First, I’ve released my blog for Kindle in which I will include extra humiliate of myself and family in an effort to get my furnace fixed.
First and foremost, the goals is to make those pesky onesies wish they were twosies. Here are some tried and true methods to aid in that quest.
If your singles are resistant to the process, remind them of how happy it would make their dearly departed parent, grandparent, Aunt and/or pet.
You’ll need to take special care with your females. Remember they aren’t getting any younger. Force them to cook a dish which you can push onto eligible males. Note: Have an exact duplicate ready to switch in the event hers turns out tasting like paste and well you know it will.
Counsel females on allowing their male counterparts to win all games, not singing carols with her Porky Pig voice, and using restrain when throwing snowballs, not that it will help.
You must unload your unattached relatives on every eligible member of the opposite sex, including second cousins as they are still legal in some states. Don’t forget to push your male relatives’ careers or sensitivity, which ever is more applicable. And finally if your female relative is owning property, be sure to point that out to all candidates and their Mommas. Nothing helps like a good, old-fashioned dowry.
(Picture to be added later.)
Haha, don’t get me started on the dowries. From where I’m for they’re the worst boon when it comes to getting married.
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If I have to pay someone to take me we’ll be waiting forever.
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On my, sounds like you had an interesting holiday. Oooo to have been a fly on the wall.
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If you’re a single fly they would have found you.
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too funny!!!
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Only because it’s so true. 🙂
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Your posts are always very entertaining!
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Thank you very much.
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So true, but the only thing worse than pesky singles, is a pesky ‘In-Law’ – trust me on this…
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So you would be the vote for RUN!!
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Oh Christ! I hate it when they start with the same old questionnaire:
So, do you have a boyfriend yet?
When are you getting married?
But, do you go out at all?
How come you’re still single?
Are you seeing anyone?
Bluagh!
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LOL I’m with ya, Chickadee.
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Mmmm… second cousins! 😛
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This comes once they’ve lost all hope for you.
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What do you do with us peskie onesies who are quite content being onesies? I’m one of those onesies who decided not to find a hermitage and ponder the unfairness of it all all… indeed, I now fear that if I become a twosie again too soon my social life will suffer 😉
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Then you are the ones my Aunts would like the best, kicking and screaming, highly resistance. Look out for the blue haired ones.
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Ah, the ones with the great personalities. But, please remember there is always a reason why they are still single…One more bit of advice to the single ladies… Don’t touch the remote.. And to the fellows, if she’s right, she’s right, and if she’s wrong, keep your mouth shut, it’s not worth the fight. lol Very funny post. Thanks.
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Remote advice is well taken. I think the ladies are supposed to pretend to agree with everything that comes out of the male’s mouth. So that last bit of advice is more applicable to marriage survival. 🙂
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I am getting ready to put 100 cartoon book on kindle/amazon but what do you mean you put your blog on kindle?
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You can put your blog on Kindle like a magazine. I created a separate one for Kindle and people can subscribe to it and it will be downloaded to their Kindle whenever I post and they get the expanded version for .99 cents.
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Cute post!
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Thank you.
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You can also remind them how deliriously happy you are in your own relationship. If applicable.
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Yeah, it doesn’t come off so well if your scolding your better half in between coaching tips. 🙂
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Counseling the females to learn some tried and true cliches in the guys favorite sports like, “Throw a flag! “I want to see a replay” or “He really tatoo’ed him” after a big hit goes a long way too. I coached my wife on these sayings on the first induction to a family holiday with my family and she still continues to thrive!
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I always go with ‘Get up you baby. I don’t see any blood or bones.’ or ‘Call me if someone starts bleeding.’
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I hope other people find your blog post listed here as helpful as I have. I run a weblog myself and would be pleased for you or the readers on your own website to check out. Please go ahead and read through my site just like I have with your own and leave a remark or two if you discover anything interesting. Thank you.
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I’m sure this gentleman’s blog is really clever. So if you read Taiwanese, I highly recommend it. Otherwise, it has a colorful picture I thought was nice.
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My Mum says she always finds it helps if she tells them I don’t drink too much, own a car, and have a clean driving license! (I love my Mum!).
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Excellent advice on “not singing carols with her Porky Pig voice”! Almost nothing would put out the fires of my desire faster! Lol 🙂
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I can also sing You are so beautiful to me with my Elmer Fudd voice. Probably just as effective.
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No! No! No! Now THAT would be really funny and crack me up big time, and with me a woman who can make me laugh, is well… a woman who can make me… 😉
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Congrats on the Kindle part and very cute post!!
http://shoecloszet.com
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Thank you and thanks for the great shoes!
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Thanks for the like!! Very much appreciated!
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You are very welcome.
