Hey Maybelle, the dish needs adjusting.
Because you’re in charge of dishes.
I’ve been thinking again. This time about tourettes. I worked with a guy who had tourettes, but he only twitched when he got nervous. He didn’t yell out random obscenities. I thought he should just for fun. I would.
I would begin all meetings with – I want to apologize in advance. I have tourettes. When I get nervous I may say a few inappropriate words or phrase. Which can quickly snowball since my nerves will increase the more words I say. Then at some point I’ll break in with –
Son of a bitch.
Can those peaches, honey buns!
Sorry my Grandpa was a frugal man.”
And thus would end the meeting on a high note.
Mental State: Feeling pretty good, Saggy Pants.
Posted in anxiety, comedian, comic, immigration, mental state | Tagged entertainment | 2 Comments »
This picture has nothing to do with the post. Just liked it.
I’ve been thinking about the amnesty tax credit thing. I’ll catch you up just in case. There’s an illegal alien amnesty program being bantered around the U.S. If you’re from certain countries, you can claim amnesty to stay in the United States.
In addition, you’ll get a social security number which will give you the right to vote in U.S. elections even though you aren’t a citizen. You’ll also be allowed to collect the tax credit which is $6,000 per year. The program allows you to collect for this year plus the last 3 years for a total of $24,000 tax free.
Never one to give up twenty four thousand tax free dollars, I’ve come up with a plan. I think I should renounce my U.S. citizenship and get a new one from one of the countries included in the amnesty program. Then claim amnesty thus securing my own twenty four thousand tax free dollars.
Now I just need to decide on a country. I don’t speak Spanish which may narrow my options. And then I want to do from the comfort of my home, preferably still in my pajamas.
Yes, I am lazy and greedy. Any suggestions?
Posted in amnesty, comedian, comic, humor, immigration, immigration reform, politics, sarcasm | Tagged amnesty, immigration, immigration reform | 30 Comments »
Police escort for zebra.
That picture has nothing to do with my post. I just like it.
While I was fooling around today (I’m not working until Wednesday), I was singing Popeye the Sailor Man to myself. I had a realization. (And myself is very fond of that song.) On to the realization
I always thought this song was propaganda deployed by my Mother to get me to eat spinach. Then I got to the verse “Popeye the sailor man lives in the garbage can.” Wow, what’s up with that? I never thought about his super humble abode. I think the subliminal message communicated here does not match the intended propaganda.
I can’t remember a time in which I wanted to live in a garbage can. As a matter of fact the only person I knew who lived in a garbage can was The Grouch over on Sesame Street. He was never happy, so I’m thinking living in a garbage can is less than ideal.
Now I’m thinking this message may have been holding me back. Did my parents inadvertently set my career on a less than desirable path? Am I perchance sabotaging myself?
Does anyone know a career positive song that might reprogram my garbage can size goals?
Mental check: +3.5 on positive side (5 being max)
Posted in animals, comedian, comic, humor, sarcasm | Tagged mental state, Popeye, Subliminal Programming, Zebra | 16 Comments »
It is February and I didn’t make a New Year’s Resolution, mainly because I know I don’t keep them. I’m feeling the need to be honest, to tell the truth.
I started this blog years ago telling stories mostly of my life and my people. My sense of humor was on display. If I’m truthful I’m avoiding telling you my secret.
It’s easy to say in private. You can just blurt it out. But in public, I keep thinking of the proper explanation or wrapper. I’m forgoing all of that before I put everyone to sleep.
I have depression, anxiety and obsessive compulsiveness. I take medication for all of it. I don’t like saying I’m depressed, anxious, or obsessive compulsive. I’m not a cold when I’m sick so I don’t think I should have to be my chemical imbalance.
I play with my medication, sometimes on purpose, most of the time on accident. One of my medications keeps me from obsessing. It’s either on or off. I think some obsession is good, so it’s one of the medications I play with most often.
This was as I mentioned before a blog of humor, but I can’t see things as funny everyday or even every week. I’m often struck with what I call the feeling of impending doom. It’s like waiting for an emotional apocalypse that doesn’t come.
I slept for eight hours last night which is the first time in several weeks so I feel good. I dare say maybe even happy. I still don’t feel funny today, but happy is enough.
(I’m not going to say I’ll write more often. That is a promise I think we all know I can’t keep. But I’ll try for a while.)
