I had an idea for a YA story aimed more at younger boys about a guy who heard the voice of the universe through his toilet. Here are a few excerpts that came to mind when I was thinking about where this idea could go.
I’m sitting here waiting in a cafe because the voice of the universe spoke to me through my toilet. I know it sounds crazy. My name? Now that’s a story. My father was a hippie. My mother was Native American, Comanche actually. When my mother was pregnant with me, they went to the medicine woman, who told them they must name me after the place where I would be born.
They planned to be in Phoenix, Arizona when I was born. I was going to be named Phoenix Arizona, kinda cool. Instead, when my Mom was seven months pregnant, they decided to go to a peace march in Washington. I was born in Washington, DC. So my name? It’s District of Columbia, District of Columbia Campbell or DC for short.
I’d like to think my parents were dropping acid, smoking a little too much ganja, or at least on a three day bender, but they say they were high on love.
She also told them I was twins, girls, but they didn’t think to ignore her just because she was wrong on number and sex. No, they followed her instructions to a T. I’d like to kick the ass of a medicine woman about now.
*****
Here is DC talking to the toilet.
I sat in the bathroom floor at the appointed time, notebook and sharpie in hand waiting for the voice of the universe with his instructions.
Minutes ticked by. The minutes turned to hours. In an act I can only expain as boredom, I drained the water from the toilet and began drawing. The voice of the universe should have a face. Two eyes, a nose, the mouth was well obvious, and a moustache. I was just finishing the beard.
“I have a beard now? Seriously, the voice of the universe has a beard? What do you think I’m ZZ Top?” A rumbling voice echoed from the toilet.
“You’re late,” I replied.
“So I’m a few minutes late.”
“Minutes? Try hours.”
“In the span of the universe, you’re lucky I got here this decade. You think the voice of the universe doesn’t have things to do? A train wreck in Nepal, a tsunami off of the coast of New Zealand, the merger of Google and Yahoo, and that’s just on planet. Meteors colliding, suns burning out prematurely. You think I don’t have things to take care of?”
“Yea, okay. I’m sorry.” I felt like self center bastard. “Which was it?”
“What?”
“Train wreck, tsunami, meteor, sun, what?”
“I was playing botchy ball with the Guardian of the Moon.”
“What?”
“I was down by two.”
“And so I waited?” I was tempted to flush.
“You think the voice of the universe isn’t competitive? I’m very competitive. It’s how I got this gig. Now, let’s get down to business. I don’t have all century here.”
I imagine poor DC would be sent on some adventure to save the world or perhaps the very universe.
*****
Now if you seriously hear the voice of the universe through your toilet, you can’t really use it for its intended purpose. So now, poor DC is a regular visitor at the corner gas station. I imagine his visits might go something like this –
“Hey, Bubba.”
“Hey, DC,” the man behind the counter said, without looking up from his newspaper.
“Brought my own,” I said, waving a roll of TP, a long stream threading the air after me.
“Good boy. Weathers good today,” Bubba continued, with his soft southern drawl.
“Hey, do you have any red rhino?” It was my favorite power drink.
“Got a shipment last week.”
“Can I get a case?” I yelled from the men’s room, flushing the toilet.
“Sure. Planning a road trip?”
“Yep.”
“Voice of the Universe?”
“Yep.”
“Beef jerky, you need beef jerky for a road trip,” he stated more than asked, as I came to the counter case of red rhino in hand.
“No… Yes… No… Twelve Slim Jims.” I finally decided.
“Good choice.” Bubba loaded the beef jerky into a plastic bag. “Get the details before you leave,” he yelled, as I was leaving his face back in the paper.
“What?”
“Get all the details from your toilet. You never know when you’ll find one that resonates with the right frequency and wavelength. So get all the details before you leave.”
“Oh, yea thanks.” I started out the door. “How …?”
“You think you’re the only one who’s ever heard the Voice of the Universe.”
“No, I guess not.”
*****
DC needs a posse, a team to help him conquer evil. A trifecta is in order. DC is of course the first in our trio. A male companion, one able to stand up to a personality like DCs is needed. I think I’ll add the reincarnation of the Dalai Lama. Since this is a farce, he was reincarnated as a dog and is a little chauvinistic. The third personality should be female, beautiful and have a history with the Dalai Lama, perhaps Illiana, Godess of War and Love. So the first encounter might not go smoothly after a few centuries of feuding. —
A beautiful woman stood at the chair across from mine.
