I love paper – old books, pretty patterns, and foreign magazines. I rescue broken books and posters from the garbage heap. And then they’re all just here and I don’t do anything with them. Tonight I have the urge to rip them all apart; keep the best parts; shuffle them around; and bind them back together, making something different.
It’s this souped up hyper feeling and all I can think about is tearing into these books. It’s an itch you can’t scratch. Why can’t I get some obsessive urge to do something positive? Will I spend the next three days ripping up books to find myself surrounded by piles of paper?
Already I know this feeling will be followed by a round of anxiety and then exhausted depression. That part I’m afraid of. If I knew I would wind up with something; a great novel, a painting, or some break through research, I would plunge ahead, depression be damned.
Maybe just tonight under the cover of darkness I’ll free some pages from their old bindings. I’ll take my medicine and in the morning I’ll try to redirect myself in a positive direction.
My thoughts are with you. I can rip up some of my old phone books for you if it would help.
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You have phonebooks? I don’t think we get those anymore.
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Take a Deep Breath stretch your arms above your head and slowly lower
Them exhaling as you do think of all the chaotic thoughts evading your body.
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Another good idea. I think I need some kind of meditation.
Thanks.
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You are acheiving greatness, by your blog 😀
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Thank you, Kimber. You are so kind.
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I love your header.
Have you considered putting the books in a box? Do you have one big enough?
Decorate the box somehow.
Or, box up the books and give them away?
❤ ❤ ❤
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I removed all the bindings, rounded the corners and reassembled.
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Do some collage work with the pieces make something beautiful out of the broken pieces.
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Great idea. Thanks.
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I’ve always enjoyed your pithy writing. I think I will be in the minority here at least as far as the books are concerned. You’ve collected them or as you “rescued” them. To my mind this is the key point ~ not the books themselves.
Now you have all these books with nothing “positive” to do with them? If you give into the compulsion to rip them up in a manic way you’ll only succeed in generating depression.
On the other hand anything you do with them could be “positive”. It all depends on you. My response is to set yourself aside as best you can and just look at the books and see what is there. Not the material objects but the piece of you they come from. Then you’ll know exactly what to do with them.
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I wound up removing the bindings and making several new books with different pages from each book. They’re now mixed up storybooks.
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I think writing like this has got to help. Before you do a compulsive act write how it might make you feel after you have done it. Then once you write how it may make you feel you can decide to do it or not. Example: I am going to consume way too many Wavy Lays potato chips. I will then look at the bag and be disgusted with myself in how few there are of them left. I’ll call myself a name and will want to get rid of them. Now that I have written it down I’m going to decide to leave the chips alone.
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Good idea, John. Thanks.
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Header is different and nice . Take care
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Thank you.
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When I tear things up, I try to go back and make something new out of them. I am always tearing and cutting, before I know what I want. Completed whole things are not materials for creative acts. Creativity comes from inspiration, and some of that inspiration comes from destruction. You have clear a space and create some materials. Destruction is sometimes the only way.
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I wound up creating some books of mixed up stories. These were pages from different story books.
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How nice of you to read my little mission log. I thought no one was, anymore. Thank you! I’m sorry you’re having difficulties. Everyone does, now and then. My solution was plenty of sunlight, and finding a series of tasks that I loved doing, because I certainly didn’t like what I was doing at the time. Beating depression means changing your patterns of thought and behavior, as you already know.
A friend of a friend does the same thing you do… she finds old books, newspapers, dictionaries, magazines, catalogs, etc. (mostly from the 1850s-1950s) that have water damage, mold or are otherwise not worth anything. She tears them up, and makes little paper collage-y things like bookmarks, ornaments, greeting cards, etc. They’re all pastel, often with pictures of girls’ or womens’ faces from old newspaper or catalog advertising, embellished with bits of curled wire or little plastic gems or curled paper cuttings. They sell quite well at craft shows. She displays them on a Christmas tree made out of chicken wire, and she clips her paper creations to them. Anyway, I was trying to think of something constructive you can do with your tearing fetish. Then again, if you’re like Jackson Pollock, it’s more the process of tearing that you’re into, than the assembly of the pieces into something different. And there’s nothing wrong with that. And at least you’re destroying something harmless and doing it harmlessly, rather than harming yourself.
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That’s some great ideas. Maybe I can make some cash with my trash. Thanks, Marvin (my favorite Martian).
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Collages. Papier Mâché. Bookmarks. Vision boards. Shelf paper. Cards. Yes, I said cards. Does anyone even make cards anymore?
{YES! I do. I send well-written letters in actual envelopes with actual stamps too. Email be damned! Well, sometimes.}
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That’s so cool. Do you post your work?
Thanks.
Dee
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I live in an area where people throw out books in cardboard boxes the night before garbage day, so they’re just sitting there crying out to be rescued. Once I get past my pride I get down on my knees and sort thru them. End result is that the house is bulging with books! And I don’t have the heart to toss them into the recycle bin. Good thing is that my book buying from secondhand stores and dollar tables has dropped down to almost nil. But still, what to do with all this old school data?
You’re not the only one… We all have our oddities… 🙂
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Hi Michael,
Good to know. You should like a kindred spirit.
Thanks.
Dee
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Gorgeous image!
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Thank you.
Dee
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Make a guest mattress out of them the absorbent easy reads on the top and the incomprehensible hard ones at the bottom stuff the middle with whatever then turn the mattress when someone outstays their welcome!