Posted in anxiety, depression, mental health, mental state, Uncategorized | Tagged mental state | 37 Comments »
Some people never grow up and I’m glad I’m one of them. My top 10 list of things I said during Christmas.
10. I don’t know who brought the whoopee cushion, but yes, I did use it.
9. You are not allowed to use my <deodorant, shampoo, eye shadow, moisturizer> without asking because you forgot yours or it smells SO good.
8. My sweater will not be the same after your chest has been in it.
7. Yes, I brought heated sheets and no, they are not for us to share.
6. To my “vegan” sister: We all know you’re a vegan. However, lobster is an animal and it does so count. I don’t care what you read. And I still think serving you the turkey neck was funny and so do our brothers.
5. Leaving my door unlocked was not an invitation for you all to take over my bed and drink my chocolate wine. And I’m the only one who gets to drink out of the bottle.
4. Reading my journal is not an attempt to bring us closer. It was not lying open on the bed. It was hidden in the chest of drawers.
3. I don’t think waving the turkey carcass, butt first in my face brought back nostalgic memories from our childhood.
2. I don’t know who put the ice packs in your beds. To one of my brothers: Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. Good one.
1. Sorry the kittens shredded the toilet paper, again. I have a 20 pack hidden in my trunk.
Posted in animals, Christmas, family, holiday, humor, Writing | Tagged brothers, christmas, kitten sitting, kittens, kitty, sisters | 20 Comments »
My adventures in kitty sitting continue.
We drove to the old house yesterday to meet my siblings for Christmas.
We started the long drive in the morning bright and early also known as noon. We took the sedan instead of the convertible. If Blind Dog was disappointed, she didn’t say so.
BD took the back seat beside the two cat carriers containing Sam and Frodo. We began our merry drive, not zooming down the highway but tootling along the winding country lanes.
After we took a break to eat, drink and of course poop. The boys meowed pitifully when I tried to return them to their carriers. Thus they persuaded me to let them stay out.
As I was driving, Frodo decided he should sit on my shoulder just to make sure things were going well. Sam climbed into the front seat putting his front paws on the dashboard, my navigator I suppose.
Frodo decided to have a go at driving with his butt in my face and his front paws on the steering wheel. Sam sitting on the dashboard in front of me didn’t help me any.
With the boys, having chosen to return to their cages, we continued the trek with Blind Dog riding shotgun blasting whatever random radio station we could find.
P.S. The boys figured out how to open one of the bathroom doors. They went straight for the toilet paper. My little duo are going to make excellent cat burglars. If you keep your valuables in a roll of toilet paper, I suggest you move them now.
Posted in animals, Christmas, humor, sarcasm, short story, Writing | Tagged animals, blind dog, kitten, kitten sitting, kittens | 8 Comments »
To start with, 80% of the time the kittens are adorable and cuddly. I’m going to report on the other 20% of the time.
I got up this morning to find that last two rolls of toilet paper properly gnawed and clawed. The dynamic duo found the toilet paper stash in the pantry and gave the dog a snack or two while they were at it.
You can’t imagine how much effort it takes to piece together enough ripped toilet paper to make a usable portion. Life goes on.
I was preparing breakfast this morning as the two kittens, Sam and Frodo watched the process. Strawberries, spinach, carrots, banana … I opened a lower cabinet drawer.
One kitten watched me wash carrots, I could have sworn there were two. The remaining kitten, Sam lost interest too and wandered to the forest of potted plants. I finished my smoothie and returned to my office.
At lunch, I was making a little something when I heard a little meow, muffled and far away. No kittens in sight. I opened all of the cabinet drawers, no kitten. My mistake went back to what I was doing.
Opening the refrigerator door, I heard another meow. Again, I opened the drawer, calling kitty, kitty, no sound. Continued making lunch.
The meowing began in earnest. I opened drawer after drawer, followed by cabinet doors until Frodo finally stepped out. Okay, so they’re still cute most of the time.
P.S. I bought Sam and Frodo a mird (mouse with feathers, mouse bird) toy today. It squeals and it’s eyes light up. The boys are mad for it.
P.P.S I’m bringing the lively fellows with me to visit my family at Christmas. Their owner is in Europe and they obviously can’t be left alone.
Posted in animals, Christmas, humor, sarcasm, Writing | Tagged cat sitting, kittens, kitties | 5 Comments »