Stay on the path.
Posted in art, comedian, comic, entertainment, humor, life, photography, Uncategorized | Tagged funny | 17 Comments »
I wish I was a food designer. I’m sure they’re out there. People paid to come up with flavors of things like chips, jelly beans and protein bars.
I think a girl named Twig makes all the protein bar flavors. They all come in some kind of animal feed flavor – oats, wheat, or rice (crispy’s) and sugar.
Sure these things are good for a day or two and then they begin to wear on me. Fruit and grain, fruit and grain, day after day. Sure they throw in a few nuts every now and then, but it’s the same basic taste.
With my flavors I could open a “Protein Bar” Bar. So this is me ordering in my Protein Bar Bar.
“I’ll have the Chicken Fried Steak and Gravy Protein Bar, a side of Shrimp Fried Rice Protein Bar and a Margarita Protein Bar. Oh what the heck give me two Margarita Protein Bars. I’m not driving tonight.”
The waiter would chuckle and say, “Excellent choice, Madam.”
My sister would say, “Do you have the Lobster Dipped in Butter Protein Bar on the kids’ menu? I’m not very hungry. Can I substitute a Martini Protein Bar for the drink?”
I would roll my eyes behind her back and the waiter would chuckle again.
When he left I would say, “You know they have a special key on that computer that says “Spit in the Food” protein bar and he just used it on your order.”
She’d squawk, “No they don’t,” but she would closely inspect her food.
She thinks I don’t notice, but I do.
After she devours her little, tiny meal, she’d want a bite of mine which in reality would be half my food.
When I’m sick, I would have a Chicken Pot Pie Protein Bar and think about my Grandma.
And sometimes late at night when no one’s looking, I would have 4 or 5 Chocolate, Chocolate Truffle Ice Cream Protein Bars and maybe 2 or 3 Turtle Cheese Cake Protein Bars. The next day I would pretend I didn’t know who ate them.
Yeah, my protein bars would be like meals at the Jetson’s.
(This story does not in anyway reflect the things I might or might not do in reality. As for my sister who thinks your friends might see this and think it’s about you, you might want to consider why.)
Posted in art, books, chocolate, comedian, comic, entertainment, fantasy, Fantasy/Scifi, Fiction, food, humor, life, literature, Personal, photography, sarcasm, short story, sister, Uncategorized, writer, Writing | Tagged food | 17 Comments »
Can you scoot over a bit?
Posted in animals, art, comedian, entertainment, family, humor, life, love, photography, sarcasm, Uncategorized, writer, Writing | Tagged animals | 3 Comments »
My head was thumping. I was having trouble thinking.
Oh God!
I shot straight up, realizing the lump in the bed next to me was alive and possibly awake. A sliver of light broke through the darkened hotel room.
Minutes ticked by while my mind raced to remember.
Why was I in a hotel room? Convention, yeah, we were at a convention. Who was we? Me and my three closest friends.
A late night of shots and gambling left me hazy as to the details. The other three lumps began stirring. Three heads started popping up, then burrowing back into their pillows and back up again. If I had a mallet I could have played whack-a-mole.
I flipped on the lamp.
Holy mackerel!
I fell asleep with my friends in the room and woke up with three trolls instead. These women were able to completely change the shape and color of their features.
I have a heart-shaped birthmark on my cheek. I like to tell young tattooed people it started as a little heart by my eye. But by the time I’m eighty it’ll have fallen to my boob and look like an arrow pointing straight to hell. I digress.
That mark is always there no matter how much stuff I try to cover it with. I feel like a throw back to the Jurassic period.
I was on my knees praying to Maybelline to save me.
Holy Sephora! How’d they do that Cover Girl?
Posted in art, chick lit, comedian, comic, entertainment, family, fantasy, Fiction, flash fiction, humor, life, sarcasm, short story, travel, writer, Writing | Tagged author, comedian, comedy, family. job, funny, humor, humour, job, laugh, life, writer, writing | 9 Comments »
Police escort for zebra.
That picture has nothing to do with my post. I just like it.
