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Archive for the ‘humor’ Category

I’m in the Crap Business

Posted in comedian, comic, family, humor, short story, Uncategorized, Writing, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 18, 2014| 38 Comments »


I started a new job a week ago. Tuesday was my first day.

Tuesday: I’ve received twenty-five documents to read today. And I don’t have a computer yet. I’ll be traveling a lot, so they’re sending a laptop. Yeah!

Wednesday: All of the documents I received are from 2010-2012. I think they might be outdated. Also they’re all about different subjects and there’s nothing to connect them. I’m going to keep plugging along, it’ll make sense soon. P.S. Didn’t get the computer today. 😦

Thursday: I’ve received a task to complete by Monday. They documents I have are definitely outdated. I don’t have access to the company’s library. Did I mention I didn’t get my laptop today?

Friday: I received my laptop. Yeah! 🙂 I got someone to send me a couple of documents about my assignment to write about something I don’t know anything about yet.

Saturday: Trying to catch up today. I don’t have access yet. I talked to IT, they said the forms haven’t been signed. So I can’t login. In the meantime, people are sending me emails to a box I can’t access. Great. 😦

Sunday: Ok, I bit the bullet and just started writing about what little crap I have.

Monday: I sent out my crap for review. I don’t know if it was a test or hazing, but at least I have a draft. I’m sure I’m receiving lots of informative email messages in the box I can’t open. On a side note – I received a call from 1989. They want their computer back.

Tuesday Morning: Got back comment from the crap I wrote, not too bad. I have several meetings online.

Tuesday Afternoon: I attended this morning’s meetings. Still don’t know crap and can’t access crap. Some people sent me more bits and pieces of their favorite crap to my personal email account. Nothing to tie it all together. When I ask questions, I’m told to look in the documents from 2010. With a warning, these documents need to be updated. They’re three years old. Oh crap.

They’re sending me to the corporate offices tomorrow way up in freezing land. It’s thirty degrees there. I live in a desert, I don’t have a coat. Super crap.

So to summarize, I’m going to the mother ship in the frozen tundra without a coat. I don’t know crap about crap. I have meetings all day about crap, but it’s not related to the crap I’m supposed to finish by Friday.

I think that pretty much summarizes new jobs, everything’s crap for a while.

P.S. My laptop times out when I open emails. I think it might be crap.

 

 

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Glippie-trippie-seed – Mythical Medical Terms

Posted in humor, Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , , on March 4, 2014| 15 Comments »


I glippie-trippie-seed myself. For those not in the medical industry, an explanation.

I tripped over a cord. Just as I recovered, I tripped on a rug, slamming my palm into the corner of my desk. I twisted my other hand against my desk (both bruised).

Then, in order to stop myself, I rammed my head into a wooden shelf. Though it may be more accurate to say the shelf stopped me as I was moving and it was not.

To summarize, Glippie-trippie-seed: a double trip ending with a few tears and a big ouch. Resulting in a headache involving no alcohol. Followed up with several Advil. You probably saw it in the Olympics.

If Advil wants to sponsor me, I can find other shameless ways to plug their drug.

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Abbie, You Are a Big, Fat Liar

Posted in art, comic, family, humor, Personal, Random, sarcasm, Uncategorized, Writing, tagged , , , , , , , , , , on February 22, 2014| 20 Comments »


Dear Abbie,

I know you must work at Careerbuilder, because your emails end with their name. You send me emails almost everyday. Always with the same subject XYZ Company is interested in you.

I fell for it the first couple of times. I mean who wouldn’t. You work at a large employment site which I regularly use. I figure you have the inside scoop and have found me <blank> (charming, pathetic, funny, sad, annoying, add your own).

I thought perhaps these companies are really shy, like back in grade school and wanted you to slip me a little note. “We like you, do you like us, check yes or no.” I went directly to the company and said, “Yes, I like you and would love to go steady.”

However… Not only did they not send the note, they had never heard of me. And when they had they were nice enough. “We’re sure you’re a really nice person (call security we’ve got a live one.), but we’re already going steady and we really like him… a lot.”

