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Status on Ex


My ex collapsed recently. Just an update on his status. His fever is down to 99. His OT states are over 90. (They were 80.) His heart rate has come down, but is still beating to fast. His eyes are now tracking when people are speaking.

Not much, but still it is in the positive direction. Thanks to everyone for your support.

Dee

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Ex is in the ICU. He’s had two heart attacks, is on a ventilator, is tachycardic, and running a fever amongst other things. They haven’t been able to lower his heart rate. So they can’t do anything more for him until they can get his heart rate down.

We grew up together. We wound up married due to circumstances, not because we were or ever would be friends. Maybe that happens to a lot of people.

I was told this morning that the doctors were surprised he was still holding on. I cried. I wasn’t expecting to have an emotional reaction. I never hated him. In fact, I wished him well. Still, I didn’t expect to feel this bad.

He hasn’t recognized anyone, so I expect he won’t know me. I’m going 3,000 to say goodbye to my first love.

I don’t think there’s anymore to say. The end.

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When I feel I’m on the edge of depression, I think about philosophical topics. Lately I’ve been focusing on happiness. What is it? What does it feel like? I take medication for anxiety, depression and obsessive compulsive disorder. So, I wonder if I’m capable of having everyday happiness.

I have a request. Do you know happiness? Is it your normal state or is it fleeting? Or there any prerequisites? I want honesty. I want to know. This request started when I began trying to remember times I felt happiness.

I can recall times when I’m what I call “On”. Moments when the stars align and I’m extremely social and funny. People will say, “You should be a comedian.” But it’s not on demand. I’m either on or I’m not. I can’t force it.

Those are intense, exhausting moments of giddiness. Does happiness feel like you’re laughing inside? I can only feel it with people present. Surely it can’t be happiness if you can’t feel it alone.

I began to wonder if anyone is truly happy. They must feel unhappy some of the time. Is happiness a percentage of time averaged across people?

I average about ten percent of that giddy feeling. I coast in neutral for about forty percent of the time, thanks to medication. The rest of the time is spent between obsession, anxiety, and depression in that order.

Maybe happiness doesn’t exist. It might be this neutral place of non-negative feelings? Or do I have an emotional blindness? Do the combination of the disorders I have make it impossible for me to feel? Not is a depressed way, but in a “you just don’t have that bodily function” kind of way.

Someone told me the prerequisite for happiness is gratitude. I’m starting a gratitude journal. I’ll see how that works out.

Right now I’m going back and forth between two theories.

One is happiness is like a unicorn, a myth. No one really feels it. People talk about it, say they have it, because it’s socially unacceptable to do otherwise. The other is happiness is real and I’m just not doing it right. And I guess I lied. I have a third theory, maybe I’m emotionally blind. It’s something I should stop obsessing over, accept and be at peace with it.

That brings me back to my request. Do you know happiness?

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It is February and I didn’t make a New Year’s Resolution, mainly because I know I don’t keep them. I’m feeling the need to be honest, to tell the truth.

I started this blog years ago telling stories mostly of my life and my people. My sense of humor was on display. If I’m truthful I’m avoiding telling you my secret.

It’s easy to say in private. You can just blurt it out. But in public, I keep thinking of the proper explanation or wrapper. I’m forgoing all of that before I put everyone to sleep.

I have depression, anxiety and obsessive compulsiveness. I take medication for all of it. I don’t like saying I’m depressed, anxious, or obsessive compulsive. I’m not a cold when I’m sick so I don’t think I should have to be my chemical imbalance.

I play with my medication, sometimes on purpose, most of the time on accident. One of my medications keeps me from obsessing. It’s either on or off. I think some obsession is good, so it’s one of the medications I play with most often.

This was as I mentioned before a blog of humor, but I can’t see things as funny everyday or even every week. I’m often struck with what I call the feeling of impending doom. It’s like waiting for an emotional apocalypse that doesn’t come.

I slept for eight hours last night which is the first time in several weeks so I feel good. I dare say maybe even happy. I still don’t feel funny today, but happy is enough.

(I’m not going to say I’ll write more often. That is a promise I think we all know I can’t keep. But I’ll try for a while.)

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The Darkness


The Darkness.

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Not my normal style I know. In a weird mood with a headache I can’t shake.

I woke up this morning from a dream turned nightmare. It started colorful and bright, euphoric and exciting, but with a look from a familiar face, it fades. The world is illusion, replaced by reality.

It turns grey and dark, sharp and hard. I feel their eyes on me, like pawing hands pulling me apart seeing everything I really am. Most horrified or disgusted, a few pitying me. I want to disappear right there, to cease to exist. But I don’t. I’m on display, my crazy rantings on display.

Hands are gently pushing me towards the doors.

My sister come rescuer whispers, “Everything will be okay.”

I feel reality so sharp, my body is bleeding from cuts no one can see. I’m covered and cannot move without wanting to cry out. But I don’t, the pain of humiliation is greater. I keep silent.

I woke this morning from a dream turned nightmare. I don’t know where it came from. I forgot my medication. I tell myself I’ve never had delusions. At least I don’t think I have.

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03 (3)

Cloud Catcher

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