“This chair taken?” she asked.
“No,” I said.
She sat.
“What a cute dog,” she said, patting Dalai’s head so hard he winced.
“Ass,” Dalai growled.
“Pig,” she replied, tossing her dark hair back with a flip of her head.
The dog and woman seemed acquainted, but refused to look at each other.
“You didn’t call,” the woman said, malice evident in her voice.
“It was one date,” the dog replied. “Centuries ago, lay off it.”
(As the conversation continued, Dalai and Illiana disagree with the approach for saving the world.”
“I think I know best,” Dalai continued, lecturing, “I have lived for five centuries.”
“Four and a half.” Illiana’s dark eyes sparkled.
“What?”
“Four and a half. Remember the snake in Bangalore?”
“That was you. That snake bite killed me.”
“You didn’t call.”
“Enough with the calling.”
“Jerk.” Illiana slammed her cup down.
“Bitch.”
“You should talk.”
“Check again, I’m all man.” Dalai’s ears lifted.
“You check again.” Illiana smirked.
Dalia gave a quick double check only to realize Illiana was right. He was indeed a female dog.
“Are you kidding me?” he yelled, looking skyward. “Not just a dog, but a female dog. Are you kidding me?”
“Karma sucks.” Illiana took another sip of coffee.
“Asshole,” Dalai replied.
“You might want to stop calling me names. Last time it was bitch and look what happened. Keep it up. You never know what you might come back as next.”
Lolzzz…….Your imagination have some real knack and i love it!
Thank you. Not many people appreciate the Voice of the Universe from a toilet.
i actually really like this, alot. It is just the right amount of humor and not over the top like books I have read. It sort of reminds me a little like Hitchhiker’s Guide. I love it, keep it up!
I think it is for a select audience with a higher intellectual level.
I always makes me laugh when someone else appreciates it too.
Oh this is to funny. I was sitting here laughing at my computer. I should probably tell the computer it was his fault.
Thanks. It’s a rare character that appreciates the voice. Mostly I just get weird looks.
This is awesome
You are tottering on the bizarre with me. Don’t get too close to the edge.
The Voice of the Universe can’t always be a Tidy Bowl!
Keep writing, don’t leave us Un-Flushed
If its Yellow let it Mellow,
if its Brown, Send it Down!
Have you heard Hayseed Dixie’s I keep your poop in a jar? Great song and relevant!
Hi Deidra!
Isn’t it fun to write stories that make you laugh when you write them? It is for me and I know this is how it must be for you because I have to chuckle when I read yours. They are great! You could have a Voice of the Universe series. Tying all the different plots together at the end. Kind of a saving-the-world-one-toilet-bowl-at-a-time thing! I’ve signed up and look forward to reading your future blogs!
R.
I thought this was hysterical. My writer friends thought it was incredibly stupid.
Maybe I’ll re-evaluate its potential. Thanks.
I would reevaluate your writer friends.
This blog has made me reevaluate a lot of things I thought about writing. Thanks to everyone for that.
It’s really all about market audience isn’t it? Funny guys never really outgrow their bathroom humor phase!
Guys? Bathroom humor cracks me up.
Great idea to have a save the world toilet boil, we certianly need one about now. I wonder if the fact that due to the “coriolis effect” where water circles opposite directions in the two extreme hemispheres, how it would effect the voice of the universe?
That sends a ripple into things, now doesn’t it?
Haha, cool story bro (just had to say that
. Love this, pure humor. I’ve wanted to take on writing fantasy for a while too, got some ideas but they’ve never gotten off ground. But hey this is good, you should go on with this. And I don’t know, my thinking is that it should lead them to some weird planet that the voice of the universe sends them to save, as your thoughts, and hilarity ensues as it’s something really ridiculous that they are to be saved from 
.
Ps. did you make the header yourself? It’s freaking awesome!
Thanks, Voice of the Universe is recently gaining fans.
Maybe I should rethink it. I wish I could say I made the header then I would be a true artist, but alas no.
Love your stories! keep the good work up!
Thank you for the encouragement.
Hey Deidra,
I dropped by to say that I appreciate your likes on my new-born blog
Keep in touch,girl!
Cheers,
Gaya
Thank you Gaya, you too.
I love it! aren’t you going to continue it?
I got such a bad response initially, but now I’m rethinking it. So perhaps.
Probably been said before, but… If you need help on this, I would LOVE to be involved.
What are you thinking? I’m up for collaboration.
