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magic cat

I have an idea for a story where the voice of the universe talks to a guy through his toilet. So what kind of guy would hear voices from the toilet —

I’m sitting here waiting in a cafe because the voice of the universe spoke to me through my toilet. I know, it sounds crazy.

My name? Now that’s a story. My father was a hippie. My mother was Native American, Comanche actually. When my mother was pregnant with me, they went to the medicine woman, who told them they must name me after the place where I would be born.

They planned to be in Phoenix, Arizona when I was born. I was going to be named Phoenix Arizona, kinda cool. Instead, when my Mom was seven months pregnant, they decided to go to a peace march in Washington. I was born in Washington, DC. So my name? It’s District of Columbia, District of Columbia Campbell or DC for short.

I’d like to think my parents were dropping acid, smoking a little too much ganja, or at least on a three day bender, but  they say they were high on love.

She also told them I was twins, girls, but they didn’t think to ignore her just because she was wrong on number and sex. No, they followed her instructions to a T. I’d like to kick the ass of a medicine woman about now.


penny black woman

My sister was tired of expensive cable bills, so she cancelled her cable.

Of course a cable company representative called to try and entice her back with a special offer. He asked, “I see you cancelled your cable service. May I ask why?”

I’m sure he expecting some reply like, ‘It’s too expensive’ or maybe ‘I don’t really watch it that much’.

Did my sister say one of these canned replies? No.

She said, “I canceled cable to get the devil out of my life.”

The voice on the other end of the phone was silent. That’s right, try to find a special offer for demonic possession. That story surely became call center legend.


35 (11)

You know you’re not supposed to play in the laundry.

Can’t get out, can you?


Taking Fake Book Covers by Comedian Scott Rogowsky

asian girlfreindfake book cover 2funny-fake-book-covers-prank-scott-rogowskyfunny-fake-book-covers-prank-scott-rogowsky-8godhold a fartmath asiansmuder for dummieswomen deserve lessnot pornsacrifice

Check out his videos on YouTube.

Here’s one to get you started


 

wily coyote strikes again.

The construction company’s name was Acme and the project manager was named Wiley Coyote. (Sometimes I think I work here.)

Dear Kitten


90 (4)

Dear Kitten,

My paintbrushes are not kitty chew toys. Please stop taking them from the jar on my desk.

Dear Kitten,

Please stop lying on my freshly painted work. I know “up” is your favorite place. But I put them “up” high so you wouldn’t get to them.

Dear Kitten,

Though the paints are nontoxic, I don’t think you should drink the rinse water. Does it really taste that great?

Dear Kitten,

When I went to answer the phone that was not permission for you to walk on my stamp pad and then across my desk.

Dear Kitten,

When I woke up this morning and you were sleeping with your head on the pillow next to mine, I forgot all the annoying things you did yesterday.

 

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