her high heeled shoes. If her pace was quick, you knew she was coming for someone.

When she launched into a tirade, everyone would stop to listen. And after she left, no one worked, they were all busy talking about her.

I was located in the furthest cubicle from the elevator. One day the doors opened and the click, clack of her high heels echoed on the floor.

I knew she was coming for me.

She snapped around the corner, her skirt swishing with each step as she quickly narrowed the distance between us.

Her entire face was pursed, on the verge of venomous explosion.

“Deidra,” She spit out my name like my Dad did when I used his stamp collection to post Valentines Day cards in grade school.

“Wait,” I cut in, “I know you have a problem and I’m here to help you. But you need to go somewhere else and wipe that look off your face and get control of yourself before you speak to me again.”

She gasped.You could hear a pen drop and none did.

She started laughing. “Am I really that bad?” she asked.

“Yeah, you scare grown men.”

That year I dressed up like her for Halloween. Hey, I can ride a broom too.

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Common Sense, Where?

Posted in comedian, comic, family, humor, My Writing Updates, Personal, Random, sarcasm, short story, Uncategorized, Writing, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 28, 2014| 9 Comments »


I received a text from an old friend. 

It read – I want to call you, what’s your phone number?

I replied – I think you just texted it.

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From the Bizarre Recipe Box

Posted in comedian, comic, family, humor, My Writing Updates, Personal, Random, sarcasm, short story, Uncategorized, Writing, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 25, 2014| 15 Comments »


I have recipes from my great aunts, grandmothers and even great grandmothers. Many are really good. I don’t use those. Just as may are a bit weird if not down right crazy. 

For all of you foodies, I would like to introduce a recipe from my great aunt who was quite the entertainer.

WARNING: Do not try this at home. But if you do, let me know how it turns out.

She called this little ditty the Backwoods Sandwich Loaf. I found it in her What to Serve Men section.

It starts with a loaf of unsliced bread. Cut lengthwise into 7 layers.

On the bottom layer, spread mayonnaise and cheese spread. Place bread layer on top.

On this layer spread tuna salad. Place bread layer on top.

On the next layer spread mayonnaise, tomato slices, salt, pepper and, you got it, next bread layer on top.

Next layer, egg salad. I think you’ve got the hang of the next bread layer …

Add mayonnaise and deviled ham.

Up until now you’re thinking – What up with you, Dee? It’s a little weird but still edible. 

But wait, there’s more.

On the last later, add mayonnaise and peanut butter. Yikes.

Though I’ve laid eyes on this wonder, I’ve never tasted it. You wouldn’t catch me eating a cheese spread, tuna, egg, tomato, deviled ham, peanut butter sandwich. 

 

Besides, it was served to the men in the wood paneled den.

And as a young female, I was served in the pale blue formal livingroom. We dined on Melon Americans or Frosted Sandwiches. 

I don’t know where she came up with the names.

 

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Which Cowboy Would You Chose?

Posted in comedian, comic, family, humor, Personal, Random, sarcasm, Writing, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 27, 2014| 50 Comments »


I’ve been playing around with the length of my blog posts. I usually write short posts. I tried creating longer posts. 

My last post was about fake cowboys. It was the long version. Here is the shorter version.

You Call Yourself A Cowboy?

Here’s my message to a couple of guys on my flight back to Texas.

If you paint your boots with puffy paint, you are not a cowboy. If you bedazzle your belt to match your puffy painted boots, maybe you best stay home.

If you have bling on your jeans, skip the rodeo. If you need to tie your hat on, don’t wear it. 

A real cowboy fills his jeans with an air of freedom and a bit of wilderness. He strides confidently in worn boots. More often then not, there’s a little stubble on his chin. 

He doesn’t bedazzle or puffy paint anything. He tips his hat to the passing ladies, no strings necessary. 

I loves me a cowboy. All pretenders need not apply.

So which do you prefer, this post or the next?

 

 

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Abbie, You Are a Big, Fat Liar

Posted in art, comic, family, humor, Personal, Random, sarcasm, Uncategorized, Writing, tagged , , , , , , , , , , on February 22, 2014| 20 Comments »


Dear Abbie,

I know you must work at Careerbuilder, because your emails end with their name. You send me emails almost everyday. Always with the same subject XYZ Company is interested in you.

I fell for it the first couple of times. I mean who wouldn’t. You work at a large employment site which I regularly use. I figure you have the inside scoop and have found me <blank> (charming, pathetic, funny, sad, annoying, add your own).

I thought perhaps these companies are really shy, like back in grade school and wanted you to slip me a little note. “We like you, do you like us, check yes or no.” I went directly to the company and said, “Yes, I like you and would love to go steady.”

However… Not only did they not send the note, they had never heard of me. And when they had they were nice enough. “We’re sure you’re a really nice person (call security we’ve got a live one.), but we’re already going steady and we really like him… a lot.”

How humiliating.

You’re on notice Abbie. I’m hip to you and your funny hijinks. So when you get an email telling you some awesome company wants to go steady with you, remember I’ve got my eye on you.

Dee

P.S. Am I still your friend? Check Yes or No. NO big fat NNNNNOOOOOO!

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Skinny Girls

Posted in Random, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , on November 16, 2010| Leave a Comment »


In honor of Foodpress, I am digressing from my last post to provide some observations on skinny girls. As my sister is one and I am not, I feel qualified to comment.

Skinny girls do lunch, I eat lunch. I don’t go to lunch to be seen, nor to see who can eat the least, nor to collect white styrofoam boxes. I go to lunch to eat and visit with friends, but mostly eat.

A skinny girls’ hair salon has more bleach than a laundry mat.

Skinny girls do not wear low-cut blouses to show off their cleavage. They wear low-cut blouses to show off their collar bones.

The skinny girl mall has no intellectual pursuits. No bookstores, magazine stands, electronics stores, not even cell phone stores.

I have discovered swallowing gum is not a cheap form of bariatric surgery. It doesn’t stay in your stomach forever or I’d be skinny too.

Skinny girl drool, the rest of us rule.

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