July
Dreams
July 1
I started painting an abstract that’s been in my head for years, but I’ve never gotten around to painting it, swirls of bright reds and oranges and gold.
I dropped a brown splotch in the middle of the canvas. It wasn’t supposed to be there. The more I tried to wipe it off, the bigger it became.
This wasn’t supposed to happen, not to me.
I tried painting over it. It smeared and ran into the other colors.
I go to church. I pray. I don’t lie, cheat or steal. Not really. I don’t drink or smoke, sure I’m a little overweight, but not cancer. This wasn’t supposed to happen to me. Not now, not ever.
I spritzed the canvas with water. Maybe I could dilute it. The spot got bigger, bleeding into the entire canvas.
I’ve played by the rules and did my duty. I worked hard all my life. I was supposed to have time to do things when I retired.
I plunged my brush through the canvas.
This isn’t fair.
I continued shredding the canvas.
“It’s not fair,” I screamed for the first time letting myself say what I really felt.
I slammed the painting against my easel, knocking it over.
“Not fair.”
I slammed it against the wall. I beat it against the floor until it splintered into pieces.
“You can’t take it away; you can’t let it end. This can’t be all there is to my life.”
I yelled and screamed at God, but God doesn’t listen to me anymore.
Charlie found me on all fours, exhausted from screaming. I had collapsed in a heap, crying.
All I could do was choke out, “Not me.”
I couldn’t get up. I couldn’t stop sobbing. If someone could just explain it, why me? Why not someone else? No one can answer that question. They can answer all the others, but not that one. No one knows.
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Oof! Dark.
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Hi Bettie,
We don’t appreciate the light without the darkness. Oh, that sounds profound. Look at me.
Dee
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There is no answer.
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Hi John,
Sometimes there just isn’t and we have to accept that. Thanks.
Dee
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My most enjoyed installment to date. Nice writing.
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I really felt that one. Great writing.
Judy
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The way you wrote this one was so beautiful, especially with the addition of the abstract painting. I enjoy these installments so much.
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