Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Archive for the ‘Random’ Category

DMV

Posted in Random, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , on November 1, 2010| 1 Comment »


I just had 24 hours worth of creativity sucked out of me through my nose. The jokes my parents and grandparents told were true. I spent two and a half hours at the DMV getting my driver’s license renewed.

I think this process is designed to make you feel old, because by the time I got to the front of the line I was telling stories about the good old days before computers, internet, and cell phones back during the Iran contra affair and the Berlin wall. I feel I’m too old to stand in a line that long. I have less than half my life left and the last two and a half hours just ticked away at the DMV.

It was taking half an hour to process each person. That’s people with the correct paperwork, identification, and money ready to go.  What were they doing up there? Definitely collecting too much information.

I was almost at the front of the line when they were unable to scan the ladies thumbs in front of me. They could only scan one. What’s the big deal? What would happen if you were missing a thumb? It could happen. When did thumb scanning become mandatory? I’ve had MRIs that did were faster.

Here’s the logical next step, the DMV should start selling Starbucks coffee, tea and sandwiches. The money they collect should be used to pay off our debt to China. If they added those little airline size bottles of booze, we’d be out of debt in no time.  Because everyone there needed a good stiff drink.

Read Full Post »

My Mom

Posted in Personal, Random, Writing, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , on October 29, 2010| 4 Comments »


I was in college in Maryland. It was a Monday when I received a call from my mom. We talked about this and that and how it was going.

At the end of the call, she said, “I’ll meet you by the gate.”

At the time, I thought she meant the gate to her yard or garden.

On Wednesday, another family member called saying my Mother’s doctor had stopped treatment for her cancer six months earlier. That there was no hurry, but I should come see her.

I finished a test on Thursday and started driving back to Texas late Friday. I drove all night. When I got about thirty minutes from home, I felt it. It was like a huge rubber band connected to my gut had been pulled tight and then cut.

It snapped back and I knew my mother was no longer at the other end. I began to cry.

When I got to the house, no one had to say anything. I could see it in my sisters’ eyes.

My mother was lying in her bed, her hair had been combed. Someone had dressed her in a white cotton gown with tiny lilac flowers and a ribbon at the collar. Her hands were folded over her chest. I touched them, but they were already cold.

I knew then she hadn’t meant her garden gate, she would be meeting me somewhere else.

This is the basis for a book I’ve written, Meet Me at the Gate. Once it’s been polished a little more, perhaps it ‘ll be publishable.

Read Full Post »

Warning: I’m no poet

Posted in Random, Writing, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , on October 7, 2010| 1 Comment »


Sometimes I have words stuck in my head. The only way to get rid of them is to write them down. This is an example of phrases taping me on the shoulder when I should be writing —

Remember those childhood games we use to all play
when a do over would save the day?
And you look and you think and you wonder.

You wish you had those do overs in life.
You could back it all up and make it all right.
And you look and you think and you wonder.

And now that you’re grown
You have to play it alone.
And you look and you think and you wonder.

Is this the day that will end it all?
Is this the day that you finally fall?
And you look and you think and you wonder.

Should you be playing at all?
Would you be safer not risking the fall?
And you look and you think and you wonder.

Read Full Post »

Posted in Personal, Random, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , on October 6, 2010| 4 Comments »


Several times a week I see an elderly woman working in her yard. There she is wearing tan slacks, cotton shirt and wide brim straw hat, bent over pullling weeds under the shade of tall trees. This is what I think of when I think about America. Some people might imagine parades, fireworks on the 4th of July, fishing at the lake, picnics in the park or a roaring fire and a good book.

I think of my Grandmother working in the yard.

Read Full Post »

Universal Toilet 4

Posted in Fantasy/Scifi, Random, Writing, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , on October 1, 2010| 2 Comments »


DC needs a posse, a team to help him conquer evil. A trifecta is in order. DC is of course the first in our trio. A male companion, one able to stand up to a personality like DCs is needed. I think I’ll add the reincarnation of the Dalai Lama. Since this is a farce, he was reincarnated as a dog and is a little chauvinistic. The third personality should be female, beautiful and have a history with the Dalai Lama, perhaps Illiana, Godess of War and Love. So the first encounter might not go smoothly after a few centuries of feuding. —

A beautiful woman stood at the chair across from mine.

“This chair taken?” she asked.

“No,” I said.

She sat.

“What a cute dog,” she said, patting Dalai’s head so hard he winced.

“Ass,” Dalai growled.

“Pig,” she replied, tossing her dark hair back with a flip of her head.

The dog and woman seemed acquainted, but refused to look at each other.

