Deidra Alexander's Blog

Since there is a non-believer out there, I will continue with the idea the Voice of the Universe speaking through a toilet. I imagine this book would be in the style of Terry Pratchett of Discworld fame. In the previous installment, I explored the kind of character who would hear the voice. Here is DC talking to the toilet.

I sat in the bathroom floor at the appointed time, notebook and sharpie in hand waiting for the voice of the universe with his instructions.

Minutes ticked by. The minutes turned to hours. In an act I can only expain as boredom, I drained the water from the toilet and began drawing. The voice of the universe should have a face. Two eyes, a nose, the mouth was well obvious, and a moustache. I was just finishing the beard.

“I have a beard now? Seriously, the voice of the universe has a beard? What do you think I’m ZZ Top?” A rumbling voice echoed from the toilet.

“You’re late,” I replied.

“So I’m a few minutes late.”

“Minutes? Try hours.”

“In the span of the universe, you’re lucky I got here this decade. You think the voice of the universe doesn’t have things to do? A train wreck in Nepal, a tsunami off of the coast of New Zealand, the merger of Google and Yahoo, and that’s just on planet. Meteors colliding, suns burning out prematurely. You think  I don’t have things to take care of?”

“Yea, okay. I’m sorry.” I felt like self center bastard. “Which was it?”

“What?”

“Train wreck, tsunami, meteor, sun, what?”

“I was playing botchy ball with the Guardian of the Moon.”

“What?”

“I was down by two.”

“And so I waited?” I was tempted to flush.

“You think the voice of the universe isn’t competitive? I’m very competitive. It’s how I got this gig. Now, let’s get down to business. I don’t have all century here.”

…

I imagine poor DC would be sent on some adventure to save the world or perhaps the very universe.