Posted in art, comedian, comic, humor, life, photography, sarcasm, Uncategorized on October 16, 2015| 5 Comments »
Posted in alcohol, art, comedian, comic, humor, life, photography, sarcasm, short story, Uncategorized, Writing on October 9, 2015| 8 Comments »
Posted in comedian, comic, humor, life, photography, sarcasm on September 11, 2015| 18 Comments »
Posted in alcohol, anxiety, depression, health, life, mental health on May 8, 2015| 13 Comments »
Last night I made myself lie down and close my eyes.
These last few weeks I haven’t thought about sleep until the sun is coming up. I don’t want to stop to think, not even for sleep. Keep your mind busy.
Play another game.
Watch another show.
What’s on YouTube?
Read the news.
Who’s killing who?
Has Greece sunk beneath the sea of it’s debt yet.
Wait for exhaustion.
When the light starts to peek through the trees. I know I won’t have to think when I finally stop to sleep.
Instead, tonight I lay in the dark, my jaw stiff. Listening to my teeth grinding. I dreamed of a debate about an illness sweeping the world. We had the cure. It could be sprayed in the air and we would all be saved. But there was an insane deliberation about harming the environment. We could save everyone but did nothing instead.
I feel better today. I’ll exercise and shower. I’m going to get back to good someday soon. I hope I can find the right road.
Posted in anxiety, depression, life, mental health on May 7, 2015| 35 Comments »
I woke up this morning, my head is pounding and all I can think is I’m going to die. I must have been clinching my jaws, neck and shoulders. I’ve been off my routine since I got back from seeing the ex. It’s hard to keep up this game – exercise, food, schedule, medication. Why is happiness so difficult?
I knew last night when I went to bed I was going to smother in my sleep. I was 100% positive and I went to sleep anyway. I’m going to be dead in the next few days, I can feel it.
There’s another bit of my mind that knows it isn’t true. “You’re off your meds. Just get back on your routine.” My face aches, my head is pounding and I just don’t do it.
Dead in days, dead in days. It keeps echoing in the silence. That chant and the whirring of the ceiling fan, it’s all I hear.
I’m off my routine. I know I should get up and start. Get up. NOW! GET UP! But I keep staring at the ceiling.
Posted in anxiety, divorce, family, health, life, love, mental health, tagged family, life, mental state on March 13, 2015| 24 Comments »
He’s breathing on his own. Thank you for all of your prayers and good thoughts. It’s an amazing turn around. Just a few days ago the doctor was surprised he made it through the night and now he’s sitting up.
I’ve been racked with anxiety since I made the decision to come see him. I’ve been nauseous. Eating makes me sick and not eating makes me sick. We didn’t part on good terms. I still don’t know how his family feels about me. (I’m staying close to the hospital, so I’m able to check in early and late, missing most of my in-laws.)
He’s been married and divorce since I last saw him. What will I say? Thoughts kept rolling through my head. I love him, but I don’t LOVE, love him. I wouldn’t mind being friends, but it might be too late for that.
I checked with one of my nephews and he said I should come and seem him. I don’t want you to think I pushed myself on him without taking his feelings into consideration.
Some of his buddies were in the room when I entered. I barely recognized him. He looks old, perhaps the illness has taken its toll. He’s had some hair loss and what’s left is white. He’s gained a lot of weight, some of that’s probably fluid.
When we were in the middle of our divorce and everything was so ugly, I imagined seeing him again. This wasn’t far from my fantasy. “I’m still looking young and you are old. Was she worth it?” I would say. (Of course she would look old too.) He would fall to the floor and tell me how sorry he was and I wouldn’t care. I would reply with various snide comments. “Should have thought of that before you left me for your mother.” (She looks like his mother.)
So what did I choose to say? Something amazingly insightful? Perhaps even a little biting. No. I said, “Hey what’s up? I thought you were going to dance on my grave. You’ve got to get it together. I’m depending on you.”
He chuckled. His friends chuckled and then the conversation turned back to chasing women. The reason we split up in the first place.
The doctors have scheduled him for open heart surgery tomorrow. He’s still in intensive care, but I’m optimistic. Tomorrow I’ll see his family. But for now, I’m going to go gnaw on some crackers and sip Sprite.
Deidra Alexander's Blog 