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Lizzie Borden


I taught my four year old neice, Elizabeth to sing Lizzie Borden. It’s really creepy when sung with such a sweet voice. Why won’t my sister let me babysit anymore?

Rainy Days


If your feeling hate and disdain, take it somewhere else. I’m raining on this parade.


I reuse aluminum foil and paper towels. My friends keep telling me you didn’t go through the great depression like your grandmother.


Someone asked for my God given name.

I said, “I didn’t know my mother was God?”

That explains things like the eyes in the back of her head.


I’m doing research for a book that’s set in New Orleans.

While I was there, I wanted to find a voodoo shop. I went into several. One in particular seemed more authentic, since they weren’t selling ‘I got too drunk in New Orleans’ t-shirts next to the voodoo dolls.

They had a variety of stuff I imagine to be reminiscent of such a place: potions, herbs, candles, and dolls of course. In the back, they gave readings. Then I found the one thing the cinched it for me. A voodoo pencil, decorated with paint and fabric to look like a voodoo doll.

Leave it to me to find the Martha Stewart of Voodoo Priestesses.

Caveman


If the toes are hairy what are the odds the back is fuzz free?

Love and Money


My Grandpa use to say it’s just as easy to fall in love with a rich man as a poor man, but more difficult to leave.

Rude Awakening


Blind Dog, if you want something, please do not come to my side of the bed and breath in my face.

Signed, The Management


I’m at work and this conference room is hot as hell. This meeting is as boring as hell. I think I work in hell.

The kitten …

who thinks he’s a tiger.


When I was in Finland, someone gave me reindeer hoof art. I hung it on the door to confuse Blind Dog. Now she thinks there’s big game in the house.