While I was fooling around today (I’m not working until Wednesday), I was singing Popeye the Sailor Man to myself. I had a realization. (And myself is very fond of that song.) On to the realization
I always thought this song was propaganda deployed by my Mother to get me to eat spinach. Then I got to the verse “Popeye the sailor man lives in the garbage can.” Wow, what’s up with that? I never thought about his super humble abode. I think the subliminal message communicated here does not match the intended propaganda.
I can’t remember a time in which I wanted to live in a garbage can. As a matter of fact the only person I knew who lived in a garbage can was The Grouch over on Sesame Street. He was never happy, so I’m thinking living in a garbage can is less than ideal.
Now I’m thinking this message may have been holding me back. Did my parents inadvertently set my career on a less than desirable path? Am I perchance sabotaging myself?
Does anyone know a career positive song that might reprogram my garbage can size goals?
Mental check: +3.5 on positive side (5 being max)
Feet cold
Posted in animals, comedian, comic, humor, sarcasm | Tagged mental state, Popeye, Subliminal Programming, Zebra | 30 Comments »
By sorta popular demand, I’ve included that answer to the question, what was in your garage at the end of the story.
It was late one evening or early one morning depending on your perspective. I was finishing the last chapter of a great book (reading, not writing) when I heard a loud bang come from my garage. I could see the garage from another room in my house, so I peered across to see the garage lights on and the door open.
If I was sure of only one thing, it was I always close the garage door. All was silent, so I grabbed my home phone and called wait for it – a friend.
“Are you behind my house by any chance?” I asked.
“No, I’m in Louisville.”
“Holy crap, I think someone’s in my garage.”
“Just go check.”
Another crash. “I’m going to call (wait for it) my sister.”
I called my sister who suggested 911 might be a more appropriate group to get in touch with. I didn’t want to bother 911 in case it turned out to be nothing. But finally (3 minutes later) I decided, What the hey I’d give them a call.
The 911 operator said, “Police are already on the way. Your sister and your friend already called.”
More banging, clanging and mayhem came from the garage. As I crouched behind the kitchen island, I realized how flimsy the door between the garage and the kitchen was.
My cell phone rang. It was my friend, a man as you’ll see from the following conversation. I had him on one phone and the 911 operator on the other.
“Go see if you can see anyone outside the window,” he said.
“Okay,” I said.
“What did he say?” the operator asked. I told her, she said, “NO, stay down.”
“Turn on the outside light,” friend said.
“What did he say?” the operator asked. I told her, she said, “NO, stay where you are.”
“Go listen at the garage door,” friend said.
“What did he say?” the operator asked. I told her, she said, “tell him to shut up.”
After a time of hiding in the dark behind the kitchen island, the 911 operator said, “The police are outside. Do you have a weapon?”
I said, “I have a wire hanger.”
The operator snickered and told the officers that I was armed with a wire hanger. The officers snickered but said I could hang on to the hanger if it made me feel safer.
Yes, I in a room full of knives I picked up a wire hanger and was ready to throttle any intruders.
NO MORE WIRE HANGERS. Remind you of anyone?
P.S. I slept with that wire hanger for almost six months.
Because, as it turns out it was not one, but a group of burglars. There were other break-ins in my area that started in the garage before moving into the house. The police thought that at some point they realized someone was awake and left before they finished. They were caught a few months later.
Posted in art, books, comedian, comic, entertainment, fantasy, Fiction, flash fiction, humor, life, literature, photography, sarcasm, short story, Uncategorized, writer, Writing | Tagged funny | 33 Comments »
Excuse me I want out of that family.
Posted in comedian, comic, family, humor, life, photography, Uncategorized | Tagged funny | 25 Comments »
Posted in art, entertainment, fantasy, humor, life, Personal, photography, sarcasm, Uncategorized, writer, Writing | Tagged fantasy | 5 Comments »
Posted in animals, art, comedian, comic, dog, entertainment, family, fantasy, Fiction, flash fiction, humor, life, literature, love, Personal, photography, sarcasm, short story, Uncategorized, writer, Writing | 25 Comments »
I was thinking about books and movies that would have been less interesting with just a twist of the name
Posted in art, comedian, comic, humor, life, photography, sarcasm, short story, Uncategorized, Writing | 20 Comments »
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