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LOL Great idea.
Thanks.
Dee
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Totally understand that urge to rip up pages. My therapist had some old phone books that I enjoyed ripping up one day…whatever it was, was released. Your post was wonderfully honest, and I’m betting a lot of people have felt or feel this way sometimes. 🙂
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Hi Alexis,
I think you’re right. There’s something cathartic in doing something like that.
Thanks.
Dee
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Depression and anxiety are double edged swords when it comes to writing (in my ken). On one hand they can be so detrimental to progress, but then sometimes they can push you to over exert to outrun those thoughts of “not good enough” and “not enough time I HAVE to work on this now!” and the always great “why am I such a failure! I’m not trying HARD enough.” It’s all untrue but you (I) believe it. I actually took a step back and wrote out some of the core foundations of these thoughts. It helped. I hope you find a technique that works for you ❤️
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Thanks for the idea. I appreciate your suggestions.
Dee
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Some positive things you can do;
Glue them together into an attractive coffee table.
Pile them up as high as possible – use ladder if needed. Preferably in front of the building where you live. Then videotape the reactions of people that pass by.
If you have a rear-wheel drive car, put them in the trunk for extra traction during those slippery winter driving days.
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Thanks for the great suggestions.
Dee
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I think giving those stories new life through their destruction and rebirth sounds like a very cleansing thing rather than anxiety inducing. The destruction may be violent but the subsequent intake of breath and piecing together of parts sounds like a sort of baptism. Damn, I’m hella insightful. Well, until the end there.
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You should be a head shrink.
Thanks.
Dee
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I like the idea. Incredibly creative. I think you should do it.
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It’s been done. I couldn’t resist.
Thanks.
Dee
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I love making my own magazine with pages ive ripped out! i have a binder i keep all of the project ideas and inspirational pictures in. truly its all of the best bits ive collected over the years i love it! 🙂
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That’s a great idea. Saves space too.
Thanks.
Dee
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Thanks for saying! anytime! 🙂
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The urge to save or upcycle something beautiful is noble. The problem is there are so many artefacts, situations, relationships, creatures, that would benefit from such compassionate attention. It may result in inertia and a feeling of helplessness. I like lists: a morning plan that gives me achievable tasks to work on. Was very good at being employed, but self employment is difficult because there’s only self-direction. Mindfulness – doing something lovely – helps. For me, it’s walking by the sea. Anxiety doesn’t solve problems, so there’s justification in taking a break from it.
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I use to make so many lists, I had lists of lists to keep them all straight.
I need to start making lists again. I’m afraid of forgetting to do things.
Thanks. for the comment.
Dee
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With me it is recipes – I have several hundred cookbooks and I still print recipes off the net. Why don’t I save them into my recipe program? I don’t know, I just like to see them on paper. I don’t even make them all. Maybe I should mix them all up in binders and make eclectic cookbooks! Thanks, you have given me some busy work – I need that when my muscle spasms won’t let me sleep! And thanks for the follow!
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There is something satisfying with being surrounded by my thoughts.
Thanks for the comment.
Dee
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I love the way you talk about books it is so poetic! It just made me fantasize about an adventure like the book/movie the page master. I love it and it makes me long to get off work in so I can curl up with my book. I always prefer the physical books to ereaders and audio books though I have recently learned their appeal when I was very harshly against them for so long.
I have nominated you for the liebster award https://myastheniagravisladycas.wordpress.com/2016/07/15/the-liebster-award/ should you choose to accept it please follow the link above and ENJOY! 🙂
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I didn’t consider my writing as poetic. Thank you for the kind comment and award.
Dee
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It is very much that it just spoke to me! I was so whimsical and the imagery was so vivid and it was very poetic in nature and made me want to just pick up a book right then and there and curl up in a window sill or a huge overstuffed chair and read all day.
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Thank you very much for following my blog – much appreciated 🙂
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Hi Viole,
You’re very welcome.
Dee
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Wow–I can so relate. I have OCD myself. I wrote so much more prolifically and creatively before I began taking Anafranil (clomipramine)–and before I resumed it after taking less effective OCD meds. But I also became too submerged in my stories–to the point that I lost my objectivity, and had anxiety attacks upon returning to reality when I finished writing them.
This is why writing nonfiction is better for me–it keeps me grounded.
There is a myth about obsession that everyone should recognize as just a myth; everyone with or without OCD:
If you’re obsessed with something, shallow, stupid people will tell you that your obsession proves it’s nothing to be the slightest bit concerned about. They’ll tell you this because they’re too ignorant, apathetic, and complacent to be the slightest bit concerned about it–and when they knowingly suffer the consequences of it (when they finally feel the pain of the fire that you’ve felt for a long time) it will be too late for them. They’ll also tell you this because they are just intelligent enough to know you’re right in being concerned at all–and their consciences are urging them to be the least bit concerned. They don’t want to be the least bit concerned about anything (not to mention do anything about anything)–because they don’t want to think. They hate thinking–it distracts them from their Digital-Age pacifiers (cellphones and smartphones)–which distract them from everything (and everyone) else.
So when people tell you that your obsession with something proves it’s nothing to be the slightest bit concerned about, remember this line from a Nirvana song:
“Just because you’re paranoid don’t mean they’re not after you.”
And apply it against their totally illogical logic regarding your obsession.
Just because you’re obsessed with something don’t mean it’s nothing to be the slightest bit concerned about.
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