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Ok…I don’t know how you landed on my blog, but I’m glad you did –cuz this just made me laugh too many times.
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I use wordpress key words to cruise blogs of things I’m interested in. It’s one of the major things I do when I should be writing.
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It was easy to quash any efforts to “find” me happiness. I informed my father that if he wanted me married he would have to arrange it. He announced that I will most likely be single for the rest of my life. Lol! Congrats on the Kindle outlet, that is so totally awesome.
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Thank goodness that didn’t backfire on you. LOL
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-funny bc it is so true to many- been there mercy!!! lol
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Join the club.
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This post made me giggle. Of equal hilarity is the ensuing interrogation of the new (divorced) girlfriend of the youngest son by said son’s family upon the occasion of the first major family gathering. Congratulations on the Kindle and thanks for following me. Cheers.
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Yeah, what are holidays for if not to torture someone.
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Congrats on the Kindle outlet. Loved the article.
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Thank you. Glad you enjoyed.
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ROFL! I hate to break it to you, but it doesn’t stop once you become a “twosie”! then it moves on to “When are you having my grandbabies?” (Or in our case “Are you done yet?”)
And then, as you’re fully busy in said family that has now been pushed upon you, “Why don’t you ever call/visit/do anything with us?”
After the not-so-little ones move out it becomes “Now what are you going to do with yourself?” “What *have* (you have to say it with a certain tone of disdain as though you’ve been in a closet for the last 30 years) you been up too and why isn’t it in the news!”
So keep singing with your best Porky Pig voice – if it’s to happen – he’ll hear your mating call and you can finally give your parents all those little snorting grand piglets they’ve been bugging you about! (No one said they had to be human!)
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Snotty Piglets!! You rock!!
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I love your sense of humor! That is so like my ex’s family I couldn’t stop laughing. In their family two children was all there was in each family for five generations. I was forgiven for my third because, after two daughters, I had a son. When I was expecting my fourth child I was told I had too many children by my then father-in-law. I agreed with him and asked which child I should give away. As the mother I was too emotionally involved to decide so he would have to decide. After a great impression of a motor boat, he never again commented on the number of children we had. I now have six.
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Way to shut him down! Rock on!
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…and remember Ladies of the single set…in the event that all of the above match-making succeeds…you can always resort to iocane powder, no one the wiser.
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Good suggestion!
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We could have made our individual onesys a twosy and split the booty
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Good idea, I love booty!
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Your writing style is wonderful! I’ve nominated you for The Versatile Blogger award for you great posts and fiction. Follow link here for more info: http://thewitcontinuum.wordpress.com/2011/12/29/versatile-blogger-nominations/ So happy to have found you!
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Thank you for the nomination. My apologies ahead of time. I won’t be able to get to this until after the New Year.
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I have a pesky single niece. But she’s young yet, so I try not to annoy her about the onesie habit. Personally, I think a girl with a porky pig voice has an advantage, and so I will try to annoy her into developing one.
Thanks for liking my blog!
Maggie
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Or Elmer Fudd, Elmer Fudd can be used year round.
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HA!!!
You’ll be relieved to know that marriage to FIRST cousins is perfectly legal in most US states and all of Canada.
After all, dog breeders and aristocrats have been mating their first cousins for generations; fear not the two-headed baby, fear the sad state of spinsterhood that awaits your unattached relative should she remain single for too long.
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Oh that’s harsh. I like spinsters.
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oh durn. my above post was meant to be read with irony. Not sure what the emoticon for irony is.
a winky? 😉
was not meant to be harsh 😦
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Great post!! This Christmas I was so glad to welcome our onesie back home for the day, the celebration, and dinner sans her annoying and pitiful recently dumped her significant other. She is blossoming without the drama of it all. Singleness is far more attractive than unhappy tandemness.
Everyone of those “matchmakers” is secretly JEALOUS of your freedom. Embrace it. Once there is a piglet, you will never, ever, have that freedom again.
This being said by a mother of 4 and grandmother of 4. I love being a wife, mom, and grandmother. I am NOT the one ever trying to find a match for any of mine. There are advantages and disadvantages of either state.
Cheers,
Shez
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Yeah, could someone be happy the onesies even attended? (Hopefully, typed loudly enough for family members to hear.)
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Hello Deidra, I nominated you for the 7 X 7 Link award, check it out… 🙂 This is just timing for the New Year 2012…
http://allaboutlemon.com/2011/12/29/seven-x-seven-link-award/
Happy New Year!
xoxo
Dolly
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Thank you for the nomination. I apologize for the delay. I won’t be able to get to this until after the new year.
