Posted in humor, tagged author, comedian, comedy, family. job, funny, humor, humour, job, laugh, life, writer, writing on November 11, 2011| 14 Comments »
I got to work and people where talking to me like I care.
I thought Holy Crap, I must have gotten sucked into an alternate universe where “I” care!
But if I’m here, the me that cares must be in my world screwing everything up. Holy Crap, suddenly I cared. Then I got so freakin’ confused I didn’t care anymore.
Okay, I’m good now.
Images courtesy Rodrigo Lazzarini.
Posted in humor, shopping, tagged author, comedian, comedy, family. job, funny, humor, humour, job, laugh, life, writer, writing on November 4, 2011| 27 Comments »
My house was built in 1964. The duck wallpaper doesn’t scream old-world, it screams strip me and the nineteen layer under me. At what point does dirt and dust turn the corner and become patina?
Furniture refinishing instructions have a step that goes something like this. Now rub the fake dirt on it so it looks old.
I think I’ll just wait for the real dirt. My problem, the real dirt never looks as good as the fake dirt.
Images courtesy Rodrigo Lazzarini.
Posted in family, Fantasy/Scifi, humor, tagged author, comedian, comedy, family. job, funny, humor, humour, job, laugh, life, writer, writing on October 15, 2011| 172 Comments »
My Aunt Sophie was the hip, single aunt my parents were always lecturing. What I remember most was when Aunt Sophie would stop by at night and come into my room to tell a bedtime story, usually a twisted version of a fairy tale.
She would perch on the bench by the open window. Cigarette in one hand, blowing smoke outside. My parents, non-smokers would have kicked her bleached blond, mini skirt wearing butt if they had known.
Cinderella went to the ball alright, but wound up making out with Prince Charming in some closet somewhere. Aunt Sophie would toss her hair and stare out into the night, smiling.
I imagine now most of the “fairy tales” she told were actually taken from her single dating life. It was after all the 70’s.
Looking back on Aunt Sophie’s stories there’s one thing I find mildly disturbing, the story she told me about Snow White seducing the dwarfs? I try not to think about that one too much. If she was Cinderella, she was probably Snow White too.
Images courtesy Rodrigo Lazzarini.
Posted in humor, tagged author, comedian, comedy, family. job, funny, humor, humour, job, laugh, life, writer, writing on October 8, 2011| 25 Comments »
Whenever my fellow writers and I visit other author organizations, invariably they have us each stand, give our names and our genre. My friends always go first. They’re all sweet and genteel and wouldn’t consider saying anything untoward.
“I write regency.”
“I write inspirational.”
“I write paranormal.”
And then they come to me. You should know this, but I’ll tell you just in case you haven’t realized, I can’t be normal or demure.
“I write …. Prehistoric Erotica. I have two titles out. Once You Go Rhino You Never Go Back to Dino and Is That a Brontosaur Bone Under Your Loin Cloth or Are You Just Glad to See Me?”
This always creates a disruptive moment when cell phones are whipped out to search for the aforementioned titles with no success. So when I saw these images by Rodrigo Lazzarini, I knew it was perfect for my someday project. The Bones of Yesterday Chronicles.
Posted in humor, tagged author, comedian, comedy, family. job, funny, humor, humour, job, laugh, life, writer, writing on October 3, 2011| 2 Comments »
Ran into Gert again, the 80 year old chain smoking erotica author. I asked her about her work.
“Yea, I was writing erotica back when it came in brown paper bags.” She tossed the lime and salt aside and down a tequila shot straight. The only way I got her to let me interview her was to challenge her to a tequila shot contest.
I drank my shot, wincing. “So you’ve been writing about people in love for a long time?”
“No, I’ve been writing about people having heart stopping sex for a long time. Write what you know and this I know.” She blew a succession of smoke rings. “Ready for another.” She was already two shots ahead.
“Sure.” I gagged on another.
She grabbed my lime and tossed it to the bar tender. “When do you get off handsome?”
“And you’ve been successful.” I tried to draw her back to the conversation.
“It’s no Harry Potter, but I’ve gone ok. Which reminds me my next title is coming out – Gordan and His Little Wizard.”
I don’t remember much after the fifth shot. I woke up on an old sofa with lint stuck to my face.
I don’t know if I learned a lesson, other than don’t try to out drink an 80 year old chain smoking, whiskey drinking, man hunting author.
Posted in humor, tagged author, comedian, comedy, family. job, funny, humor, humour, job, laugh, life, writer, writing on September 27, 2011| 2 Comments »
This morning there was an ambulance and a fire truck at my neighbor’s house. There wasn’t a fire, so the truck must have just gone along for the ride. I understand sending an ambulance with a fire truck, but not a fire truck with an ambulance. I’m hoping the guys in the ambulance know CPR and the rest of the medical stuff. Maybe the fire truck guys were hoping for spontaneous combustion.
Posted in Uncategorized, tagged author, comedian, comedy, family. job, funny, humor, humour, job, laugh, life, writer, writing on August 16, 2011| 3 Comments »
In the golden times, Cain and Naalan, the fallen angel, lived amongst us. I was yet born, but I have heard the old tales of how we roamed freely, known and feared by the children of Abel and Seth. We were beset with betrayal and disease. We lost many of our kind. Knowledge of our existence was relegated to legend. There are some who say we will rise again to claim our place as rulers over the humans. I am Fiona member of the Eliden tribe of Cain.
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