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Posts Tagged ‘funny’

How my Sister Became a Cannibal or a Different Thanksgiving

Posted in family, humor, sister, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , on November 24, 2011| 72 Comments »


I was trying to think of the perfect post for Thanksgiving and me being me, I decided to be thankful for the nut I call my  sister.

My Grandmother wanted to be cremated and have her ashes spread over a field of blue bonnets. So after she was cremated, someone thought it was be a good idea to take handfuls of her and spread her around thinking good thoughts. Midway through I realized how disgusting this was. That was about the time the wind picked up. Grandma blew back in my face and I choked on her.

On our way home, one of my sisters wanted to go through a drive through and pick up a burger.

I said, “I have to go in. I have Grandma all over my hands and steering wheel.”

My sister start to laugh.

I asked, “Hey, you know you have a smudge of Grandma on your teeth.”

As the sun was setting, I was waxing nastalgic. I don’t know how many time I’ve told my sister to keep her mouth shut. She never listens. I wonder if that makes her a cannibal.

P.S. Thanks to Hilary White for this week awesome header.

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The Wee One May Kick Your Azz

Posted in humor, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , on November 20, 2011| 63 Comments »


A while back I was invited to a party, at which I was the shortest person. In this mostly male crowd, I didn’t come above any of theirs armpits. I’m five two and they were all over six feet.  I felt like I was in a forest of moving trees.

It seemed none of the guys quite knew what to do with the wee little one, as one guy described me. As alcohol was involved, eventually insufferable giant, Jaxx said, “She’s so little, I can just pick her up.” And he did.

I, of course, responded with my evil, narrow eyed, menacing, I’ll kick your ass look and said, “Put me down.”

To which he responded laughing, “Oh, the little one’s got a temper.”

He didn’t seem to realize my knee was now in a perfect position for permanent damage. We needn’t go further, he put me down.

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Freakish Dreams

Posted in humor, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , on November 17, 2011| 43 Comments »


I had a dream last night, my psychiatrist would have a field day with. I dreamt there was a beautiful park in the middle of a city. You had to pay a quarter to get in. In the middle of the park were these brick toilets and again you had to pay a quarter to get in.

I thought, Wow those must be really nice toilets. I don’t really need to go, but I’ll pay a quarter to get in and a quarter to use the really nice toilets.

So I sitting there, looking out a half window at the park, and by the way they were really nice toilets, and a woman kept going back and forth. I thought to myself this might be the kind of place someone would vandalize.

So I was sitting there and the entire wall of the toilet was ripped off and  I was exposed to the city.

Yeah, thanks vandals.

Remember, this is a dream. Even my dreams have a freaky sense of humor.

My psychiatrist would want to look for deeper meaning, like my Mom’s toilet training techniques. But, me I’m not that brilliant and well-educated and I think my Mom did a fine job.

I think it’s because I’m facing my fear of short stories publicly. Oh by the way the last short story really sucked, so can my freakish dream count instead?

wooded subway stop

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My True Confessions Continue

Posted in short story, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , on November 16, 2011| 14 Comments »


I posted another short story. If your interested in my second attempt, check out the tab Short Stories You Might Not Want to Read. Apparently my best writing might be right in the middle of the night.

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Where Did I Put the Short Stories

Posted in short story, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , on November 14, 2011| 7 Comments »


I forgot to mention that I was creating a new tab called Short Stories You Might Not Want to Read. I’ve place my first official fiction story about a Dreamwalker. I’ve misplaced my notebook with the second only half finished short story, which means I left it on my desk at work. So I have to quickly come up with a fast short story for today.

She fell in love with a serial killer and that was the end of that.

I think that would be romantic suspense. Got to get started on another one. Till tomorrow.

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True Confession

Posted in Writing, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , on November 13, 2011| 24 Comments »


Though I have many things to confess, most of which I’ve already been absolved, I have a fear of words. One hundred and forty characters invigorates me. A blog post makes me a little nervous. Can I find something interesting that will last more than one hundred and forty characters? Not sure.

A novel of 50,000+ words? Not so afraid, there’s a structure, word limits, rules and regulations to follow.

My true and total fear – the short story. How long is enough or too long? How many plot points? Number of twists one, two or three? I feel no guidance in writing a short story and maybe that should be the draw – freedom. But I like rules and guides.

So I have a phobia of short stories. I’ve tried researching them, but the only cure I can think of is to write them. So, I’m going to write one a day. I’m not going to worry if I don’t have an end or if it’s really boring and sucks. I’m just going to write one short story a day.

I’m going to love writing short stories even if it kills me.

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Sucked into an Alternate Universe

Posted in humor, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , on November 11, 2011| 14 Comments »


I got to work and people where talking to me like I care.

I thought Holy Crap, I must have gotten sucked into an alternate universe where “I” care!

But if I’m here, the me that cares must be in my world screwing everything up. Holy Crap, suddenly I cared. Then I got so freakin’ confused I didn’t care anymore.

Okay, I’m good now.

Images courtesy Rodrigo Lazzarini.

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When Does Old Become Fashionable?

Posted in humor, shopping, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , on November 4, 2011| 27 Comments »


My house was built in 1964. The duck wallpaper doesn’t scream old-world, it screams strip me and the nineteen layer under me. At what point does dirt and dust turn the corner and become patina?

Furniture refinishing instructions have a step that goes something like this. Now rub the fake dirt on it so it looks old.

I think I’ll just wait for the real dirt. My problem, the real dirt never looks as good as the fake dirt.

Images courtesy Rodrigo Lazzarini.

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Twisted Fairy Tales Warped Me for Life

Posted in family, Fantasy/Scifi, humor, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , on October 15, 2011| 172 Comments »


My Aunt Sophie was the hip, single aunt my parents were always lecturing. What I remember most was when Aunt Sophie would stop by at night and come into my room to tell a bedtime story, usually a twisted version of a fairy tale.

She would perch on the bench by the open window. Cigarette in one hand, blowing smoke outside. My parents, non-smokers would have kicked her bleached blond, mini skirt wearing butt if they had known.

Cinderella went to the ball alright, but wound up making out with Prince Charming in some closet somewhere. Aunt Sophie would toss her hair and stare out into the night, smiling.

I imagine now most of the “fairy tales” she told were actually taken from her single dating life. It was after all the 70’s.

Looking back on Aunt Sophie’s stories there’s one thing I find mildly disturbing, the story she told me about Snow White seducing the dwarfs? I try not to think about that one too much. If she was Cinderella, she was probably Snow White too.

Images courtesy Rodrigo Lazzarini.

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Is That a Brontosaur Bone Under Your Loin Cloth

Posted in humor, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , on October 8, 2011| 25 Comments »


Whenever my fellow writers and I visit other author organizations, invariably they have us each stand, give our names and our genre. My friends always go first. They’re all sweet and genteel and wouldn’t consider saying anything untoward.

“I write regency.”

“I write inspirational.”

“I write paranormal.”

And then they come to me. You should know this, but I’ll tell you just in case you haven’t realized, I can’t be normal or demure.

“I write …. Prehistoric Erotica. I have two titles out. Once You Go Rhino You Never Go Back to Dino and Is That a Brontosaur Bone Under Your Loin Cloth or Are You Just Glad to See Me?”

This always creates a disruptive moment when cell phones are whipped out to search for the aforementioned titles with no success. So when I saw these images by Rodrigo Lazzarini, I knew it was perfect for my someday project. The Bones of Yesterday Chronicles.

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