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Sensing personal experience here! I find the best response is to wink suggestively and say “But just think of all the fun I’d miss…”. Your interlocutors’ heads will be so busy wondering exactly what fun you’re currently getting up to that it’ll give you a chance to sneak away…
Bonne chance!
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Good response. I usually do the opposite of the expectation.
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Would a sign that says, “Happily Single” tell those pesky matchmakers that you’re not a lonely woman in need of someone to love and get married to? Hmm? 🙂
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That would be too easy.
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I would love to hear “You are so Beautiful” in Elmer Fudd’s voice, especially if you do it well. I say start with that; a man worth keeping will appreciate it. And what does this mean: A woman who can make me laugh is well, …a woman who can make me(smiley Face)? Make you what – go onesie or twosie in your shorts?
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Wow… what a crushing comeback, Rick. Have you been using it since the 2nd grade? You might want to consider some new material. Oh, and “a woman who can make me…” is a reference to a Beatles lyric – but my time would be better spent explaining myself to a cocker spaniel, so never mind.
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Always the knight in shining armor, thanks Chris.
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Thanks for the singing vote, but wait until you actually hear it more like nails on a chalk board. As for the other, eww, I’m potty trained. Thanks.
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Very funny and a bit too close to the truth in a few instances. 🙂 I was wincing when I read this, having been the one foisting my single friends on eligible bachelors/ladies (as applicable).
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Oh shame, hopefully it isn’t a misery loves company hookup. 🙂
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All too familiar. I run and play kids games or oversleep. Then again being a guy, they just assume that I am having the time of my life. Mom is the one who want grandkids. I thought my forever dog-puppy was enough of a child.
Thanks for you like. Thanks for sharing this truthful experience! Look forward to reading more.
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You and you dog-puppy aren’t having the time of your lives?
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Thank you for visiting and liking my post, ‘Wild Weather’. The big bonus is discovering your blog. It is such fun. You have a ‘wicked’ way with words and I look forward to reading much more in the months to come.
Again, thanks.
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Thanks I enjoyed your post and am looking forward to more.
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yep, being single at christmas is like signing your own death warrant. I got asked exactly 22.5 times ‘when are you going to meet a nice man’ and the answer is ‘never!’ there are no nice men In Birmingham England.
I can be happy being single and without the hassle of shaving. Why can’t everyone else?
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Without the hassle of shaving, priceless! My new response.
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Thanks for stopping by my blog. Good luck with your writing. It’s great that you are so active.
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Thanks it’s a bit of an obsession.
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Very Funny!
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All valuable tips for holiday fun.
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LOL. This actually just made me happier that I’m single ;).
Have a great weekend.
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Yeah! Using my powers for good. Plenty to be happy about there.
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This was great. Keep writing you make my day
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I’ve nominated you for a Versatile Blogger award. You can read all about it on my blog for today. Looking forward to your photos and thoughts in 2012.
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Hey there!
Just wanted to let you know I’ve nominated you for the Kreativ Blogger Award!
http://sorealtonight.wordpress.com/2011/12/30/the-kreativ-blogger-award/
Congrats! 🙂
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Thank you for the nomination. I won’t have time to get to it until after the new year. My apologies in advance.
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If I send this my mother, I wonder if she’ll leave my daughter alone. I keep telling my daughter that she is better off single than unhappily married.
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Hallelujah, sing it sister.
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Please don’t share these suggestions with my parents or grandparents. It will give them false hope that if they continue suggesting potential suitors I’ll get married and pop out 3-4 kids.
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Wait until the scrape the bottom of the barrel. Then it gets interesting!
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My dad’s favourite argument is that he wants grandkids, a joy I seem to be withholding from him. In my defense, I have told him I can give him grandkids with marriage being a completely different and separate matter. He gives me the stink-eye but leaves me alone for a while. A couple of years ago, I wrote about this here: http://browneyedmiracle.com/2009/11/06/a-dachshund-set-in-platinum/
So he drove up with his sister a few months ago to spend the weekend with me because I hadn’t seen this particular aunt in ages. The theme for the entire weekend appeared to be Get This Girl Hitched. I couldn’t believe how hard they can try to get you to agree to settle. I kept politely refusing until she insisted that I let my parents find me a guy. I thanked her for the suggestion and told her I found it offensive that she thought I needed help. That stopped her for a few hours. Boundaries, dear relatives, boundaries!!!
I need to thank you for finding my blog; it led me to yours and I really love your witty writing. It’s a gift not many people have. I will be nominating you in the Writer’s Digest contest. Also, congratulations on the Kindle blog!
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Is there some place you can rent him some grandkids? There should be. Thank you for the nomination. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
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I really want you to learn one thing from the start of the statement and that some thing is: We care about you and i also seriously imply that.
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And I seriously thank you for that implied or otherwise.
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