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Archive for the ‘life’ Category


Taking Fake Book Covers by Comedian Scott Rogowsky

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Check out his videos on YouTube.

Here’s one to get you started

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wily coyote strikes again.

The construction company’s name was Acme and the project manager was named Wiley Coyote. (Sometimes I think I work here.)

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90 (4)

Dear Kitten,

My paintbrushes are not kitty chew toys. Please stop taking them from the jar on my desk.

Dear Kitten,

Please stop lying on my freshly painted work. I know “up” is your favorite place. But I put them “up” high so you wouldn’t get to them.

Dear Kitten,

Though the paints are nontoxic, I don’t think you should drink the rinse water. Does it really taste that great?

Dear Kitten,

When I went to answer the phone that was not permission for you to walk on my stamp pad and then across my desk.

Dear Kitten,

When I woke up this morning and you were sleeping with your head on the pillow next to mine, I forgot all the annoying things you did yesterday.

 

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389

Could this be the future?

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21 (11)

I loves me a cowboy.

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48 (16)

I have a co-worker I like to refer to as Miss Positivity. When I’m ranting and raving about someone whose causing me issues, she days, “You never know what’s going on in her life. She might be having issues.”

I tried to get her to say something bad about someone.

Nope.

So I asked, “What about a serial killing cannibal?”

To which she replied, “You never know, he might have a vitamin deficiency.”

Tell that to the people in his freezer.

 

 

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work out

If you can’t walk up it, I don’t think you can roll up it.

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green jewel

Shapeless lumps of teeth and flesh surround me, clawing and biting at my arms. Their talons are careful not to tear the green, Grecian gown I wear. Together we rise slowly from the pit.

A great flash of light.

I drop to a crouch, hugging my knees to my chest. The creatures ignite falling in columns of ash around me.

I wake to blazing lights cutting across the sky, punctuated by a barrage of thunder. The storm rages outside and I am sweat drenched in bed.

If I could paint the images in my head. The cavernous hall, filled with sights and words I cannot banish. I try to chase the ravens from my window sill, but they always return wanting more.

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Pet the kitty!

457

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53 (9)

Hey Maybelle, the dish needs adjusting.

Why me?

Because you’re in charge of dishes.

I’ve been thinking again. This time about tourettes. I worked with a guy who had tourettes, but he only twitched when he got nervous. He didn’t yell out random obscenities. I thought he should just for fun. I would.

I would begin all meetings with –

“I want to apologize in advance. I have tourettes. When I get nervous I may say a few inappropriate words or phrase. Which can quickly snowball since my nerves will increase the more words I say.”

Then at some point I’ll break in with –

“Holy crap.

Damn it.

Turkey butt.

Sorry ass.

Son of a bitch.

Can those peaches, honey buns!

Sorry my Grandpa was a frugal man.”

And thus would end the meeting on a high note.

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