I woke up this morning, my head is pounding and all I can think is I’m going to die. I must have been clinching my jaws, neck and shoulders. I’ve been off my routine since I got back from seeing the ex. It’s hard to keep up this game – exercise, food, schedule, medication. Why is happiness so difficult?
I knew last night when I went to bed I was going to smother in my sleep. I was 100% positive and I went to sleep anyway. I’m going to be dead in the next few days, I can feel it.
There’s another bit of my mind that knows it isn’t true. “You’re off your meds. Just get back on your routine.” My face aches, my head is pounding and I just don’t do it.
Dead in days, dead in days. It keeps echoing in the silence. That chant and the whirring of the ceiling fan, it’s all I hear.
I’m off my routine. I know I should get up and start. Get up. NOW! GET UP! But I keep staring at the ceiling.
I totally empathize with you. I was diagnosed with panic disorder years ago and still struggle at times, even after years of meds and learning what helps and hinders. Yes, routine is important, as is rest, a good diet, exercise, along with the meds, and regular doctor checks to be sure you are on the right ones/dose. These are the tools. Tell yourself you are going to be OK because you are. Just going through a challenging time right now. ((hugs))
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Thanks, Beth. I took your advice and made myself go to bed last night.
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Good!
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Thanks, Beth.
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Thanks for this honesty. It’s tough to talk about depression. I’m glad you are getting it on the page and out here. People need to know they are not alone with these feelings. Good for you.
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Thanks, Len. I feel so different from everyone around me. Good to know there are others.
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I know the feeling. Keep at it and keep your head up.
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Thank you for the encouragement. I appreciate it.
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It is so good an helpful for you to write about what it feels like inside your depression and anxiety. The honesty is healing and may help others who feel disconnected and hopeless. It’s a weird thing about depression that when you’re in it, even though you can know that you need to do the things in your routine that help, it just seems pointless. Take the leap to get over that void. Do the things in your routine, at least one thing, that you need to do even if you don’t give a crap about it right now. Let a stranger tell you that it will help even if you feel it won’t. Somehow choose to believe that this is how you feel right now, not how you are or how it really is. Choose to believe that somehow it’ll pass. With love.
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Thank you for these truths that I should know in my heart but sometimes can’t believe.
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Please find a tiny pin light that resides inside you somewhere… it is there. Search for it. Look under old feelings and your to do list. It’s in there and wants to be found. Love to you.
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Thank you Erin. I appreciate the encouragement.
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Anytime my friend.
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This is such a hard thing for people who haven’t experienced it to understand, because it is so counterintuitive — including to the person going through it! But it will pass. It cannot last forever, truly. Reaching out like this for help, even if subconsciously, is good. Think about the smallest increment of progress you could possibly make, and make it. Get someone else to help you make it if need be. If no one is physically there, try talking to a friend on the phone who will talk you through that increment, even if it’s just walking across the room to pick up your meds. Maybe do one jumping jack. Jog down the hall. Just a little bit. One yoga pose (if you do yoga). That’s all you have to do.
Then start over. One more increment. Get someone to talk you through it. Have a friend come over and tell you jokes or watch a movie with you. Eat some dark chocolate. Maybe walk to a pet adoption and pet the puppies and kittens. You get the idea.
One tiny increment.
You can totally do this.
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I’m going to take a shower today. I swear I’m going to do that and maybe even go outside. Thanks.
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You are on the right path. xo
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I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you for your kindness, Angelique.
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I’m so glad for you. 🙂 I’ve been there. Feel free to reach out any time.
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Thank you Angelique. You are so kind.
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Is there anything I can do to help? ❤ ❤ ❤
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Thank you. You’re always there for me. That’s all anyone can do I think.
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Glad to hear at least that little bit holds some comfort of support. {{{hugs}}}
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Thank you for your constant support. It does help more than you know. I’m feeling much better. I think I’m getting myself back on track.
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❤ ❤ ❤
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Thank you for your consistent support.
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Muwah. You are more then welcome. ❤
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Depression is a very real force in many more lives than is commonly accepted. You need to take care of yourself, though, because who will if not you? My best friend recently learned she needs pharmaceutical assistance, and she took it very hard. But after gently urging her to finally stop suffering and take it–give it a chance to work–she now has to wonder how much better the last 6 months could have been. I, too, have had my battles with depression and anxiety. And I’ve also had to “jump-start” myself at times. But it was necessary. So….how much better can your present and future days be if you start now? Love to you, from myself and the other readers. Take care.
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No one should take it hard. The meds are merely medicine that help us maintain balance and there will still be ups and downs.
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Thank you. I appreciate your kind words.
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Follow your Doctor’s orders and keep powering through it. It will get better. We are all puling for you.
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Thanks Tom. I’m trying to get my medications back in balance.
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The depression meds are very potent medicines and we do not do on/off games. It makes things worse. I once told the therapist I wanted to reduce dose and eventually get off meds because I was feeling better. She quite candidly replied “Carl you stupid jerk. You’re feeling better because you’re on the meds.” I was not the least bit insultedor offended because she put it straight and she was right. Few are perfect at adhering to the routine perfectly and I think we can cheat a little here and there but the meds, well there is no compromising that. I’ve suffered over 50 years. Started the meds 9 years ago. These are still depths but not as intense and less frequent too. Also gave up alcohol 13 years ago . Suggest anyone with depression do that too. I am not ashamed to reveal and share.We need the benefit of each other’s strength and hope.
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Thanks Carl. I’m coming to see the truth in your words.
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I am so proud of you that you are writing this. I feel a lot the same way time to time and it feels so hard to get out of it, but the real truth is that it is ok and you are not alone! But sometimes it is hard to realize it for myself that it could be only me in the whole wide world who is feeling this way and that is the hardest part, and not being able to tell close people about it is also really hard.
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You get it. Depression and anxiety are very isolating. It feels like I’m watching the rest of the world from a closet. Thanks for the comment. I appreciate it.
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