“You didn’t call,” the woman said, malice evident in her voice.

“It was one date,” the dog replied. “Centuries ago, lay off it.”

(As the conversation continued, Dalai and Illiana disagree with the approach for saving the world.”

“I think I know best,” Dalai continued, lecturing, “I have lived for five centuries.”

“Four and a half.” Illiana’s dark eyes sparkled.

“What?”

“Four and a half. Remember the snake in Bangalore?”

“That was you. That snake bite killed me.”

“You didn’t call.”

“Enough with the calling.”

“Jerk.” Illiana slammed her cup down.

“Bitch.”

“You should talk.”

“Check again, I’m all man.” Dalai’s ears lifted.

“You check again.” Illiana smirked.

Dalia gave a quick double check only to realize Illiana was right. He was indeed a female dog.

“Are you kidding me?” he yelled, looking skyward. “Not just a dog, but a female dog. Are you kidding me?”

“Karma sucks.” Illiana took another sip of coffee.

“Asshole,” Dalai replied.

“You might want to stop calling me names. Last time it was bitch and look what happened. Keep it up. You never know what you might come back as next.”

Read Full Post »

Voice of the Universe 3

Posted in Fantasy/Scifi, Random, Writing, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , on September 30, 2010| 1 Comment »


Since I won’t be able to poste tomorrow, I thought I should write this early.  Remember DC hears the voice of the universe through the toilet. Now if you seriously hear the voice of the universe through your toilet, you can’t really use it for its intended purpose. So now, poor DC is a regular visitor at the corner gas station. I imagine his visits might go something like this —

“Hey, Bubba.”

“Hey, DC,” the man behind the counter said, without looking up from his newspaper.

“Brought my own,” I said, waving a roll of TP, a long stream threading the air after me.

“Good boy. Weathers good today,” Bubba continued, with his soft southern drawl.

“Hey, do you have any red rhino?” It was my favorite power drink.

“Got a shipment last week.”

“Can I get a case?” I yelled from the men’s room, flushing the toilet.

“Sure. Planning a road trip?”

“Yep.”

“Voice of the Universe?”

“Yep.”

“Beef jerky, you need beef jerky for a road trip,” he stated more than asked, as I came to the counter case of red rhino in hand.

“No… Yes… No… Twelve Slim Jims.” I finally decided.

“Good choice.” Bubba loaded the beef jerky into a plastic bag. “Get the details before you leave,” he yelled, as I was leaving his face back in the paper.

“What?”

“Get all the details from your toilet. You never know when you’ll find one that resonates with the right frequency and wavelength. So get all the details before you leave.”

“Oh, yea thanks.” I started out the door. “How …?”

“You think you’re the only one who’s ever heard the Voice of the Universe.”

“No, I guess not.”

Read Full Post »

Voice of the Universe Installment 2

Posted in Fantasy/Scifi, Random, Writing, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , on September 29, 2010| 5 Comments »


Since there is a non-believer out there, I will continue with the idea the Voice of the Universe speaking through a toilet. I imagine this book would be in the style of Terry Pratchett of Discworld fame. In the previous installment, I explored the kind of character who would hear the voice. Here is DC talking to the toilet.

I sat in the bathroom floor at the appointed time, notebook and sharpie in hand waiting for the voice of the universe with his instructions.

Minutes ticked by. The minutes turned to hours. In an act I can only expain as boredom, I drained the water from the toilet and began drawing. The voice of the universe should have a face. Two eyes, a nose, the mouth was well obvious, and a moustache. I was just finishing the beard.

“I have a beard now? Seriously, the voice of the universe has a beard? What do you think I’m ZZ Top?” A rumbling voice echoed from the toilet.

“You’re late,” I replied.

“So I’m a few minutes late.”

“Minutes? Try hours.”

“In the span of the universe, you’re lucky I got here this decade. You think the voice of the universe doesn’t have things to do? A train wreck in Nepal, a tsunami off of the coast of New Zealand, the merger of Google and Yahoo, and that’s just on planet. Meteors colliding, suns burning out prematurely. You think  I don’t have things to take care of?”

“Yea, okay. I’m sorry.” I felt like self center bastard. “Which was it?”

“What?”

“Train wreck, tsunami, meteor, sun, what?”

“I was playing botchy ball with the Guardian of the Moon.”

“What?”

“I was down by two.”

“And so I waited?” I was tempted to flush.

“You think the voice of the universe isn’t competitive? I’m very competitive. It’s how I got this gig. Now, let’s get down to business. I don’t have all century here.”

…

I imagine poor DC would be sent on some adventure to save the world or perhaps the very universe.

Read Full Post »

« Newer Posts