Posted in art, comedian, entertainment, humor, life, Personal, sarcasm, short story, Uncategorized, writer, Writing, tagged funny on June 27, 2016| 26 Comments »
I have a co-worker I like to refer to as Miss Positivity. When I’m ranting and raving about someone whose causing me issues, she days, “You never know what’s going on in her life. She might be having issues.”
I tried to get her to say something bad about someone.
Nope.
So I asked, “What about a serial killing cannibal?”
To which she replied, “You never know, he might have a vitamin deficiency.”
Tell that to the people in his freezer.
Posted in art, comedian, comic, entertainment, humor, life, photography, Uncategorized, tagged funny on June 24, 2016| 42 Comments »
Posted in animals, art, comedian, entertainment, humor, life, photography, sarcasm, Uncategorized, writer, Writing, tagged animals on June 22, 2016| 31 Comments »
Posted in anxiety, art, books, comedian, comic, entertainment, fantasy, Fiction, flash fiction, humor, immigration, life, literature, mental health, photography, sarcasm, short story, writer, Writing, tagged entertainment on June 21, 2016| 16 Comments »
Hey Maybelle, the dish needs adjusting.
Why me?
Because you’re in charge of dishes.
I’ve been thinking again. This time about tourettes. I worked with a guy who had tourettes, but he only twitched when he got nervous. He didn’t yell out random obscenities. I thought he should just for fun. I would.
I would begin all meetings with –
“I want to apologize in advance. I have tourettes. When I get nervous I may say a few inappropriate words or phrase. Which can quickly snowball since my nerves will increase the more words I say.”
Then at some point I’ll break in with –
“Holy crap.
Damn it.
Turkey butt.
Sorry ass.
Son of a bitch.
Can those peaches, honey buns!
Sorry my Grandpa was a frugal man.”
And thus would end the meeting on a high note.
Posted in art, comedian, comic, humor, life, photography, Uncategorized, tagged funny on June 17, 2016| 9 Comments »
Posted in anxiety, art, books, comedian, comic, entertainment, fantasy, Fiction, flash fiction, humor, life, mental health, photography, sarcasm, short story, writer, Writing, tagged author on June 16, 2016| 51 Comments »
“It’s a beautiful day…” Argh!
Do you ever get songs stuck in your head?
I have a few songs that I seem to cycle through. When I try to stop one another begins.
My usual “… I need you baby and if it’s quite alright I need you baby until the morning light. I need you baby trust in me when I say …” over and over. And I don’t even know the rest of the words.
An oldie She’ll be Coming Round the Mountain When She Comes, three verses. Are you kidding me? I know three verses of that song. Must be deeply embedded from my childhood. (verses two and three if anyone is curious – she’ll be driving six white horses and we’ll all go out to meet her…)
And drum roll please. This morning’s song – It’s a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood from Sesame Street. No. No, it’s not beautiful day in the neighborhood because that song is stuck in my head!
Posted in art, comedian, entertainment, humor, life, love, photography, Uncategorized, writer, Writing on June 15, 2016| 7 Comments »
Posted in art, books, chick lit, comedian, comic, entertainment, Fiction, flash fiction, humor, life, literature, photography, sarcasm, short story, Uncategorized, writer, Writing, tagged life on June 14, 2016| 18 Comments »
“I can’t let little Billy chew gum. He keeps swallowing it,” one of my friends, Anna said picking through her cob salad, no bacon, no onions, no eggs, no cheese, no ham, no croutons, dressing on the side.
I know what’s left, right?
“That’s so unhealthy,” Barbara, another of my friends agreed. She was still moving her plain chicken breast and broccoli around her plate.
Tammy was eating a “hamburger” sans the bread, ketchup, mustard, mayo, pickles and cheese.
They were all on a diet of some sort: Anna low fat, Barbara low carb and Tammy paleo.
“You know it takes a month to digest,” Tammy said.
“I know,” Anna agreed.
Barbara nodded.
The waitress set my second margarita in front of me. I was on the liquid diet, my favorite. “Seriously?” I exclaimed, loudly. I did say it was my second margarita, extra tequila. “You believe that?”
They and half the restaurant turned to look at me.
Anna rolled her eyes, “Didn’t we ban her from her tequila diet last summer?”
“You believe that gum sits in your stomach without digesting for a month? Oh my God, you have got to be kidding me.”
“Yeah, I think I’m remembering why.” Barbara whispered to Anna sighing.
“I can tell you for a fact that isn’t true,” I continued. “If chewing gum didn’t digest for a month, swallowing gum would be a cheap form of bariatric surgery. I’d swallow a whole pack every wee. It doesn’t stay in your stomach forever.”
“I love her on this diet.” Tammy laughed, hailing the waitress. “She’s about ready for her third.
(Based on a real life conversation. After that much tequila, you know who you are.)
Posted in art, comedian, entertainment, family, humor, life, nephew, photography, sarcasm, the pistol, Uncategorized, writer, Writing, tagged family on June 13, 2016| 20 Comments »
My nephew, the Pistol is five and in kindergarten. He brings home a folder everyday in which the teacher puts a smiley or frowny face and my sister is required to sign it.
When my sister asked for the folder, the Pistol said, “That folder is filled with lies, written by a liar.”
Of course it was a frowny face and read, the Pistol pulled his pants down and sat on a table.
When questioned further, the Pistol replied, “No, I pulled my pants down, then up and then sat on the table.”
His teacher told my sister not to worry about it. It’ll be better once he’s moved to the gifted program.
What the teacher really meant – “Don’t worry about it. It’ll be better once he’s out of my class.”
Posted in animals, anxiety, books, comedian, comic, entertainment, fantasy, Fantasy/Scifi, Fiction, flash fiction, humor, life, literature, Personal, photography, sarcasm, short story, writer, Writing, tagged travel on June 9, 2016| 27 Comments »
(I know it’s not a flying horse. Use your imagination.)
Instead of falling asleep last night, I was wondering if Pegasus was a flying horse. As in the only flying horse or a species of flying horses. I pondered that for quite a while before thinking, “God should have made some of those”.
If there were flying horses, would anyone have bothered to invent airplanes or would they have just been off flying around on their horses?
Would I have flown to Baltimore on my horse this week? And what kind of apparel would we need for horse flying? My outfit would have been red, linen, matching the trim on my flying horses saddle and the ribbons braided in his hair. Yeah with white pompoms on his wing covers. (It was raining, so yeah I said wing covers.)
Would there be horse flying sports and recreations? Would hotels have flying horse stables?
That’s about the time I realized one of us didn’t take our medication to stop obsessive thoughts. No wonder one of us wasn’t falling asleep.
P.S. I had an anxiety attack on the airplane and was nauseous all day long. I bet I wouldn’t have been anxious riding my flying horse.
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