I just had 24 hours’ worth of creativity sucked out of me through my nose. The jokes my parents and grandparents told were true. I spent two and a half hours at the DMV getting my driver’s license renewed.
This has to be a government conspiracy designed to make you feel old, tired and beaten. Probably so you don’t notice the extra property taxes you’re paying so the high school can have a parking garage. No other building in town has a parking garage. But I digress.
I had been in line for about an hour when I had to say, “The line moved much faster before we had computers and the internet. That was when I first got in line. I think they switched over since I got here.”
People started to laugh. Oh, that was not good. That was too much encouragement. You know I couldn’t keep my mouth shut then.
I started making comments like, “I was able to cross the border in Berlin back in the old Soviet days faster than this. You know they should put in a Starbuck. Sell coffee, tea and some little sandwiches. The money they would collect we could pay off our debt to China. If they added those little airline size bottles of booze, we’d be out of debt in no time.”
The laughter kept coming.
By the time I got close to the front of the line I was saying, “Cell phones? I remember when we didn’t have answering machines. If you weren’t home your phone just rang and you wouldn’t even know anyone had called and you didn’t care. I’m too old to stand in a line this long. I have less than half my life left and the last two and a half hours just ticked away at the DMV.”
It was taking half an hour to process each person. That’s people with the correct paperwork, identification, and money ready to go.
“You know they told us computers would make everything faster. They lied.” I kept up my monologue. I had the place rolling. “What are they doing up there? Definitely collecting too much information.”
“One more person to go,” I announced. “I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.”
Freedom was so close I could smell it. One person left for lunch, leaving only one person to help the whole room for the next hour. Great, but what did I care? I was at the front of the line. I was person known as Next.
They asked the lady at the counter to put her thumb on the electronic display in front of her. Zip, a laser scanned her thumb print. At this point I was so beaten I wasn’t going to complain about being fingerprinted like a common criminal.
Keeping my mouth shut for the last five minutes so I can just get out of here. That’s what I was doing.
One thumb down, thirty more seconds and it’s my turn.
“Put your thumb back. That one didn’t scan,” the clerk said. “Try wiggling it.” She continued clicking away at her machine. “No, that didn’t do it. Try turning it a little to the right. No,” she frowned. “Straighten it out. No, that didn’t work either. Bend it a little. I’ll come around and show you.”
No, no, I said to myself, do not slide off of that stool. Get back on the other side of the counter. Just five more minutes, just keep your mouth shut for five more minutes.
I started stamping one foot. I’m sure I gave everyone the impression I needed to use the ladies room stat.
The clerk grasped the woman’s hand and started twisting it. “No,” she said, squinting at the computer screen she had spun around. She continued maneuvering the woman’s hand back and forth and side to side.
Suddenly I couldn’t take it anymore. “Is this thumb thing mandatory?” I asked. “What if she was missing a hand? What would you do? I’ve had MRIs that didn’t take this long.”
The woman sighed. The clerk glared at me. The security guard stepped forward. I shook my head. “Just couldn’t keep my mouth shut for another five minutes,” I said to the room.
I spent an hour in line at my DMV yesterday just waiting at the information line. I was lucky – I only had to turn in plates, so I didn’t have to get a number and wait some more. In that hour, they “helped” 4 people. There were well over the posted occupancy of 130 people sitting in chairs holding their numbers in their hot little hands. Unbelievable. So, I feel your pain! 🙂
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Thanks for my first smile of the day and for reminding me I have to renew my license when I get back home.
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SO frustrating, Deidra, but your quips were absolutely hilarious!
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Haha! Loved it!
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[…] via DMV Conspiracy — Deidra Alexander’s Blog […]
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Oh, joy! I need to go there this month. Now, we have to renew the Plate if it is ten years old. You taught me I should keep my mouth shut while there, tho. 🙂 Thanks for the laugh.
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What fascinates me is that EVERY DMV office is the same. The conspiracy. It’s out there.
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this is hilarious! You’re a great writer and from the looks of it you have an awesome personality!
