June 15
When does it happen? When do you close the door you always knew you’d take? You lock it away, so firmly you won’t even allow yourself to remember it’s there. Afraid if you open it again, the memories will be so painful you won’t be able to stand it. So, you’d rather let the truth of who you are remain buried.
I opened the door today. I was back there again in that dark place, between death and nothing, surrounded by darkness. Only this time there wasn’t numbness and shock to carry me through. This time I was overwhelmed with the grief I hadn’t experienced after my parents and my grandmother died, when we were left alone in the world.
*****
Charlie unpacked my easel and I began painting again. I was amazed at how quickly I fell into a pattern of painting and organizing, attempting to bring order to my life, now seemingly filled with uncertainty. My paintings weren’t exactly what I’d hoped for. I found myself drawn to blacks and grays with slashes of angry red. No matter how hard I try each painting echoed a mournful loneliness.
Perhaps I’ve waited too long. Perhaps this is something I can never complete. Perhaps my time has passed.
I was contemplating another painting of depression and anger when Allie came by.
“How are you feeling?” she asked, perhaps for the first time in her life.
“I’m feeling ok, more scared than anything else.”
Honestly, my symptoms had been few which was why’d I let it go for so long.
“Everything’s going to work out fine. I talked to Margo, she said Dr. Goldschmidt’s the best. He’ll handle it. It’s going to be fine.”
“Yea, I know,” I lied, not telling her about my fifty percent chance.
I didn’t want to say it out loud. I didn’t want to have to hear it again. I didn’t want to hear myself argue against my own survival.
“I’ve been thinking about what I’ve done with my life,” I continued.
“What do you mean?”
“I’ve been wondering what might have been, if I’d gone back to art school.”
“What might have been? Why do you care? You have a job your good at, a good kid, a good husband. All that adds up to a good life. You don’t need anything else,” Allie said.
I was amazed. She just didn’t get it. You could have a good life and still not be happy, not be doing what you loved. I’m not sure I could explain it to her.
“I need more, not more really different.”
“Different. What are you talking about?”
“I’ve decided to start painting again.”
“Painting? Why?” she asked.
“It’s something I’ve always wanted to do.”
“Since when? You gave that foolishness up years ago and rightfully so. Do you know how ridiculous this is?”
“It’s not ridiculous. I saw Bryan and I realized I might as well be spending my time doing what I love.”
“You saw Bryan? Why? After everything he did to us,” Allie asked.
“I wanted to give him a chance to apologize.”
“And did he? Was he sorry?”
“Not really.”
“He could care less then and he could care less now. Why would you listen to him?” she asked.
“He’s a sculptor.”
“He ruined our lives then and he’ll ruin your life now,” Allie shouted, grabbing her purse.
I wasn’t the only one angry with Bryan.
Was she right? Perhaps it was foolishness to hope that after all these years I could regain some childhood dream. But wasn’t it worth trying?
YES! It IS worth trying. Go for it. ❤ ❤ ❤
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Of course it is worth trying.
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That opening is really thought-provoking and relatable.
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Thank you. You are very kind.
Dee
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Follow your dreams and a beautiful new world will be created for you.. Reveal your Inner Brilliance to the World…. Thankyou for liking my post on brilliancewithin.com and I really love your post too. Thanks for sharing it with me.
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Hi Wendy,
Thank you for the encouragement. Dee
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