So let’s talk about it!!! How many words, how many books, how much money do you want to make. hehehehe
Hey Deidra!
Thank you! 
To have such a great blogger like my post is awesome but to be followed? It’s surreal.
Thanks, you’re such a sweetie.
How creative! Great post
Thanks for reading my post!! I would most certainly pick this book up and read it cover to cover!
Thank you. It hadn’t gotten much positive response until lately.
Très elegant. You’re still a pioneer.
Thank you.
Like the concept. Good for developing…
Thank you this one has just started to get interest.
You have a wonderfully active imagination. I love the stories you are developing. Don’t stop!
I stopped for a long time after being told I was wasting my time, but with the response I’ve gotten I’m wondering why I listened. Thanks.
waw … I would like to have the some creativity
Thank you. Though it has it’s drawbacks I’m sure.
There is obviously a huge talent here waiting to explode onto the world at large….keep it up your writing is special!
BTW, thank you for the ‘Like’ on my blog vis a vis the Cyprus Slaughter of songbirds, maybe you could pass it on if you get the time.
From a wet and windy Wales, UK
Thank you so much. On a more serious note, of all the things to slaughter in this world songbirds, really? Have we reached a new low.
Yes apparently we have Deidra. It appears that on the Island of Cyprus song birds are historically known as an expensive delicacy! And even with all the powers of the Royal Society for Protection of Birds (RSPB) there are still some Cypriot European members of Parliament trying to stop us and everyone else from interfering with what they see as their right!
And, if one reads the statistics of decline in these birds throughout the world it would scare you to death. Some of our birds have seen a 90% decline. And yet, in Cyprus they want to trap and net anyway possible to kill these little fellers.
Sometimes I am ashamed to be a Human animal.
Brilliant idea. You have some very lateral ideas which are very original. Best, David.
Thank you David. I sincerely appreciate the compliment. Everyone’s encouragement means so much to me.
So here is my warped response to your emerging plot line. My childhood home had serious toilet problems. My Dad would climb into the crawl space under the house to work on the plumbing from there, leaving my Mom in the bathroom awaiting instructions. One day I came home and my youngest sister and cousin were sitting on the couch, terrified. I asked what was wrong. Then I heard my Mom asking if she should flush, and Dad yelling back, “Don’t flush!” My cousin said that my Dad was stuck in the toilet and my Mom kept trying to flush him away. Seems like there’s potential for a strange twist on the Wizard of Oz theme.
That’s hysterical!
Lol everything seems repeated nowadays and its awesome to read something original! You have an awesome start here I hope you’ll be posting more
Thanks. I’m planning to release some longer things early next year.
Hi Deidra, Your stories are such a pleasure to read. I have a particular affinity for the Voice of the Universe – how clever. I can imagine this work developed a little more. Maybe speaking toilets are universal. Achetypal even. For some reason I have odd dreams about toilets frequently. I am a firm believer in the relevance of dreams and can’t help but wondering what my dreams are trying to tell me. Maybe the toilet is talking to me too – that’s scary. I am wondering how DC first realizes the voice is coming from the toilet – I could roll on the floor just wondering about that one. This story did make me think of other popular books on the market now. For instance Eat, Pray, Love – she heard a voice on her bathroom floor. And the tone of your writing made me think about the story about the girl who was living in the Walmart – can’t remember the name right now. Anyway, keep up the work and never let anyone tell you you can’t or that you aren’t good enough. Success will come – it may not be until your 96….but that is life – never let ‘em see the blood. Thanks for putting a “like” on my blog. I am just getting started and was surprised that someone found it so soon. What were you looking for? Best, Annie
Hey Annie thanks for the encouragement. I have a bunch of topics a setup to search blogs, probably about 20 no telling how I found my way there. I like encouraging new bloggers, I liked you post. Keep it up.
Yes !
Glad you liked it.
“I was tempted to flush.” Killer line. And having Obi Wan be the gas station attendant is pure genius.
Thank you. D.C. has only recently gained any following. It’s a bit twisted.
I love the two names of the dog and the woman sound like the dali llama
Thank you. I had abandoned hope for The Voice of the Universe, but it’s beginning to see underground popularity.
Maybe a graphic novel instead? It sounds like it would do well with tween boys.
Maybe I’d need an artist. I have no talent there.
Wow, I think I love you? You’re writing is amaaazing. I’m so excited to go on this journey and follow your every word.
Nice to “meet” you. Let’s keep in touch.