How humiliating.

You’re on notice Abbie. I’m hip to you and your funny hijinks. So when you get an email telling you some awesome company wants to go steady with you, remember I’ve got my eye on you.

Dee

P.S. Am I still your friend? Check Yes or No. NO big fat NNNNNOOOOOO!

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Tangled in My Own Clothes?

Posted in humor, shopping, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , on January 21, 2012| 244 Comments »


Does anyone else get tangled in their clothes?

I put on a sports bra this morning and the real sport turned out to be trying to get the thing off. I thought I was going to have to cut my way out or call for the jaws of live. I would have considered phone a friend but that conversation wouldn’t have gone so great.

“Hey friend. Whatcha doing?”

“Nothing, what about you?”

“Well, now that you ask, I put on a sports bra. When I tried to take it off, it got stuck. So it’s around my arm pits and I can’t put my arms down.”

The other day, I was trying to put on some wrap thingie and got tangled. I found myself spinning in circles, like my dog when she’s chasing her tail.

Now I remember why I don’t write a fashion blog.

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Christmas, Let It Go

Posted in humor, shopping, Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , on January 14, 2012| 122 Comments »


Dear Store Manager,

The Christmas stuff that didn’t sale before Christmas isn’t going to sell now at 30% off. I’m afraid the candy cane door mat, pine scented candles, and reindeer PJs all not happening. You need to cut your losses.

Think of Easter. That grass-skirt clad Santa isn’t going to be cute with colored eggs around it. Besides I hear the Easter Bunny doesn’t like to share.

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My Family: Drama and Trauma

Posted in family, humor, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , on January 7, 2012| 159 Comments »


Yes, I’m still stuck on Christmas. I think I have enough posts to stretch this out to Valentine’s Day, but I’ll spare you.

I hate to be a Scrooge so this is my last Christmas related post.

Things I dislike, intensely about Christmas.

Stores so crowded you have hair in your mouth and it isn’t yours.

Christmas gifts that are chores.

Relatives who sign people up for dating services. That isn’t a gift even if you filled out the questionnaire and created the profile.

Anything of the month, except alcohol and chocolate.

-10 degrees. I don’t care of it’s fahrenheit or celcius. I don’t like it.

Rumors I didn’t start.

Things I love about Christmas.

Rumors I started.

Laughing until you cry because your sisters are so stupid funny.

The faces of little children Christmas morning.

The crunch of snow and the silence of a bitter cold night.

Reliving your childhood with your siblings and cousins.

Snowball fights, sled rides, horses, falling into snow drifts so deep you need help getting out.

Roaring fires, hot chocolate, knowing looks when your crazy elders speak their ‘wisdom’.

Your crazy elders you hope will live forever, but know won’t.

And yes, maybe even the tree you were given. That’s where I’ll be the rest of the day, the six hour journey to get the tree. Hopefully it produces apples of gold, real not gold plated.

And one more thing, remember the Writer’s Digest’s Best Websites Contest. If you read a blog and think, Wow she’s really funny, ignore her and remember me. Instructions provided purely as a public service.

1. Send brief email to writersdigest@fwmedia.com (click now)

2. Put 101 Best Websites Nominations in subject line. (cut and paste now)

3. As an example include some kind of note like

Please consider Deidra Alexander’s Blog at www.deidraalexander.com for your list of 101 Best Website. (copy and paste optional. )

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Useless Gifts or a Drinking Game

Posted in humor, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , on December 30, 2011| 106 Comments »


Writer’s Digest is running a Best Websites Contest.  I thought perhaps if you had a favorite website or blog, you might want to know how to submit a nomination.  All you need to do is

1. Send brief email to writersdigest@fwmedia.com (click now)

2. Put 101 Best Websites Nominations in subject line. (cut and paste now)

3. As an example include some kind of note like

Please consider Deidra Alexander’s Blog at www.deidraalexander.com for your list of 101 Best Website. (copy and paste optional. 🙂 )

Now, another post-Christmas blog.