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Hey so I tagged you for https://paperbacksforlife.wordpress.com/2016/06/02/the-liebster-award/ , Cuz i feel like your blog is pretty cool and I’d like to know more about you:)
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I wish I had had you in the line with me last time I was at the DMV! 🙂
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😀 😀 You probably hadn’t noticed, but I have the feeling they’re sucking the information out of your brain as you wait and stew. Thanks for the free added entertainment.
Hilarious piece. Love it. ❤
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I loved this..This is exactly how I felt the last time I went to the DMV. Thank You for the good laugh!!
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If anyone ever wanted a preview of hell, just visit a DMV office. Except there’s no one cracking wise.
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This was so accurate. I think we can all agree the the DMV is unnecessarily complicated. Often times you have to wait FOREVER only to be told that you can’t be helped today because you’re missing one out of the five hundred papers that you need.
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This was great!
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“They” still let you joke and laugh – but {The woman sighed. The clerk glared at me. The security guard stepped forward.} While people are still laughing, or trying to, the Police State has moved in. In another few years, even laughter will be enough cause to be hauled into a room and interrogated, likely jailed with no recourse. Impossible in America? America is now ruled by a junta of the military-security complex. People’s rights are written on paper that has the same value as the paper money is printed on. These line-ups aren’t accidental, they’re planned, deliberate means of telling “you” that your life and time belongs to them. The finger printing says most of it. You ARE common criminals to the established bureaucracy.
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Observational stories with a dose of sarcasm always the best…thoroughly enjoyed this though guess you didn’t living it!
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Excellent. Print one for me.
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I used to have to go to the DMV with paperwork for clients – say, an estate were a car was bequeathed to someone. It’s hard enough explaining your own situation to the DMV clerk – but try to explain that the person who owned the car is dead, you have the proper estate paperwork, and now want the car transferred to someone else, and yes, you have their paperwork, too. The DMV clerk, of course, never cared that my client was being charged by the hour for me to stand around looking pretty (I wish). God, I hated that part of my job!
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And I thought we have it worse here in the Philippines 😛
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This is fascinating to people who don’t have these things, we do this stuff by post, we send off a form and can even avoid sending a photo as they can use the image they hold for your passport. I remember moaning as they charge £20 for renewal of a driving licence, I’ll shut my mouth from now on!
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Waiting for Godot…
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You have some gift with the pen Deidra–or with the keyboard. You have a deep, but simple to read style of writing that I enjoy. 🙂
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That’s lovely and great innovative ideas too!
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The whole post was hilarious! I especially loved this statement: “I’ve had MRIs that didn’t take this long.”
Now, the question is…If they put a Starbucks in the DMV, would the lines be even longer or just more confused? And would people come to the DMV just to get their morning Starbucks? 🙂
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[…] From DMV Conspiracy […]
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At least you were able to lighten the mood there! When I got a new license after I moved states, everyone around me was in a super grouchy mood, especially when every single person behind the counter except one went to lunch and there were still 20-30 people in the lobby waiting. Your post gave me a good laugh!
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Hilarious! 🙂
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That sounds like me and my luck! I would be next and that’s when every disaster known to man would happen. Anything to prolong my wait. Anything to keep me from getting on with my life. Anything that will cause me to lose my cool and just go off! Great post. I’m glad I’m not alone.
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Made my morning to wake up to this! My kind of humor. As I have to renew my license soon it gives me something to aspire to…LOL
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This is too funny! I found out you can get your license renewed at AAA. Next time I’d suggest that, the line’s much quicker! Although of course you couldn’t come up with such cleverly inspired jokes. :p
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So funny! A great way to end the evening. Thanks!
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Wow the thrill to be known as the person “Next”, even just for an instant, before you become ” Current”. Good laugh. cheers
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At an airport recently had a similar arrival experience when after 20 tries with the thumb reader, cleaning it etc. the official smiled and declared a match although it obviously still didn’t work – not for me, the previous guy and the lady in line behind me.
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I loved this!
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Just popped by to thank you for the follow and found this. Thanks for the chuckle. At least the folks behind you in the line had some entertainment whilst they waited.
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