M
Thanks M. Since I’m a D, I think we are kindred spirits. Glad to have you along.
This is hilarious! I don’t think this would appeal just to younger boys. I’m glad you’re getting so much support from this.
Nobody can burn out the creative fire inside. There are always embers waiting to be reignited.
Thanks. I’m glad to see it too. My friends and family thought it was really stupid so I just chalked it up to being one of my crazy ideas.
I really love DC’s voice – and damn if this doesn’t keep you reading! Me likey!
Thank you. I probably have a little of a wanna be super hero in me.
Refreshing!
Considering it comes from a toilet bowl, I’m keeping my comebacks to myself.
Hey Deidra
Great stories. Love them already.
Just one word ♥ ADORABLE ♥
This is a very cool beginning. I hope you continue developing it into something ongoing.
For what it’s worth (constructive criticism?) I find the actual conversation with Voice Of The Universe (VOTU) a bit contrived. Personifying VOTU just doesn’t work. We don’t need that character.
I think the story could be far more compelling if we only hear VOTU’s words via DC’s comments, not directly. That way it’s always uncertain to us whether DC actually IS talking to the universe or if he’s just way out there on his own trip.
Thanks for you suggestions and thoughts. I welcome critique of any kind. I’ve put it back on my list since I’m getting such a response from it.
Could not help but laugh! Love this one. And being certified crazy – yeah, I DID hear a ‘voice’ coming out of a toilet . . . actually one of those French ass-jet toilet things women use . . . just last summer. LOL!! (but it was the Devil instead, of course. Me being crazy and all. God spoke to me in my head. LOL!)
Did it have a French accent. Ooh la la and I’m imagining that funny fake french laugh.
Wonderfully funny and reverently irreverent…
Thanks. I like reverently irreverent. I once had irreverent on my performance review, but not both at the same time!
Thank you for liking my poem.
You have some interesting ideas here, I especially like the Voice of the Universe. I am already little in love with DC!
Thanks, DC is gaining grass roots popularity.
Re-read VOT (which tells you: yes, I am insane) – just for the pure joy and entertainment. Typo? “like self center bastard”? Should be a self-centered bastard? (okay, like my dad).
What this story really reminds me of is “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”. And if you know that name then you know the story must have done well – so there. You could build a pre-apocolyptic world (we are always building pre – and post – apocalyptic worlds in our kinds of stories) – in which many characters are reincarnated persons and/or gods …. say Jerry Lewis (is he dead yet? Oughta be) – doing his snarky laff and stumbling around …. a monkey would be him, I am thinking … and of course Van Dyke or whoever it was in the Rat Pack (a pack of rats?) – running around.
Anyway – this IS the start of what COULD be a great tongue-in-cheek tale – really think you should take up the old lapbook and take it on. (but then again, you gotta remember that crazy thing . . . I may be wrong, deluded, or just (as I tell my wife) – hallookinating this whole thing …. (wild loony laughter begins . . . and moving on)….. have a grape day! The toilet’s talking again …..
poor guy, can’t let a load off in peace, smh @ voice
Exactly. I am a great fan of toilet humor. I could write a whole blog without ever leaving the bathroom. LOL
ever see Schizopolis by Steven Soderbergh? there’s a scene where he has to write a speech for the boss, and he’s in the toilet, a voice is talking, from the stall next to him, gives him the speech, reminds me of something like that.
Haven’t seen it but sounds great.
Hahaha… That’s really pretty brilliant. Reminds me of something like the movie Dogma (no pun intended – poor Dalai Lama!). Not sure why since there’s no talking toilet in that movie. Maybe just the farcical aspect…
Haven’t seen the movie, guess I should get out more. Someone referenced the universe speaking through the toilet in a meeting I was in yesterday. Pretty cool.
Hi.
….
…
I like your name, it sounds pretty esoteric
….And thank you for visiting my blog….
Honestly, after I saw your gavatar, I really hope that “Deidra” it’s a girl name
Best wishes,
Dedalus
No, it’s a German boys name. LOL. I can only say my parents had good taste. Honestly I hated that name my entire childhood.
Hysterical http://www.helptheuniverse.com
You are a character. You must be to have written this. And your imagination is so lively. It looks like you had a great time writing. Every now and again writing feels like play…It’s good to be a kid at the keyboard
I think that’s a great description, kid in charge.
Love your header…and the Voice of the Universe through the toilet bowl. That’s so funny! Thanks for liking and following my mummumstheword.wordpress blog!