Let me begin by telling you my house sits on a one acre lot with twenty trees in front and over thirty trees in the back. This will be important later.

In my family there is a giver of carefully thought out useless gifts. I in my novice attempt to out useless her, I gave her a cake stand. She lives in the mountains and baking is out of the question, high altitude and all. I was giggling to myself until I opened the gift she had for me. But first other victims.

To the person who is allergic to scents of any kind, she gave perfume and highly scented candles. Though I appreciate the hives, not cool.

To the person who has all hardwood floors, a carpet steamer. Good one, a chore.

To the guy with body hair, knit shirt. Need I say more, though I appreciate the attempt at werewolf inspiration.

To a single woman over 20, underwear and flannel pajamas. Don’t complain that she’s single if you buy her and Gramms matching gifts.

And to me, she really went all out. I got a gift, errand and a chore. She gave me a tree. One I have to pickup in a large truck, drag back to my house, get a hole dug and then plant. I learned my lesson, do not try to out gift the master.

And to my fellow suffers, there’s a bottle of tequila and a white elephant gift exchange in my room.

Hey, who brought the cake plate?

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What to do with the Pesky Single People during the Holidays

Posted in family, humor, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , on December 28, 2011| 99 Comments »


First, I’ve released my blog for Kindle in which I will include extra humiliate of myself and family in an effort to get my furnace fixed.

First and foremost, the goals is to make those pesky onesies wish they were twosies. Here are some tried and true methods to aid in that quest.

If your singles are resistant to the process, remind them of how happy it would make their dearly departed parent, grandparent, Aunt and/or pet.

You’ll need to take special care with your females. Remember they aren’t getting any younger. Force them to cook a dish which you can push onto eligible males. Note: Have an exact duplicate ready to switch in the event hers turns out tasting like paste and well you know it will.

Counsel females on allowing their male counterparts to win all games, not singing carols with her Porky Pig voice, and using restrain when throwing snowballs, not that it will help.

You must unload your unattached relatives on every eligible member of the opposite sex, including second cousins as they are still legal in some states. Don’t forget to push your male relatives’ careers or sensitivity, which ever is more applicable. And finally if your female relative is owning property, be sure to point that out to all candidates and their Mommas. Nothing helps like a good, old-fashioned dowry.

(Picture to be added later.)

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The Pistol, Not My Fault

Posted in children, humor, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , on December 23, 2011| 187 Comments »


The great thing about Christmas is you get to see relatives you rarely see the rest of the year. So it is with The Pistol and me.

I have a nephew I like to call “The Pistol”. I rarely see him so I have little influence on him, which makes his actions even more entertaining.

One of my other sisters tried to step in and be the twisted Aunt. (Don’t try this at home. I’m a trained professional.) She started calling the kid Pooter when he was a toddler.

One day she came in and he said, “Hi Aunt Pooter.”

My sister said, “I’m not Pooter, you are.”

He said, “I’m KayKay, you’re Aunt Pooter.”

And The Pistol was born.

To my sister – Out smarted by a two-year old, really?

The Pistol was bored this morning, so I opened Paint on the computer. Here’s his artwork enjoy. He’s five now.

Kid’s concept, Auntie Dee’s typing.

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Super Powers Coming Right Up

Posted in humor, shopping, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , on December 19, 2011| 121 Comments »


One of my male relatives and I have been texting today. He’s planning on study in Italy and is saving money for the trip, so I thought I would send him a list of possible Christmas gifts he could do for me rather than buy something. He’s great at cleaning and organizing. Here’s our texts:

Me: Things you could give me for Christmas instead of a gift. Deep clean my office, organize my pantry or laundry room, build a blog site I can offer through Kindle.

Him: Things I would like for Christmas. Superpowers, a billion dollars, and my own private island. Get me mine and I’ll see about yours.

Me: Very funny, but I’m serious.

Him: So am I. I want super powers.

Me: You have super powers. You’re cleaning man.

Him: My shoe size is 9 and pants size is 30×30.

Me: You want a super hero costume?

I have a feeling he isn’t planning to use his super power for good. 😦

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