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Archive for the ‘humor’ Category


10 Things I have been known to say to or about my arch-nemesis

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Hey, is hateful on a stick here yet?

If we say my arch-nemesis’s name backwards babies cry, mirrors shatter & volcanoes erupt.

I spoke to your people through a ouija board and they’re ok doing it my way.

Will your crows be sitting on my car when I leave today?

I’m afraid her winged monkeys will snatch me away. How did she get out from under that house anyway?

I have to send a document to my arch nemesis for review. She’s in a different time zone, so I’m waiting until it’s after hours in the inner ring of hell.

The demoness is not to be trifled with. I heard she was divorced. I didn’t know you could divorce the devil.

Someone tell the wicked witch I don’t have her ruby slippers.

The devil’s handmaiden is back and in full force. She’s been refreshed by a cup full of hell fire & brimstone.

The guardian of the gates of hell scared the devil so she’s back early from her vacation.

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Is this what they call a Lunch and Learn?

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sleeping princess woman

I’m lying on the exam table in my doctor’s office the Wednesday before my wedding. The room seems bleary through my watery eyes. It probably smells like antiseptic, but how would I know my nose has been stuffed up for four days now.

No amount of NyQuil has helped me. I have a raging head cold. With only three days to go before my wedding, I’m seeking professional help.

The door pops open. My doctor is reading my chart when she looks at me, doing a double take.

“Oh, you very ugly for your wedding,” she says. “You’re nose all red. Watch you going to do?”

I blink not once, not twice, but three times. “I don’t know, go to my doctor.”

Ugly indeed.

 

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so you skipped class on spelling test

I think tattoo artists should take an oath. I solemnly swear to tell my customers when they have misspelled a word instead of laughing inside and letting them leave my shop looking like a fool.

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Top 14 Reasons I hate 8 a.m.

elephant step

I hate 8 a.m. because

People are stupid at 8am again.

People are smart asses at 8am.

People are grouchy. I know I’m people.

My eyes refuse to focus.

Perky people want me to kill them.

People are too loud.

The light it too loud.

My lung and the air are not speaking to each other yet.

The world hasn’t tilted back on its axis yet from the night before.

It makes me nausaus.

My password doesn’t work right the first time.

It comes way before 10.

I hate driving at 8 am because idiots wreck at 7:30.

I could like an 8 a.m. meeting if it wasn’t for the 8 a.m. part.

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kitten birds

You bait them in and I’ll handle the rest!

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